Update on Healing Part 1

It was a revelation that I was molested continuously between the ages of 2 and 9.  As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it is necessary from time to time to look back on my healing to see how far I have progressed. I have discovered and written much.

First I realized I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with dissociative symptoms, as it is called in the DSM-V.   I prefer Post Traumatic Stress syndrome to PTSD, even though it is PTSD that is found in the DSM-5. The reason I prefer PTSS, is that I am not disordered, my perpetrators are the ones disordered. I exhibit symptoms or a syndrome that is consistent with the specific things specific people did to me. The DSM-V puts the onus on me, while PTSS puts the responsibility where it belongs on the disordered perpetrator. PTSS is healing for the survivor, PTSD is stigmatizing for the survivor, when it tis the perpetrator who rightly should bear the stigma.

The DSM-V presents as a consequence of PTSD the following

Marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s) 1

Individuals with PTSD may ... engage in reckless or selfdestructive behavior such as ... excessive alcohol or drug use, or selfinjurious or suicidal behavior (Criterion E2). 2

The beginning of my journey for healing begins with the above. I first sought help because I was cheating on my then wife, I didn't want to; and i could not stop.  Reason dictates if one is engaging in a behavior, does not want to engage in the behavior, and cannot stop on their own; one seeks help to overcome the issue.

I sought help through my Church. At that time I called the diocese of Santa Clara, where I lived, explained the problem, and made an appointment. It should be noted that the behavior was sexual promiscuity.  It also should be noted that this was years before The Church's sexual abuse scandal was revealed.

To my surprise, when I showed up for my appointment, I was not to see a priest or bishop trained in psychology or moral psychology, from whom I expected some counseling, some understanding of my behavior and suggestions on ways to stop.  Instead, i found myself in an office outside of the diocesan offices with a Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor.  The Counselor listened to my story, and being unqualified to diagnose me, referred me to a book called "Out of The Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes PhD. I was also referred to several 12 step groups including Sex and Love addicts Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and of course Alcoholics anonymous.

Thus, I was misdiagnosed as an "addict"  and coerced away from my faith, Roman Catholicism, and into the 12 step cult religions.  Had I been sent to a priest or bishop trained in clinical psychology or even a secular clinical psychologist I might have been properly diagnosed, and not have wasted years of my life continuing to engage in self-destructive behavior supported by the shame and abuse offered by the 12 step cults.

Above I used the word coerced, because after seeing this drug and alcohol counselor for several sessions attempting to get help in understanding my PTSD, i was told that if i did not attend these meetings, he would no longer see me. Wanting help and suffering from PTSS, I complied.

I shall expand on the years of hell I spent due to this misdiagnoses in further installments of my journey to healing.


[1] DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL OF MENTAL DISORDERS FIFTH EDITION DSM-5, Trauma and Stress Related Disorders, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, B 5, p. 271.

[2] Ibid, p.275.


http://www.fredcelio.com

http://www.stmichaelgodsknight.com

Trauma is not Mental Illness it is natural Mental Health

Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery and emotional acceptance of the truth in the individual and unique history of our childhood.” Alice Miller ~Drama of the Gifted Child

The symptoms of Childhood sexual abuse are not mental illness, but perfectly normal reactions to specific things that were done to us by specific people. We would be mentally ill if we did not exhibit the syndrome, PTSS. But since there is no ICD code for PTSS we must endure the label disordered in order to be receive  therapy. 

What is PTSS

Post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS) as opposed to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and the possible emergence of Complex PTSD as a separate DX. I am not disordered, dysfunctional nor mentally ill. My perpetrators were. All I have to do is absorb the totality of the horrible reality that is too hideous even to remember. I prefer PTSS because it puts the onus of disorder on the perpetrators where it belongs. However, the psychiatrists haven' grasped this fully yet. So they list PTSD in the DSM. Remember we are in charge we survivors are the ones who are educating them. Like everything else we must do it even though it is not our fault. 

You are not alone and you are not to blame.

I have exhibited a series of symptoms that are perfectly normal given what was done to me. As I absorb the reality and put the blame on the perpetrators, whatever method I use EMDR, somatic etc. the symptoms melt away and I become whole, as if the abuse never happened.

Why is this such a long process?

Because the damage is deep and occurred at various stages of development, not in an adult with a fully developed neurological system and psyche. Keep moving forward and avoid avoidance.