Gratitude As Repression

There are many things throughout the day that invoke the emotion of gratitude within me. I do not have to list them as a form of shaming for not focusing on them continually thus neglecting the issues that I must solve. focusing on gratitude is a method of regression repressing those things that are uncomfortable and need to be dealt with fr example the sexual pedration that takes place in the meetings the negative self-labeling the abusive attitude of the group structure itself it's failure rate etc.

The 12 step cult religions must go they dominate the treatment industry and thus blocks real science based treatment and thus actually destroy lives. The 12 steps don't heal; they kill. I am committed to doing everything legally possible to bring about the destruction of the 12 steps and freeing those captured by this cult, started by a drunken acid dropping former stock broker who lost his shirt in the crash of 29 and thus started another scam.

Orange Papers is a platform for exposing and destroying the 12 step cult religion and freeing those still captured, for that I am grateful not just for agent orange and orange papers but the entire anti 12 step movement.

We will prevail. It is a truth, a reality that anything that refuses to change ie the first 164 pages of that big book, will eventually implode and destroy itself. I abhor treatments that are purported to be medical ,don't work and shame and blame the victim for their failure.

The 12 step cult religions are one of the largest cons/scams ever perpetrated on humanity by one of the worlds greatest scam artists. They destroy lives. After 31 years of being miss-diagnosed and regular almost daily attendance studying with the gurus, my life is a shambles. and not from drinking/using, but from hanging out with lower companions in abusive environments in the rooms letting my self esteem being torn down in the name of ego deflation, pretending to believe things without question "fake it till you make it,"

And now having a host of friends who are only to happy to help me as long as I re-indoctrinate into their bull shit cult.

I am committed to using every legal means available for their destruction. Id be willing to bet, and we should look at the numbers, that attendance is dropping since the rise of the anti aa movement and the rise of science based non 12 step treatment.

When I went to treatment for the first time where I didn't belong except to minister to the incest survivors that were channeled into aa,  I was given a big book and 12 x 12 that my insurance company paid 30k for. What a scam. I was surrounded by incest survivors that the CADCs running the "treatment" were not qualified to help. My first day in treatment, my very first process group I entered a young woman was talking about having been molested.  I was  like wtf what am I doing here. Sure am glad this didn't happen to me. Not knowing at the time that I too was a seual abuse survivor.

My sexual abusive started between the ages of 2 and 9.

There was a young man in that first treatment center, who was the child of his father and his sister his whole family was like that. The CADCs did not know what to do' so believe it or not they recruited me to help to facilitate their groups -- absolutely true story from 1985.

The 12 step cult religions need to be destroyed for the good of humanity. I stand with those who  expose these cults for what they are -- religious cults that are abusive and destroy lives/ They must be exposed and destroyed.

My experience in AA
What I was told was you can't talk about this here because child molesters go here AA and they deserve to get sober too. I was told this by more than one member AA/NA. I was told when I did talk about it there that "I" not what I was talking about was an outside issue. I had a sponsor who was child molester. Who insulted my 5th step. I have heard  a man from the podium a deacon at our lady of the assumption catholic church in Pasadena my parish at the time talk about molesting boy scouts from the podium at a meeting in Glendale the one at the rehab center there. I promptly reported him to his boss and the county. Every time I write and talk about this I heal. 

I find it difficult to believe that Bill and Bob did not make the connection between substance abuse and sexual abuse as the core issue. Maybe not in all cases but in many and certainly with any chronic relapser that I have ever met. Even when I had time I always gravitated to the chronic relapsers, they were always my favorites kinder more compassionate and really just more interesting to be with. 

Now having left for therapy EMDR and anti-anxiety medication on a temporary basis I am doing  Plus it's only temporary until I complete the therapy which is going well.and feeling much better even though the therapy is god awful. It would be much easier to go to meetings and pal around with the winners. Of course someone one would likely mention the Xanax which keeps me from disappearing for 9 days to two weeks and ending up terrorized in an emergency room, and is only temporary, while I complete the therapy. Anything is better than the hell of locking myself in a motle room for two weeks and either calling the police on myself or taking a cab to the er.

Then coming back to AA and being shamed continuously and then told to keep coming back. and being hugged unwanted by a potential child molester.

My disappearances were not relapses at all and drink and using were only secondary. Since my abuse started pre-verbal, I re-live the abuse experience in a non verbal fashion in order to understand it. I don't imagine I am much different from many who have found their way to the 12 steps. Over 30 years I've met too many survivors who couldn't get "IT" simply because it was the wrong treatment. Lovely people who because that's all they were used to allowed themselves to be treated like crap by quite frankly complete strangers with no credentials no desire to help and who may have been perpetrators themselves.

As they are found of saying in the step before the steps "this shit has to stop."

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

Debbie Hall

Bowie, “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

I had to learn what a relationship was before I could have a healthy one. Just like in all other areas, I had to learn the truth before I could live in it. I didn’t know that I was just as valuable as everyone else or that the burden of all relationship shouldn’t be on me. I didn’t realize there wasn’t equality in the relationships that I had, just as I didn’t know that there could be equality in relationships since I had not seen an example of it. Darlene Ouimet https://www.facebook.com/emergingfrombroken/?fref=nf

 

Debbie Hall

I cannot believe that I traded her back

For I wife I never loved and who never loved me

I loved her when I did not know what love was and

She loved me

I could not get that through my head

And now I do

She loved me

For that she paid

The fault as for everything until I am healed is that of my perpetrators

Millstone or not

They have a lot to answer for

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

Trauma is not Mental Illness it is natural Mental Health

Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery and emotional acceptance of the truth in the individual and unique history of our childhood.” Alice Miller ~Drama of the Gifted Child

The symptoms of Childhood sexual abuse are not mental illness, but perfectly normal reactions to specific things that were done to us by specific people. We would be mentally ill if we did not exhibit the syndrome, PTSS. But since there is no ICD code for PTSS we must endure the label disordered in order to be receive  therapy. 

What is PTSS

Post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS) as opposed to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and the possible emergence of Complex PTSD as a separate DX. I am not disordered, dysfunctional nor mentally ill. My perpetrators were. All I have to do is absorb the totality of the horrible reality that is too hideous even to remember. I prefer PTSS because it puts the onus of disorder on the perpetrators where it belongs. However, the psychiatrists haven' grasped this fully yet. So they list PTSD in the DSM. Remember we are in charge we survivors are the ones who are educating them. Like everything else we must do it even though it is not our fault. 

You are not alone and you are not to blame.

I have exhibited a series of symptoms that are perfectly normal given what was done to me. As I absorb the reality and put the blame on the perpetrators, whatever method I use EMDR, somatic etc. the symptoms melt away and I become whole, as if the abuse never happened.

Why is this such a long process?

Because the damage is deep and occurred at various stages of development, not in an adult with a fully developed neurological system and psyche. Keep moving forward and avoid avoidance.

The Transformation of Suffering.

In his recent article five Practices for Nurturing Happiness (see http://www.lionsroar.com/5-practices-for-nurturing-happiness/#) Thich Nhat Hanh describes the general process for healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse (here and throughout this article I use the term Childhood Sexual Abuse which is actually a term from the perpatraors perspective and thus supports perpetration however it is well known. What we are talking about is the raping of a child the assault on a child using what adults consider to me sexual. Childhood sexual abuse is abuse the the child in all it its forms, emotional, physical, spiritual, neglectful etc. it encapsulates all of child abuse and some point soon I will stop using this phrase of perpetration. To raise consciousness language must change. I tend t be prices with my use of words, much like a painter choosing and mixing colors from a palate. If one is casual in their use and understanding of words they may misconstrue or miss what I am saying entirely. On aspect of mediation and mindfulness is the sharpening of the mind -- learn the precis meaning of words and nuance).

There is no greater suffering, there are no greater suffers than those who have survived Childhood Sexual Abuse. For those of you who are not familiar with Thay (Thich Nhat Hanh). He is teacher, student and lesson but that is zen. He is master and follower; he is Buddhist and Christ like. 

Thich Nhat Hanh

In tho article Thay describes the transformation of suffering not ignoring it but through extending compassion and ways to nurture happiness in spite of unbearable unspeakable pain the process of transformation occurs. . In this particular article he goes so far as to point out the ways in which much of the suffering due to Childhood Sexual Abuse can be assessed in school children and the healing can begin, if the adults were only more perceptive more mindful and compassionate.  This recognition of early detection and healing reflects Thay's deep understand of the issue of Childhood Sexual abuse. He has a deep insight into this suffering nd a practice for identifying and relieving it. .

The zen way of nurturing happiness while not ignoring suffering is a matter of living a practice for all. We all have suffering as well as happiness to try to maintain a constant state of happiness is the obsession of so many in today's western culture, and it is damaging to individuals and societies.  

We all suffer that is what life is about this is a teaching of the Buddha. It is a part of the Buddha's enlightenment. It is one of the four Noble Truths "Life is Suffereing." 

Engaged zen is a practice that allows us to live life realistically as human beings without resorting to the old and fading concept that dominates western psychology the teaching of mechanisms of repression. This creates a society in which people can do unsatisfying work very well and then enjoy the excesses on the weekends offered by the cognitive way.  But are these people really human are they really alive. It also creates violence for repressed emotions wither joy or suffering will ester if they are not acknowledged and taken care of through mindfulness and insight and compassion toward self.  The failure to acknowledge suffering through compassionate understanding of self and other generates everything from road rage, to police brutality, to mass shootings. These  are endemic to modern American society. We are not nurturing our happiness. We try to purchase it in order to alleviate our suffering  We repress that which is unpleasant rather than acknowledging sitting and understanding through compassion extended to ourselves and others. It is not a mater of charity once in a awhile of tithing 10% it is a way of living a way of inter being Jesus My Lord described it in the sermon on the mount and most explicitly with the advantages and dangers associated with living this way of life or ignoring it in Matt 25:31-46. These scripture are not merely theology nor theory for the Christian they the Christian way of life. They are The Way. And Thay a Buddhist, a zen master provides a practice for living a Christ like life. A life that will transform suffering nurture happiness recognize our interbeing witheach other and our planet, It is a practice of loving one another. 

And it is a practice that will heal suffering even the deepest and sever that of Childhood Sexual abuse.

 With Thay we are not invited to ignore and repress suffering or to feign a constant state of happiness as the world does,  particularly the western world and particularly the Untied States of America. But to transform suffering as a part of life and transform it through compassionate engagement with ourselves and others.  Engaged zen is constructivist.  It is holistic in a way that cognitivism cn  never be. It contributes to wholeness of individuals and humanity  It is steeped in a holistic identification with and honoring the whole person as well as all of humanity.  

The five practices for nurturing happiness are:

1. Letting go
2.  Inviting Positive seeds
3.  Mindfulness Based Joy
4.  Concentration
5.  Insight

What is important to remember about the five practices is that they are not static forms of repression as taught by the cognitivists. In fact it is the writers experience that the mind will naturally gravitate toward these processes making them not just spiritual practices but constructivist based mental health. They are the way the mind works naturally. For incest survivors these practices are not forced but practiced at the survivors own pace. They are as much a part of being human as suffering and happiness itself. And they lead to healing and wholeness.

We do not just force painful experiences away by letting go of them, by getting over them, or ignoring them in favor of positive seeds. 

There is much that is positive everyday and the practice of mindfulness will insure that we see and experience or water these seeds of happiness in everyday life. They are as simple as the smile from a friend or stranger, the rain, or a flower or a walk in the coolness of the evening. 

They do not involve the attainment of material positions, although in some cases these to can bring joy and happiness to be mindful of as well as their ephemeral nature. 

Mindfulness involves compassion and seeing the joy where it exists. even mindfully sitting with friend who is in pain can mindfully be transformed into the joy of co-pasion,  And  along with it the knowledge that we inter are and co-dependence. 

Even the recognition and the sitting still with our pain -- cooking our potatoes -- can be a joy filled experience if we are mindful of the fact that underneath the pain which is met with compassion is not just healing but a self capable of enduring unspeakable pain, atrocities. In recognizing this pain and anger with compassion for ourselves, that will eventually extend to others.  

To merely focus on the pain without the recognition of the inner joy of compassion is not healing but a recognition of only darkness. Darkness is there and must be acknowledged, but so is the light of the compassionate self. Compassion is there in mindfulness waiting and sitting, Compassion for self and others.   

This practice even sitting with our pain is fullness  The process is being fully human. It is not just moving forward with the pain that would not be mindful.  To be mindful is to acknowledge the suffering without ignoring the seeds that are positive. The pain cannot be healed without water the seeds of joy as well.  One cannot heal one without the other. One be human by ignoring and repressing reality -- the reality of suffering. One cannot heal if suffering and compasion do not meet and embrace.

Concentration is the companion of  mindfulness. Their companionship with ourselves  allows us to get through each day feeling the suffering yet  being mindful of the joy and happiness and focusing on the work or relaxation we are doing.   Concentration and mindfulness are the  counter point to the immense suffering of the survivor who is constantly controlled by the judgmental self. The judgmental self does not believe him/herself worthy of anything good that includes satisfying employment, relaxation and of course joy and happiness. Judgment will constantly remind we survivors of our undeserving nature. These create e phenomena that affects 1 in 6 men and 1 in 3 men who are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. The phenomena is settling for less it is under earning and underling. If a person i s mindful themselves and insightful they can observe us with relative lttle practice. Who is the person you know at the office who is under living and under earning?


Insight is healing and the result of these practices that allows us to move forward in healing and thus be fully available and effective in healing others.  Without insight, if the entire practice were only four steps it could be used as a form of cognitive repression and a cause of mental illness not a practice for healing and wholeness for the individual and the world. Insight allows the privilege of joining in the healing of others. .Insight is healing.

Juanita Ryan

The 5 practices remind me of the Juanita Ryan's  method for healing from trauma. Her practice incorporates all of Thay's five principles of nurturing happiness. 

Juanita's practice:

• awareness

• of the wounded self
• the judgmental self
• and the compassionate self

• Taking ownership of the\

• the wounded self
• the judgmental self
• and the compassionate self

• and finally  integrating

• the wounded self
• the judgmental self
• and the compassionate self. 

(please see http://www.nacr.org/wordpress/37/recovery-from-childhood-abuse and
http://www.juanitaryan.com/)


For me the healing process has lead to becoming aware of the constant war within me of judgement and wounedness. Judgement keeps woundedness at bay. Judgment is in charge most of the time, and wins most of the time. 

The only problem is that once judgment has won once judgement has crushed woundedness the wounded self takes over. The wounded self seeks love and affection. Love and affection when extended to woundedness and judgement along the way using the methods expressed within Thay's five principles summons the compassionate self, however without the compassionate self woundedness having been crushed by unrelenting judgement will be summoned to seek love the way it at that a very deep level and early age were conditioned to seek these. As a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse the wounded self seeks love and affection through sexual objectification. Woundedness was conditioned to seek these things at a very deep level through objectifying the self to acheive them. But beneath woundedness there exists the compasionae self whole and intact. The perpatraors could not crush or destroy the compassionate self made in the image and likeness of Almighty God. .  When the inner deep compassionate self extends compasion to woundedness and judgement he/she accpts love as it comes not within the corrupted conditiong of the wounded self. 

The wounded self will seek love and approval the antidote to judgment  through sexual objectification, because this is the way woundedness was conditioned was taught by the perpetrators  since early childhood was the only way to receive these to seek these thigs beceause that is the way the only way woundedness was assured of getting love accpetance an end to lonliness and betraly and an end to suffering. As a child our senses of self worth and autonomy are taught to us by our parents and extended family. We taught that we are worthy when we please the adults in our life. The way the sexually abused child was taught to be worthy was by pleasing the adults in their lives sexually, by being used by the adults as a sexual object. I have self-worth if I am doing what grandpa wants -- allowing him to sodomize me. I have self worth if I am pleasing mommy by letting her control and stimulate my body beyond the point of releases, because there is no release for a child,  to a place of harmful hideous pain It is painful physically and emotionally for me, but I can see her satisfaction -- I am worthy. This abuse takes the place of what should have been the loving nurturing of a mother.

The wounded self was conditioned to end the suffering through sexually objectification and he/she will seek it at all cost. 

The cost of childhood sexual abuse is suffering combined with self worth. The fear, pain and self loathing that are the real results of childhood sexual abuse drive self judgement to keep woundedness at bay.  Thus a split occurs there is  the judgmental self and the woundeded self. They hate each other and are constantly at war with each other until one more time woundedness wins. When oundendedness wins it  seeks with a single mindness love and affection through sexual objectification and receives instead lose and self loathing.  Woundendness reaps judgement. This destructive process is repeated over and over again to understand and to seek compassion from others. 

The work that leads to healing is not to ignore nor deny the spit the war between judgment and woundeness, but to let the compassionate self emerge, to summon the compassionate self.  

The compassionate self is capable of bringing a cease fire in the war between judgment and woundedness prior to annihilation. Compassion stops judgment in its tracks and brings to woundeness  a different conclusion The conclusion is that woundedness is already loved worthy and whole.  When woundensss takes control but get what it seeks in a manner other then sexual objectification and annihilation by practicing the principles laid out by Juanita and Thay principles  compasioin heals judgement and woundeness out of existence. This is integration. The survivor is left with the true self still buried intact under it all.  Whenever I compare the destruction of abortion with the destruction of Childhood Sexual Abuse I make the point that they ae eqaully dsetructive one abortion murders a child in and now sometimes outside fo the womb,m while Childhood Sexual abuse buries the child alive. The compassionate self the true self the one fashioned by God in His image and likenesses is buried underneath the warring parts of judgement and woundendess the slef hatred they have for each other their self destruction and annihilation which also is destructive to the the true compassionate self with it.  Healing is a matter of compassion clawing its way out of the coffin and digging up through the six feet of dirt plied on him/her by the perpetrators. This takes time and commitment.  



Great healers are great warriors and gifts from God. I am grateful to both Thay and Juanita. The Buddhist and the Christian. They understand, because each has had to face suffering and has merged whole. I am grateful for their insight into suffering suffering and insight. and their willingness to speak the truth to others. and to provide practices that are practical methods for healing that honor the suffering the unbearable pain and the joys in life.

Get real and heal.


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