Home Bath House: For Children

Home Bath House: For Children

Nothing illustrates the evil nature of my childhood and my mother’s personal evil as the steam rooms she would set up for orgies with her own children.

She molested me from the ages of 2 and 9 in her bed and also in the tub. I was the first born and thus she bathed me alone. During these “baths” she would stimulate my penis to the point of pain.  Next my younger sister was added to these molest sessions in the tub. She being groomed as I was molested both of us in the tub with mom undressed.  Next, after my sister was groomed my mother molested me and had me molest my sister which amounted to tactile oral stimulation, after I was worked up tacitly by mom. All of the time suffering great physical and emotional pain, as well as, scrambling boundaries that were due to be forming at that stage of childhood development. My brother was born next and added to the bath house grooming procedure. Then my youngest sister was born and added to the tub. After her grooming the children’s bath house was complete. This is how we bathed. I faced my mother as she stimulated me, then I was made to stimulate my sister; and my brother would be stimulating my youngest sister. Always with mom calling us little whores, who were going to hell.

As I grew older I rebelled and did not want to be part of this ritual of being objectified by my mother, which is the way she loved us by objectifying and raping us and having us stimulate each other to satisfy her evil desires. I was always the last to join and had to be called to be part of this ritual of rape and abuse which aroused my mother. O these evenings. O those bath times. After EMDR today I realized that all bath times were like this bath house but not in San Francisco for gay men only for mom and her kids.

I was the last to come into the bath house, because I didn’t want to. At the age of 6, 7, 8, and 9 I felt I should be taking my own baths. It was time for me to develop autonomy, and control over my own body, which I never had. And I did not want to participate in the orgies that these bathhouse events always were.  

We had a one-bedroom house and mom would gather us all together for her evil pleasure.   I would protest but to no avail I had to comply.  I started out in the shower bath last. For those of you who don’t know a shower bath is the bath water rising the drain sealed but instead of the water running through the spout, it rained from the shower head. On to mom in front me second as the eldest child, Jemma third facing me as the eldest girl, Mark and then Gina facing each other. With all of us in the tub you can imagine that we started out rubbing together and generating our own steam for mom’s pleasure. 

Mom would titillate me first as I developed an early interest in her breasts (ages 6, 7, 8, and 9), she would “wash” me which amounted to rubbing me all over with soap with special attention to my nipples and penis. Thus excited I would then be required to turn to my sister and stimulate her rubbing nipples touching kissing touching her genitals and letting her give me oral sex.

I did not enjoy the home bath houses. I was groomed to endure them from the age of 2. Being first born I was alone with mother for a year. As she fondled my penis in the tub there was at the start little sexual pleasure and more pain than titillation. As the grooming continued and as I developed forming sexuality in my mind and body the moments of pleasure increased as the moments of physical pain decreased. My sexual rape and objectification by my mother in the home bath house continued until I was 9 years old and the pleasure/pain ratio never reached 50/50.  There was always more physical pain than pleasure. Added to the pleasure pain ratio that occurred that occurred on two developmental planes simultaneously, was that there was never any release for me. As my mother’s lust and excitement grew, based on her rape her tactile stimulation of my penis grew, my pain sense of being used and betrayed and objectification also grew. Since it was my mother spending tie with me and raping me these physical sensations and emotions my sexual objectification became associated with love and affections. That is, I was classically conditioned, starting at a preverbal phase of my development as a child, to associate over stimulation with no release, pain and sexual rape and objectification with love for me and affection for me.

I dealt with this cognitive dissonance b dissociating the memories emotions events and tactile feelings, while constructing the fantasy of a normal childhood around they few moments I was allowed on my own to play as other children, army, tinker toys, Legos, coloring. Although these were rare moments of childhood pleasure I constructed them into an illusion of continuous reality – a fantasy world with which to repress the dissonance between a real mother and the sexual predator who gave birth to me and my siblings.

I also cut myself off from my family including siblings. I never talked much with them or interacted at all and never expressed the love and affection I felt toward them.  This normal sibling affection was expressed in a distorted fashion during the bath house orgies. It was during these that I expressed my love and closeness.  The distortion and the continuous nature of the abuse, left me with nothing to express with regard to normal love and compassion and affection for my siblings. Deep within me where the unmolested compassionate child that is the real me, the me of me, the me that God created and that my perpetrators could not steal. This love still exists and is felt, if not expressed. 

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

Other Blogs by Fred Celio

Growing Up In An Incest Ring: Raped by My Parents Part 2
The Second Step In 12 step Indoctrination Sober Living Environments
Gratitude As Repression
An Abused Child's Prayer

Growing Up In An Incest Ring: Raped By My Parents (Part 2)

Last time I wrote about memories unlocked from trauma therapy using EMDR, I went into some of the details of being molested in what I thought was one on one molestation by my mother. My father’s involvement was minimized

After sessions the last two weeks it has become apparent that my father was a full participant. He was involved as much as my mother in both my individual abuse, s well as the rape,  of my brothers and sisters.  

This is how it worked. Mom would pick me out of bed and begin the fondling, which is a polite word for tactile rape.    Children below the age of consent when stripped nude by nude sexually aroused adults are tactiley raped. That is childhood rape, and that is what my mother and father did to me between the ages of 2 and 9, as well as, to my younger brother and two younger sisters. Children blow the age consent, which is 16 in most states can’t give consent. We also have nether developed physically mentally to experience sexuality. Thus it is tactile rape which brings and evil stimulation and arousal to the perpetrators, how in their rape are the only ones engaging their sexuality.  

When I was between the ages of 2 and 4 I was also pre verbal. That mean not only could I not give consent to what was being done to my body, nor mentally and emotionally did I have a sense of what consent was, what sex was and what boundaries are, that I could not verbally express the experience nor did I have the cognitive ability to realize consciously what was being done to me. I experienced the abuse emotionally and physically but could not consciously express the abuse through thought and language.  This lead to cognitive dissonance as a child and repression through dissociation.  It also leads to nonverbal reliving of the abuse experience both as a child and as an adult re-living the abuse experience know as re-enactment at a non-verbal level is robotic – it occurs at uncontrollable times and without free will choice of the abused child.  Therapy coupled with anti-anxiety medicine benzodiazepines, which have a long history of use and effectiveness in combating anxiety are useful for the duration of therapy

So this is how it would work. Mom would call me into her room. I would e told to come into her bed, robotically I complied. She would be stripped naked and then she would strip me. It would always began with conversation because although compliant I was reluctant I would be warned that I would be killed in some heinous way abandoned or she would stop molesting me and pick my brother or sister. This type if warning invoked my protective nature of the smaller children as I was the eldest and felt it better for me to suffer the abuse than they.

After being stripped and coerced in to compliance by violent abusive talk I would be touched all over chest nipples genitals until whew s sufficiently aroused to go down on me or give me oral sex.

Inevitably after a period of this type of over tactile stimulation I would at first be titillated and then in pain, and then my father would come home and join us in bed. I would be told to do the same things to my father that my mother had been doing to me including rubbing his chest licking his nipples and giving him oral sex meaning taking his penis into his mouth.  It was more and more painful and repugnant for me as they became more and more aroused.

Eventually when they were done with me when they were sufficiently aroused. I would be dismissed to go back to my room, as my brother and sisters either lay in bed anxiously or scurried back into their beds as I climbed in to mine, hurt physically and mentally and exhausted.

The exhaustion helped the repression as did the cognitive dissonance of having to go to Catholic school next day, and act as if nothing had happened even though I was called by my parents a little whore who would go to hell.

This was the regular routine of my life during formative years and yet there was more rape and humiliation at the hands of others simultaneously from my mother and maternal grandparents during my life as a child in an incest ring.  

Copyright Fred Celio 2916

Other Blogs by Fred Celio
Childhood: Raped by My Parents

My Initial Incest Experience
My Initial Incest Experience Part 2
The Garage Next Door
A Cup of Coffee
The Second Step in 12 Step Cult Indoctrination: Sexual Assualt At Sober Living Environments, or Clean and Sober Living Homes

Genuine Humanity and Healing

John 3:8New International Version (NIV)

8 The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”

Question

I just get up in the morning and take it from there. I'm usually quite happy as long as im not hormonal or anxious. Its unrealistic to think you can be blissful all the time. That's just daft. But there are programs and some kinds of new age beliefs systems that promise this kind of stuff. Well it works well if that's your belief system and things are going good in your life but when life takes a turn these kinds of belief systems are disastrous because the person blames themselves.

Response

I understand what you are saying and can empathize, although I always awaken with anxiety, even when things are going well, this is a product of my abuse/trauma experiences, which occurred at night and left me with no memory but the anxiety I the morning. I think that anxiety is an indicator of repression as is depression. I think though to be an authentic human being I must experience all emotions as the occur. I do not believe in negative emotions putting a value judgement on an emotion to me is like comparing a healthy redwood with a healthy eucalyptus. One may prefer one to the other; this preference may even change on different days , but the fact is they are and the can be appreciated. With emotions this is this time taken to appreciate the existence of a tree is called processing. While admiring a tree may be a luxury for some, processing emotions is a necessity of genuine humanity. Watching the waves of the sea is the best analogy I have found for describing the play of emotions within a human being. They are many and different and ebb and flow as they well they crest and valley as they will. To not notice this sea of emotions within us and react appropriately is to not be fully human. I think the goal of must new age religions, and I have found them to be mostly variations of Hinduism invite us to sea the ocean while ignoring the waves. Additionally, this is onr of the fundamental flaws of cognitive psychology v. constructivism. Pax Christi

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

More from Survive Childhood Sexual Abuse
Just Say No To The 12 Step Cult Religions
Raped By My Parents
Leave The Past In The Past

Systemic Abuse of Alcholics Anonymous and the other 12 step Cult Religions: EMDR and Xanax as treatment for Incest, Childhood Sexual Abuse, and Trauma

I have generalized anxiety disorder with acute panic attacks that can occur for 9 to 14 days where I disappear watch pornography identify with the female role in porno which is very degrading to women, and have a very strong desire to be a shemale prostitute forever, even taking meth I cannot fulfill this . As I have healed in my childhood sexual abuse, which occurred between the ages of 2 and 9 (btw it was a Catholic priest Msg O'Brien at Our Lady of Perpetual Help School in Clovis, Ca who put a stop to the abuse, He is a genuine hero and I believe is representative of the vast majority of priests and not representative of this evil men who would go so far as to go to seminary and put on a collar just to gain access to children.   I have come to associate these disappearances which the program AA beat me over the head with as relapses for years decades really as re-enactment or reliving the abuse experience in order to understand an resolve it not as a drug relapse. . Well I have come to associate them with that wounded part of myself the sexually abused child the sexually experienced child, whom I hate and who I split from at age 10. 

Now split from means dissociated from through repression on a very deep level, remember I hate my wounded self I hate the feeling of being a sexually experienced child therefore I hate myself. so I pushed the wounded self inward as if he did not exist. To do this I formed a judgmental self this is he self that is operative most of the time and constantly criticizes me every second of everyday even going so far as to project criticism as if it is coming from others when in fact they have said or done nothing critical of me. Eventually what happens is after so much of this criticism 4 times a year once a month the wounded self would take the focus leave and seek love and affection the way he was conditioned to via being sexually objectified. two weeks later I would end up in an emergency room either with or without a limo ride from first responders terrified, because that is the end emotion of my sexual abuse. Now since my abuse started at 2 years which is pre-verbal the reliving, the re-enactment is also non verbal. It's thoughts  constant thoughts both trying to seek love by objectifying myself and trying to figure out why I feel like this. 

I would play out the abuse taking the parts in the pornography I was watching trying to understand what they did to me until those things that my abusers told me they would do to be if I talked came to the surface, and I running for safety would end up I an emergence room. First they attributed it to drugs but I learned upon coming to to ask for a psychological worker in the hospital so I could tell the reality of my story which has nothing to do with drugs they are merely a catalyst they make me feel like a sex object that wounded child a sex object. Now with the therapy I'm doing if I break a Xanax jn half and swallow it works really fast and the anxiety disappears I can see reality and process it for what it is can love my self and make it t the next therapy session. You hear in the rooms all the time. I'll get better, my life in the rooms my experience is that things progressively got worse. And I think that is the rule not the exception. You know that is pretty much my story the last 31 years in the rooms trying to figure this out while at the same time fitting in. It just doesn't work. AA is a nightmare that never ends until you break away no matter the pain and the urge to go back (that's cultism). Stay away from the 12 steps they are cult religion that includes all that use the 12 steps AA, NA ... XA and warn other people about this serious cult.

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

gratitude as repression

Gratitude As Repression

There are many things throughout the day that invoke the emotion of gratitude within me. I do not have to list them as a form of shaming for not focusing on them continually thus neglecting the issues that I must solve. focusing on gratitude is a method of regression repressing those things that are uncomfortable and need to be dealt with fr example the sexual pedration that takes place in the meetings the negative self-labeling the abusive attitude of the group structure itself it's failure rate etc.

The 12 step cult religions must go they dominate the treatment industry and thus blocks real science based treatment and thus actually destroy lives. The 12 steps don't heal; they kill. I am committed to doing everything legally possible to bring about the destruction of the 12 steps and freeing those captured by this cult, started by a drunken acid dropping former stock broker who lost his shirt in the crash of 29 and thus started another scam.

Orange Papers is a platform for exposing and destroying the 12 step cult religion and freeing those still captured, for that I am grateful not just for agent orange and orange papers but the entire anti 12 step movement.

We will prevail. It is a truth, a reality that anything that refuses to change ie the first 164 pages of that big book, will eventually implode and destroy itself. I abhor treatments that are purported to be medical ,don't work and shame and blame the victim for their failure.

The 12 step cult religions are one of the largest cons/scams ever perpetrated on humanity by one of the worlds greatest scam artists. They destroy lives. After 31 years of being miss-diagnosed and regular almost daily attendance studying with the gurus, my life is a shambles. and not from drinking/using, but from hanging out with lower companions in abusive environments in the rooms letting my self esteem being torn down in the name of ego deflation, pretending to believe things without question "fake it till you make it,"

And now having a host of friends who are only to happy to help me as long as I re-indoctrinate into their bull shit cult.

I am committed to using every legal means available for their destruction. Id be willing to bet, and we should look at the numbers, that attendance is dropping since the rise of the anti aa movement and the rise of science based non 12 step treatment.

When I went to treatment for the first time where I didn't belong except to minister to the incest survivors that were channeled into aa,  I was given a big book and 12 x 12 that my insurance company paid 30k for. What a scam. I was surrounded by incest survivors that the CADCs running the "treatment" were not qualified to help. My first day in treatment, my very first process group I entered a young woman was talking about having been molested.  I was  like wtf what am I doing here. Sure am glad this didn't happen to me. Not knowing at the time that I too was a seual abuse survivor.

My sexual abusive started between the ages of 2 and 9.

There was a young man in that first treatment center, who was the child of his father and his sister his whole family was like that. The CADCs did not know what to do' so believe it or not they recruited me to help to facilitate their groups -- absolutely true story from 1985.

The 12 step cult religions need to be destroyed for the good of humanity. I stand with those who  expose these cults for what they are -- religious cults that are abusive and destroy lives/ They must be exposed and destroyed.

My experience in AA
What I was told was you can't talk about this here because child molesters go here AA and they deserve to get sober too. I was told this by more than one member AA/NA. I was told when I did talk about it there that "I" not what I was talking about was an outside issue. I had a sponsor who was child molester. Who insulted my 5th step. I have heard  a man from the podium a deacon at our lady of the assumption catholic church in Pasadena my parish at the time talk about molesting boy scouts from the podium at a meeting in Glendale the one at the rehab center there. I promptly reported him to his boss and the county. Every time I write and talk about this I heal. 

I find it difficult to believe that Bill and Bob did not make the connection between substance abuse and sexual abuse as the core issue. Maybe not in all cases but in many and certainly with any chronic relapser that I have ever met. Even when I had time I always gravitated to the chronic relapsers, they were always my favorites kinder more compassionate and really just more interesting to be with. 

Now having left for therapy EMDR and anti-anxiety medication on a temporary basis I am doing  Plus it's only temporary until I complete the therapy which is going well.and feeling much better even though the therapy is god awful. It would be much easier to go to meetings and pal around with the winners. Of course someone one would likely mention the Xanax which keeps me from disappearing for 9 days to two weeks and ending up terrorized in an emergency room, and is only temporary, while I complete the therapy. Anything is better than the hell of locking myself in a motle room for two weeks and either calling the police on myself or taking a cab to the er.

Then coming back to AA and being shamed continuously and then told to keep coming back. and being hugged unwanted by a potential child molester.

My disappearances were not relapses at all and drink and using were only secondary. Since my abuse started pre-verbal, I re-live the abuse experience in a non verbal fashion in order to understand it. I don't imagine I am much different from many who have found their way to the 12 steps. Over 30 years I've met too many survivors who couldn't get "IT" simply because it was the wrong treatment. Lovely people who because that's all they were used to allowed themselves to be treated like crap by quite frankly complete strangers with no credentials no desire to help and who may have been perpetrators themselves.

As they are found of saying in the step before the steps "this shit has to stop."

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

Debbie Hall

Bowie, “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

I had to learn what a relationship was before I could have a healthy one. Just like in all other areas, I had to learn the truth before I could live in it. I didn’t know that I was just as valuable as everyone else or that the burden of all relationship shouldn’t be on me. I didn’t realize there wasn’t equality in the relationships that I had, just as I didn’t know that there could be equality in relationships since I had not seen an example of it. Darlene Ouimet https://www.facebook.com/emergingfrombroken/?fref=nf

 

Debbie Hall

I cannot believe that I traded her back

For I wife I never loved and who never loved me

I loved her when I did not know what love was and

She loved me

I could not get that through my head

And now I do

She loved me

For that she paid

The fault as for everything until I am healed is that of my perpetrators

Millstone or not

They have a lot to answer for

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

Male Dominance an Avenue of Avoidance

page contents

 Talking Trees

Healing is a process that requires knowledge, lots of it. Knowledge alone won't automatically move you forward, but the lack of knowledge can definitely keep you stuck. The knowledge that is required to thrive is not just about childhood sexual abuse. We need to understand how the mind works, how the body works, and how society works. All of these systems converge onto each of our personal healing journey. There is no single book, website, support page or support person that can give you all of the information that you need to thrive. You must become intimately involved with your own seeking and learning and processing and growing. Invest intentional time in healing (away from the computer) to engage in the learning process. Topics related to healing include: cognitive dissonance, social development, fitness and health, male dominance, religion (the study of religion, not the practice), mindfulness, feminism. So even though support and information for survivors are very limited, support and information related to healing is not limited at all. The most important element is YOU. (see  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Talking-Trees-Adult-Survivors-of-Childhood-Sexual-Abuse/157082910999500?fref=nf)

 My response

It is interesting how some people can use up so much time energy and space to say absolutely nothing. Writers used to crumple up these pages and toss them in the waste basket when they came to the realization that ... well there is no point made here. I save mine in a folder, we have computers now, sort of an electronic waste basket so I can retrieve it, because you know there's always that one sentence that begins to haunt you and you go through the waste basket looking for the one crumpled paper with the one sentence upon which an entire worthwhile idea can be based. Writers are like this.

I particularly find offensive and untenable the theme that addressing male dominance has value in healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse. This is an obvious path to avoidance of the reality that survivors make or female are abused sexual by males and/or females and that the real issues that are being avoided by fixating on "male dominance" and it's attended generalized anger which is as very good hypothesis to explore as a reason for female homosexuality, but the theme of male dominance avoids the real issues that need to be reflected on and healed these are the operant conditioning to trade compliance for needs and concomitantly the classical conditioning of needing to sexually objectify oneself in order to get love affection and attention, the self-hatred associated with this.

It the generalized anger toward males particularly in the area of sex because of a female being sexually abused by an important male in her life one seen as dominate in the social group known as the family can certainly be used as a rebellious activity to avoid the real issues. The same points can also be used as environmental conditioning for lesbianism. This hy[hypothesis should be explored further.

In summary I think we can see relationships between male dominance being suggested as a healing avenue when there is no such evidence, how such thinking about make dominance can be triggered by a certain form of childhood sexual abuse ie father daughter abuse, how generalizing one's understandable anger toward such horrible and hideous suffering can be used as an avoidance technique for the real issues of operant and classical conditioning that leads to self-hatred and that finally there may be a linkage between father daughter childhood sexual abuse and lesbianism.

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