The Garage Next Door

For Jenna a niece whom I love though we have never met.  And for Bonnie,Esther and the boys down the street during this event. And for all my survivor friends. the truth empowers. And to end Childhood Sexual Abuse.(CSA).

I will not lie down

I will not go quietly

I will not submit

I will not roll over

I will not comply

I will not sit down

I will not shut up

This is another event in my  sexual abuse history -- the incest I experienced as a child. I have a history of being sexually abused. That is a shock as I absorb this fact, and reflect and write about this event. The sequence is that this is the last abuse that I can remember. 

My mother is a child molester. This is a picture of her this is what a child molester looks like.  Her name: Mary Jeanine Celio aka Jean Celio. Please do not eave her alone with your children. Her address 205 dutch hollowMenasha, Wi 54952 

I was already seasoned as an incest survivor not sensitized, but it was my experience. I knew how to be sexually abused. My body and mind were while not OK with the experience, you know what as I wrote this I realized I knew what to do. I knew what was expected of me. There was a combination of a kind of titillation that is not adult sexuality but of being touched of feeling cheap and dirty and bad and getting a thrill from that feeling. A thrill a sexual like thrill from feeling cheap and dirty and bad and being a veteran of the experience the game. This was childhood. This is a whole plethora of feelings that need healed a whole group of feelings in and of themselves this feeling like a veteran of incest being seasoned being socialized as if it were part of the normal childhood experience. My worthlessness on the one hand and my value n the other were held and coupled to the feelings of comfort at being objectified. I was a man who had had sex with a woman my mother.  I was a woman already as being dressed up by my grandmother. I was their everything and I was absolutely nothing. I was a sexually experienced child at this time. As I reflect and feel these feelings again, I realize that is why I escaped and buried these feelings. I never wanted to go back there to feel them again, and if my "family" had taken care of me I would never had to experience this hideous awful feeling  coupled with sensations of titillation that shattered my childhood as well as destroyed my self(the seat of my personality) and my EGO(the seat of my hopes dreams and aspirations. I was nothing except as the sexual object defined by the adults in my life whom I was dependent on for everything.

 It is not the last I will be writing about. There was at least one other abusive event I experienced from my maternal grandfather, and on going abuse between the ages of 4 and 9 by my mother and grandmother.

The house at 5702 E Buckingham Way in Fresno

This event occurred when I was 6 years old.  Our “family” lived at 5702 E Buckingham way in Fresno . Ca. 93727. I include the address and personal information, because it was during this time that my mother molested not just me, but two neighbor girls from across the street on Buckingham. Their names are Bonnie and Esther. I do not remember their last names. They lived directly across the street from us. And two neighbor boys who lived on the other side of the vacant house from us on Buckingham Way. Who’s names I do not remember.

 One day I was at a friends house and was walking home. I happened to see two girls with their pants pulled down swinging on the gate to the vacant house next door.  This was the house that my friend David Wood and his family the Rymes moved out of not long before.

The Garage Next door to 5702 E Buckingham Way Where my mother Jean Celio molested me four neighbor children (Bonnie, Esther, Unknown boy 1, Unkown Boy 2)  my two sisters (Gina and Jemma) and my brother (Mark).

One of the little girls was my sister and the other was one of the girls from across the street. I approached them and they led me to the garage. There inside was my mother Mary Jeanine Celio know as Jean Celio. She was nude at then top. Her breasts interested me. Inside were also undressed my brother Mark my sister Jemma she was giving oral sex to the boy two doors down. My sister Gina with a girl from across the street let me in. the other boy from two doors down had been engaged somehow  with my mother and the other girl from across the street they rose up as I walked in. I do not remember what was said only something from my mother saying when I asked what this was that we were licking hot dogs and kissing hamburgers/ (this is really icky for me to write).

Both House 5702 E Buckingham Way and the one next door where my mother molested us. They look exactly the same as they looked then.

Having already been molested several times on an ongoing basis I was not repelled by the scene. I was experiencing an unnatural titillation for my age.  That feeling was due  seeing my mother naked from the top down, who had already molested me one on one and with my brother and sisters before this scene. I was conditioned to this sort of scene, even though it was a new setting and now included neighbor children.  The important thing is my feelings and memories about me not what the conversation was. Kissing hot dogs and licking hamburgers. 

I was jealous as other  boys were having my moms attention.  I thought the neighbor boy, the eldest, was being favored over me for my mothers sexual attention. Yes she had been giving him attention to show the others how things were done. Why didn't she pick me for this? why did she wait till I was gone to start the molestation scene. These were some of the feelings. I experienced. As a sexually experienced and incest socialized child. There was nothing wrong with it. It was what we did all the time at home. What was wrong was that I  wasn't my mother's focus. She was indoctrinating another

As I write this the memories, are trying to force there way back down, but I was a child and I had already been conditioned to this sort of thing. So it was not new nor abnormal from my childhood experienced. I feel some shame and blame rising. You’ll see why later further down. So my mother was using herself the neighbor boy and the neighbor girl to demonstrate. And my sister was with the other neighbor boy

I feel like a man walking in older than the others even though I am 9 and jealous of my mother’s attention to others. And I wanted to take my place with my mother to show with her to the others how everything was done. I thought I was her lover. But feeling ashamed already, I looked for my place froze not wanting to be there,  but being enticed by my involuntary feelings that should have been unfamiliar. I was being enticed by wanting to pleas my mother and getting back to the number one place in her pecking order. And I was repulsed from the whole scene. The jealously and unnatural titillation won out you know I wonder if it was titillation at all or just jealousy hurt  and shame betray for I had thought I was my mothers number on and now here is this blond neighbor boy in my place.

I strolled in and the other children hollered at me to disrobe. I did and I approached my mother my word this is icky. She told me to stay where I was that we were kissing hot dogs and licking hamburgers.

There was a lot of doing things and watching my mother do things until I would do anything she said and I was then told too give oral to the neighbor boy. I din not want to do this i wanted the breasts. I remember, but dad had done it to me already, and I knew I would get the breasts 

As she was speaking to me all the time telling me how good it was and to do it. And egging me on.

As this was going on

of a sudden, I felt a hand on my shoulder and as I looked up it was my mom asking me in anger what I was doing there telling me how bad I was and telling me to get dressed. At first i was good, and now I was bad. She sent the other boy home saying "remember what I said,"  She led me out grabbing my arm as if she were mad at me. She led me home.   She said she was going to tell my father threatening me all the way home. I to my room.  Nothing happened. Life went on as before. The incident was never mentioned again.  I lie in my bed confused and riddled with shame.

He attempt to blame me did not succeed. As you can see. I survived. I am a person who is determined to remember to speak and to be heard. I am real. I exist, and I an a of high character and morality, regardless of the actions of the woman who bore me.

My concern now is for my niece Jenna who the perpetrator spent much time alone with during her early years, and who abruptly stopped spending time with her. My molester needs to admit what she did t her and take her lumps so this precious little girl can get effective counseling as soon as possible. Healing at the earliest possible time this is essential, before she starts exhibiting self-destructive symptoms.