Saturday, July 19, 2014

Pigeon Toed

For Gemma

Pigeon Toed

A little girl shouts her
Silent screams of agony and terror
The world dashes to treat her symptoms

They suffocate her dreams.

copyright 2014 Fred Celio

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Survive Childhood Sexual Abuse Book Group

Survive Childhood Sexual Abuse Book Group

We will be discussing Judith Herman MD Trauma and Recovery.

  • A day and time to be decided  
  • via conference Call
  • At (559) 726-1300
  • CC 805479#
You do not have to be a survivor to join the discussion


Saturday, February 1, 2014

My Days Begin

The following is a quote from Ellen Bass and Laura Davis in "The Courage to Heal," it was posted this morning on the facebook page of Overcoming Child Sexual Abuse. I responded t it with my own experience.

It also contains a commentary on the efficacy of books on healing from non-credentialed partially healed people. These books, as well as, public appearances and statements on CSA by celebrities who are also partially healed, but have "overcome" the difficulties of CSA are often given the weight of healing tecquies and methods, and are thus given more weight than they warrant. They can lead people away from their healing paths and give the impression that either complete healing and wholeness are not possible or that the techniques promoted will bring about healing. A careful reading and understanding of statements by the partially healed can provide insight into why using such writings and statements as sign posts to complete healing is dubious at best. 

“At the most basic level, you may believe that you don’t deserve anything good in your life. Your feelings about yourself may fluctuate wildly. You may feel okay about yourself most of the time, self-critical feelings lying dormant until you have some kind of setback—a loss, a period of change, an argument with someone you love.” The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

The above statement is an indication of partial healing. This does not mean that the book from which the statement is taken does not have value. It is a book about partial healing from CSA written by women without credentials who are themselves only partially healed. If partial healing is your goal  if perhaps serenity is your end and not wholeness, then by all means read such books and apply the methods described. 

Please respect my choice, to follow a road less traveled one that is more painful who's goal is not happiness and serenity  for these are not goals at all, but false or fools gold nuggets to be found along the way. My goal is full healing and wholeness. My method is hard deep and painful. As painful as the abuse itself  but it's end is worth the pain, and is more worth while than living the frustration a partially healed life. 

This morning I read the above statement; I could certainly related to it. But I thought it was odd in a book about healing without the comfort of knowing that these emotional residues from the abuse would not eventually dissipate and disappear altogether. For that is what this statement is about sign-posts on the way to wholeness and healing -- the quoted statement is not a legacy. As survivors we are not resigned to a life punctuated by feelings of hopelessness and self criticism. I believe that even Judith Herman MD in "Trauma and Recovery" implies that trauma survivors will always have the potential for negative feelings to be triggered  This is a subject I would like to take up with her more deeply. I do not believe this to be true for survivors. I think that the views expressed in "The Courage to Heal" and in "Trauma and Recovery" are in fact subtle suggestions from those who should know better of inviting the survivor in yet again another of the million ways people tell us to "just get over it." 

If I as a survivor will always be haunted by self-criticism and a feeling of being less than or if I will always be prone to triggering events that may lead to flashbacks and the same self-criticism and feelings of worthlessness  then I am not healed, and I am most likely pursuing healing using a method that is inadequate. Most likely i am using a modality that seeks to remove symptoms or change symptomatic behavior. While there is comfort in such methods and the illusion of progress, I will never be healed, at some point I will reach a state of "serenity" which includes a resignation to the fact that I am somehow damaged by the abuse ireprobly.  I will be forever pursuing methods of not healing but of changing my behavior and eternally in a state know as ' "recovery."  I choose another path. A path that leads to fullness, wholeness and healing as if the abuse never happened.

My thoughts, given the quote, and where I am on my journey today follow.

Funny how they don't allow me to comment on their page any more . There are ways around that. The point this morning though is that this is an older book, which does not mean it does not have value.

Therapeutically though the book leaves much to be desired. I do not know the context of the quotation below, but it is indicative of a partially healed person. For example, I wake up feeling this way each and every morning in the state described in the quote -- feeling frightened, worthless and self-critical, the qualifying event or setback as the authors call it, I guess, is awakening. I wake up in fear, and with a sense of worthlessness and betrayal and shame always the shame. Sometimes these feelings can be accompanied with a sense of not believing the truth. The truth of the incest I endured and survived not being true> I sometimes wake up with a sense of shame associated with portraying my family as child molesters and falsely accusing them. 

When this happens I start bringing myself back to reality and healing with looking at my sign posts. The first sign post I usually start with is the initial scent that started bringing the abuse memories to the level of consciousness, from the subconscious where they were buried for decades, save for a few unassociated constructs.  This was a scent I reexpereinced several years ago, and I was overwhelmed with a sense of familiarity and repugnance.  This was the scent of the laundry room sink where I was suffocated when I was 4 which. I was passing an area that gave off the same scent as this sink, the area was made of that same material, and this scent changed my life, for it was then that I began to remember. This is a sign post to reality.

Then there is an amnesia experience that occurred a few years after I reexperienced the scent that triggered remembering my almost being killed in the sink. The memory of meeting a friend who was important to me was wiped clean in a rush a wave of negative emotion that I could not hold back. It was like trying to hold back a wave. Another sign post an undeniable link to the past. Whenver doubts creep in to support my daily awakening to fear, shame and worthlessness, I simply remember the sign posts. these undeniable links to reality, which cannot and will not be denied.  Referring to these undeniable sign posts brings me back to reality and the fullness of all the rest of the memories and where I am right now in my healing journey. 

On these mornings the things I have just described are part of my therapeutic, before I can move forward with my day. 

Then I deal with the fear that is described above the sense of worthlessness, this is how I awaken every single day.  This is an affect, a result of telling truth and living in reality. The truth is horrific and hideous, thus there was a reason for the amnesia beyond protecting the perpetrators, it was to protect me, from the hideous disgusting truth that I was in the hands of evil people at their mercy and existed only for their use and to protect them at the expense of me. Then there is the still present feeling memories of what they said they would do to me if I talked. Well, I am talking and more than talking I am re-structuring my thinking to absorb the fact that I did not grow up in a family. The idea of growing up in a family is a misperception.  The idea of them being "normal" is false it is an image that the adults wanted projected to the world for their self protection,and I participated in presenting this image to the world of normalcy in order to protect the perpetrators. 

Well I am no longer living in that false reality. I am no longer living that misperception, nor am I participating in it in any way. I did not grow up in a family. I escaped from an incest ring. I was molested by my mother on an ongoing basis individually and in groups between the ages of 4 and 9. I was molested by my father on two occasions, I was molested by my maternal grandmother individually on an ongoing basis between the ages of 4 and 9, at 4 years old she attempted to murder me via  water boarding suffocation, I was molested by my mother's step father my maternal grandfather between the ages of 4 and 9. He sodomized me on multiple occasions. My maternal grandmother’s uncles and male cousins physically abused me at the age of 9 when the abuse to the attention of my pastor, a Catholic priest who put a stop to the abuse. These are the acts that I must face and absorb a little bit more each and everyday as I awaken in the state described by the authors in the above quote. I do this so I can live in reality in the truth, and so someday when I am completely whole again and all of these vents have been absorbed, I will not have to awaken to these fears and sense of utter worthlessness. 

 So, each morning I awaken and feel less than, worthless and ashamed. Then I pray. I absorb the reality. Sometimes I can make a connection with the inner child before he was abused wherein lies the uncorrupted self -- seat of the personality the spirit the me that God created in His image and likeness whole, worthy, and uncorrupted; and  the  EGO, which not a bad thing is also God given, and the seat of my unique qualifications for life, my hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Every morning I awaken with a false sense of self as described above, and I get with God in an intimate way to make connection through the years of  abuse to whom I really am. Then I am ready for the day. This is how I get ready for the day. I make connection with God and His Mother and foster father, and I become whole enough for the day to function at what many people consider to be a high level -- but it is me it is just me being me. It is who. I am not the person I awaken as -- I think I am the person the abusers tried to make me into -- that is not me. 

So, what I have described, this daily process of awakening, is an indication that I am but partially healed. What I do each morning is part of the healing process, I must continue to remember to speak and to write each and every detail ,each last dark crevice must be brought into the light of truth. I must illuminate the darkness with the light of the world until all of it, all ofthe hideous dark unspeakable secrets are broght into His light and absorbed. 

Then I can be the me that He created me to be. This therapeutic? Well I can see no other way to fully absorb and believe and know that it was all their fault. It had nothing to do with me. Profound evil was perpetrated on me by evil people. This evil was and is theirs. It has nothing to do with me whatsoever. It is all the fault of those evil people who had access to me.

 When this process is complete, and it is a process that has a beginning, a middle, and an end (hence the word process), then I will be whole. When I don't just know these things, but when their reality and all the repercussions all the detail every dark crevice has been absorbed to my innermost bones, then I will not  have to consciously remember these things again;  when they have been absorbed fully integrated into me, then I will be healed and whole.

This is a hideous therapeutic that I would wish on no one. It means consciously every day living the abuse. It means writing the details not knowing what new feeling, emotion fear terror will be in those dark places. 

I am beginning the middle of this process and it has already paid dividends of healing. I could not do it without my Catholic faith. others I know do this work without faith, as for me I cannot imagine undertaking this process and continuing it without my Catholic Faith IN Jesus Christ and His mother. I will not settle for partially healed, nor do I settle for books written the partially healed nor do I hang onto public statements by celebrities who are partially healed. I do not find these to be therapeutically helpful, although they are inspiring.

Throughout the day, when self-criticism, shame terror crop up I practice  the same therapeutic. I will continue undeterred until the process is complete. 

Monday, January 20, 2014

A Cup of Coffee

A Cup of Coffee

When I was 7 years old I was sodomized for at least the second time by my maternal grandfather, actually he was my mother’s step father, but we knew him as grandpa. It did not catch me by surprise this time. At least not like when I was 4. But it again it did because, I was sneaked up on.

I was in bed spending the night at my grandparents. My sister was also there, but she got to sleep on the couch that night.  I think we vied for the couch. That was the safe place, the couch. I was in to sleep in  grandma Honey’s room. She was gone. Grandma Honey was my great grandmother. She was grandma Ruth’s mom. She hadn't passed away yet. There was a time in the year or so prior to her death the next year at 86 that she was visiting other family members spread out throughout the country. So I was able to sleep in her room.

I remember the room and the bed was a queen size. It was larger than a double, and much larger than my bed at home. The spread was a kind of not lacy but linen with the little nubs or thick threads that stuck up from it. These were always associated with grandparents’ stuff their house. 

Their house was different from ours; it was nicer materially, but it was just as dangerous as our own house on Buckingham way. It was cleaner and a bigger bed then I was used to. It was also a cleaner and bigger house than I was used. What a luxury it was or was it. Was it for me. Well going to grandma’s house had the illusion of being different of being better because of these nicer material things and it was quieter more orderly. So, yes it had the illusion of escape, but it was not it was the same old incest house just nicer. It was a nicer lear for evil.

As I write scents and textures are coming up. I liked being tightly tucked in. I think that gave me another illusion of safety.

He came again at night with the Jurgen’s lotion.I can kind of remember the scent of jurgen’s lotio, but not quite. When remembering these incest experiences there is a natural repression that starts when the memories come up. This is somewhat like the reflex reaction that occurs when vomit is coming up from the stomach to the mouth. Somewhere in the throat there is a reflex reaction that occurs to send the vomit back down to the stomach. There is a similar reaction when retrieving amnesiaed memories. Sometimes again like vomit they the memories just sit there in the conscious memory partially associated or connected to constructs but not fully available to the conscious mind, like vomit that stays in the throat or goes up and down the esophagus and never gets expelled. This can go on for years until the memory is fully remembered with all its details. And the memory is spoken verbalized. Speaking and sitting and writing. As with vomiting the natural instinct to expel the contaminant is in competition with the natural instinct to not expel. The idea of having vomit in your mouth is less repulsive than the idea of remembering a molestation event.

 Me, well I was asleep and then awakened, as I lie on my stomach with him on top and in me. I could feel him pressed against me with my pajamas on. They had a raised rough texture as well similar to the spread the bed spread I liked to be tightly tucked because this felt safe, but I was not. In the night the spread, blankets and sheets were pulled down, and I am immediately outside of myself. As I remember the details I am out of body above the experience looking down on it. Simultenously I feel his insertion wet and slick with jurgens lotion. Awakening again to this pain mixed with the tactil pleasure of a 7 year old being violently intruded on in the middle of the night while asleep in  a way that he does not want, and cannot choose.  

I wonder if god gives us this gift of dissociation during these times when the body is objectified. The meanness the cruelly the roughness the sexual violation all the violence and I am above it all looking down, feeling but not feeling, as I remember the feelings tactile and emotional for this is the therapy. Remembering, speaking, and writing, as I clench my fists and jaw and grunt and groan and shorten my breath, and … write. The textures the sense of being exposed. My ‘jama bottoms down. The texture of the bed, the spread I described above and my pajamas. The jergens lotion. Looking down from above as I am exposed and violated. Half asleep half awake. Close to death really. I now remember or my body memories are remembering, as I am molested at 7, when I was molested at 4 and then suffocated. And so when the sensations again come they are different. Tactily not unpleasurable, but equally as confusing as when I was 4 years old. At this age a different kind of shame is added to the mix of emotions, the shame of being somehow responsible for what I am not responsible for. For what is being done to me. The fear, the terror, the confusion and being pinned and then leaving my body immediately. Remember I am asleep and awakened as if dreaming but it is real. He is in me again and I cannot feel it I am looking down with disgust and confusion with my angel with God. We are all three Angel God and me watching the evil being done to me. We are witnesses to the evil. There is an element of sadness here, as God comforts me with the sadness of the whole seen, as the perpetrator attempts to steal my soul, and loses his in the bargain. But it is not me it is my body, objectified. Completely objectified and dissociated for protection from the feelings.

Whether one looks at this from purely the psychological experience or from a Godly perspective, they are the same. God came, my angel came, and I was spared the full force of the experience but now I can handle it, and so I remember and write.

When he was finished he left. I was alone again in the bed terrified, angry, and indignant I now am numb. I am back in my body, no longer simultaneously in it and outside of it, observing the evil and watching a man lose his soul, because of his uncontrollable violence done to me. It’s a very sad scene someone who would think they could hurt me in this way for some sort of pleasure on their part which I do not understand nor care about, and give away there eternity in the process. And so this is the sort of forgiveness I give to my perpetrator. Just a sadness, for in this case forgiveness is not necessary for ny healing in fact it would be a hindrance. There is only this sadness without anger or vengeance but a profound sadness as I watch with God and my angel a profound and eternally sad experience. And yet today I am angry. In the now of now, I am angry, but I reflect on my sadness at the time of the event.

I remember being terrified and anxious as I lay alone in the dark. Staying awake. My body lying to me the onslaught on my senses, experiencing sex and that tactile excitement that is not to be confused with sexual arousal, for my body is not capable of that. My senses were aroused and it seems  as if they betrayed me, but they did not. They reacted to the experience as a 7 year old boy who was experiencing a tactile not unpleasurable response – an overload of tactile stimulation and emotions. It is normal but an onslaught overpowering excitement. That is normal but I was not built to cope with this. The experience kept me awake, after being awakened, not wanting to be awakened.

So I stayed awake as the tactile excitement subsided and the anger set in. Anger at what had been done to me against my will. Just pure raw anger, and the desire to do something about it. The desire to go to the adults charged with my care and tell for them to protect me. To  invoke justice. To set the matter right. To confront him. No I wanted nothing to do with him. To be as far away from him as possible. To be able to speak to someone who understood and who would stand up for me and ho would punish him my perpetrator. This is what I wanted. This is the sense of injustice I sought for decades and I fought what was being done to me. I was becoming something I did not want to become. The tactile excitement was betraying me. I was becoming a sexually experienced child. And then if I did not stand up if I did not get help then it would be I who would be gin defining my worth through these experiences, 

First as worthless and then as worthy as I severed their needs. The tactile stimulation was pleasurable and this was love at 7 years old this kind of tactile stimulation was not the violence  that it was but love, that is what tactile stimulation is an expression of. This is betrayal. This is loss. This I fought.

I wanted the adults t stick up for and protect me.  Fight for me as they were supposed to do.  All the lessons they taught me stay away from stranger, to tell on them. Well stay away from stingers?  Why? They would have been safer than you.

So, I dozed for a minute. Maybe longer.  I awoke, came to whatever. I walked out fully prepared to tell my grandmother again even though she almost killed me when I was 4 and tell her and call emergency. I think I was actually prepared yes that was it call the police, a hospital, someone. I remember now, I was gonna get up early enough get to the phone in that limited amount of time when no one was out of bed but not yet awake, and it was my job to stay up until that moment. So I could get to the phone and the yellow pages with no one in between me and the phone and the yellow pages.. The phone was on the counter next to the dining table. This process of writing is funny as I go through it more details are remembered. I was trying to get to the phone to stay up until it was light but before anyone else was up .It was imperative I get to the phone and the yellow pages.  When I would  have a clear path to the phone with no one in between me, the phone, and the yellow pages . Quietly and quickly get to the yellow pages. That is why I needed the morning light.  I had little time. A block of time. A window of opportunity to do this, to have enough light to get to the yellow pages and the phone, so I could call someone who could help. The police and then a doctor, a hospital, and the fire department and at 7 years old the army maybe. If I could just get to that phone and the yellow pages when there was light but no one else was awake, I could save myself and report this nasty thing that he did to me, that I did not want. I knew I could find someone. I was smart enough I could read I could read the yellow pages. I could find someone I could call. I could be quiet and then, who cares if they woke up, after that because help would be on the way. In bed this was my plan, and it was a good one. It would work, and I would be safe. I could beat them. I could save myself.  I could be safe.

So I relaxed and fell asleep. When I woke I went out of the room to the phone, but my path was not clear. I was greeted with grandma at the table and my sister asking if I wanted some coffee. In her cheery little girl morning voice, “do you want some coffee?” Grandma had never given us coffee. My sister was 6 and I was 7. Coffee?  NO I don’t want coffee went through my mind.  I want you to get out of the way, and I know I can make it to the phone. I know I can look up in the yellow pages. Problem is she will ask me what I am looking up, before I can dial. If I can dial and tell them what happened I will be safe. If she asks me before I tell them on the other end of the phone, I’m dead; I’m caught I will be suffocated again. I can do it. But now this coffee thing. No I don’t want coffee.  I’m on a life or death mission. And as I walk toward them scanning looking for the path to the phone how do I get grandma to go outside so I can make the call?
 I’m half way to the phone walking now I … can do it. I can get there. I can do this. Then half way to the kitchen in that space between the living room and kitchen where they had remodeled, knocked the wall out, it starts, and I stop with my sister’s voice in my ear, do you want some coffee?

Like a wave it starts the amnesia mechanism. I try to hold it back oh no not this. I am forgetting. No not this time I remember. The wave of  images that would later become flashbacks, of feelings fear betrayal, anger, terror, shame. The images of what they will do to me if I tell. The memory, the feelings of being helpless and suffocated when I was 4,  the actual experience of them doing  to me what they said they would do if I talked. All of these all coming up at once, like a wave bigger than my mind. Rolling. I cannot hold them back. I cannot hold back the wave, as it washes over my mind, as it washes the memories of the night before clean.  Quick think of something. Hold it back. Get safe. I clench my fists, and I say I will never be like them. I will never drink coffee. With all my might I hold it back with these two thoughts all that I can hold onto all that I can save from the tidal wave of images and emotions that wipe the one memory I want to hold onto clean.

I do not drink coffee until I am 40 years old and start to remember. Oh how they loved and raved about their coffee. After I had the scent memory, the one that triggered the other memories. After this and I began to write about experiences, only then did I pick up a cup of coffee.


Friday, January 10, 2014

I Tiger (Revisited)

I Tiger (Revisited) 
Ode to Anger

I'm a tiger look at me
I use my imagination to process this anger
at reality
You walk by old and grey supple no more
It is not back in the day though the anger remains to be processed 
full grown now with claws and teeth
you would never get away with reality
Grrr subdued
Grrr from the tree
I tiger I leap now to strike
claws out teeth beared
What is anger what is anger WHAT IS  ANGER
I am anger I am anger I AM ANGER
In the air toward you now I mumble the primal predator’s prayer
I forgive thee
I strike my claws tear you flesh wrinkled and old
it does not matter it is you
clawing through the flesh
supple no more with age
that primal hunger you instilled 
the hunger wins out over forgiveness 
as some sort of hunger drove you to do what you do
HUNGER for truth
HUNGER to stand up
this hunger has always been with me
I forgive thee ... as I rip into your flesh
saber tooth
no regrets 
the truth into the light always wins always wins
no thought of revenge no just right and wrong
the tiger lives fed by the truth
anger instinct not secondary  but primal drives this hunger for  the truth to which the mind constantly gravitates 
not revenge
the justice of the animal world
I tear you flesh once foisted upon me against my will
to eat me
kill or be killed
the hunger of anger must be satisfied
better to write than to act
I rip that flesh that betrayed me smaller I was
can't you see it is me
the me you could not kill
nor hide
nor destroy 
the me you betrayed you thought you left behind
left for dead buried alive
I live
I tiger
I rip the flesh and spit it out
the huger must be fed
the anger satisfied
I rip and tear and claw and spit out each bite
the hunger must be fed
Now I tiger

now I man

I bath in your blood
you warm blood covers and arouses me
I sit bathed in your warm blood 
penis erect
satisfying the primal hunger with no sexual release
ever erect
as I look at the pieces of you ... 
scattered thus
I am satisfied
Now pick them up 
make yourself whole
for in reality 
this is what you did to me!
I tiger 
I eachu

copyright 2014 FredCelio

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Archbishop Chaput Defends his Decision to Bail out a "Priest" who supports Childhood Sexual Abuse. (press release and my response)

Archbishop Charles Chaput


222 North Seventeenth Street ● Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19103-1299

For Immediate Release                                                                                                   Contact:Kenneth A. Gavin
January 3, 2014                                                                                                   Director of Communications
                                                                                                                                                215-587-3747 (office)
                                                                                                                                                610-291-0838 (cell)              


Dear friends in Christ,

On December 26, Pennsylvania's Superior Court unanimously reversed the 2012 conviction of Msgr. William Lynn on a charge of endangering the welfare of children.  At my direction, the Archdiocese has provided 10 percent of Msgr. Lynn's bail – $25,000 – to assist his release from prison.  Msgr. Lynn is free but constrained by a number of court restrictions pending an appeal of the reversal by civil authorities to the commonwealth's Supreme Court. 

Msgr. Lynn remains on administrative leave.  As such, he may not function publicly as a priest. 

The Superior Court ruling does not vindicate Msgr. Lynn's past decisions.  Nor does it absolve the Archdiocese from deeply flawed thinking and actions in the past that resulted in bitter suffering for victims of sexual abuse and their families.  Above all, it does not and cannot erase the Archdiocese's duty to help survivors heal.  We remain committed to that healing – now and in the future.

For the past three years the Archdiocese has worked vigorously to reform the way it protects the children and families it serves.  New policies and procedures, new standards of ministerial behavior, new Archdiocesan Review Board members, mandated reporter training for thousands of volunteers, clergy and staff: All these things are a matter of public record.  Throughout the trial of Msgr. Lynn, the Archdiocese cooperated fully and honestly with law enforcement and the court.  And that cooperation will continue, whatever the final outcome of Msgr. Lynn's case.  We cannot change the past.  But we can and will do everything in our power to prevent it from being repeated.

I understand and accept the anger felt toward the Archdiocese by many of our people and priests, as well as the general public, for the ugly events of the past decade.  Only time and a record of honest conversion by the Archdiocese can change that.  Msgr. Lynn has already spent 18 months in prison on a conviction which Pennsylvania's state appellate court has reversed – unanimously – as “fundamentally flawed.”  This reversal is not a matter of technicalities but of legal substance.  That is made very clear in the text of the Superior Court's decision.
Msgr. Lynn presents no danger to anyone.  He poses no flight risk.  The funding for his bail has been taken from no parish, school or ministry resources, impacts no ongoing work of the Church and will be returned when the terms of bail are completed.  Nor does it diminish in any way our determination to root out the possibility of sexual abuse from the life of our local Church.

As a result, I believe that assisting Msgr. Lynn's family and attorney with resources for his bail is both reasonable and just.  We have acted accordingly.

Sincerely yours in Jesus Christ,
+Charles J. Chaput, O.F.M. Cap.
Archbishop of Philadelphia

My Response:

Your Excellency,
As a survivor, I know that childhood sexual abuse is evil. It is an act of violence against a child that takes a sexual form. It is not pedophilia. It is not steeped in homosexuality. This is the language and perspective of the perpetrator. It represents and ontological perspective that must change. The change must be the perspective of the survivor with focus on the survivor. There is no understanding the perpetrator -- what motivates them how they "get off." Childhood sexual abuse is profound evil. It is a staple of satanic ritual. It is an evil as profound as abortion. In abortion the child is murdered in the womb. With CSA the child is buried alive. Tacit support for and tolerance of it has no place in the Church that Jesus came to found. Jesus Himself prophesied this scandal and showed us how to properly relate to it. He defined the ontological perspective.

1 At *that hour the disciples came to Jesus, saying: Who, thinkest thou, is the greater in the kingdom of heaven?

2 *And Jesus calling unto him a little child, set him in the midst of them,

3 And said: Amen I say unto you, *unless you be converted, and become as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, he is the greater in the kingdom of heaven.

5 And he that shall receive one such little child in my name, receiveth me.

6 *But he that shall scandalize one of these little ones that believe in me, it were better for him that a mill-stone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

7 Wo to the world because of scandals.

For it must needs be that scandals come: but nevertheless wo to that man by whom the scandal cometh.

8 *And if thy hand or thy foot scandalize thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee. It is better for thee to enter into life maimed or lame, than having two hands or two feet, to be cast into everlasting fire.

9 And if thy eye scandalize thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee. It is better for thee with one eye to enter into life, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.

10 Take heed that you despise not one of these little ones: for I say to you, *that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.

Whenever I hear of an evil man who would take a collar and a cassock in order to do evil to children or protect those who do such evil. I am reminded of the vast majority of our priests holy men who labor in relative obscurity performing prodigious works of charity and love. Men who's ability to do good is surpassed only by their ability to hide the good they do. Their treasure is not of this earth but stored up in heaven. There are many I have known. I shall mention two of those who have gone to heaven, while not mentioning those who are still with us, because I know they would ant it that way.

One such priest was Fr. Leo McAlister. I knew him when he was at our Lady of the Assumption parish in Sacramento Ca. I met him and was able to speak with him privately. He had the most amazing ability to explain at daily Mass the gospel reading in full and make it relevant for today, and he did it in 5 minutes off the cuff as it seemed, because that is the way he lived. At his funeral people were amazed at the prodigious works of charity he did throughout his years as a simple and humble parish priest. I am certain that not all that he did was revealed and remains known only to God and the recipients of his faith in action.

The other was Monsignor O'Brien. Monsignor O'Brien was the pastor of my parish where I went to Catholic school while I was being sexually abused by the adults whom I was completely dependent on for everything worldly and from whom I had a right to expect love, devotion and care. What I got was sexual abuse. until I was made into something no child should ever have to experience. I became a seasoned vetern of sex at 9 years old. A sexually experienced child. A hideous feeling of betray, and worthlessness coupled with a worthiness defined by my sexual value. It was a long evolution from sexual innocence a virgin until 4 years old to a seasoned veteran at 9.

I ran from the experience and the feelings. I never wanted this did not choose it and it is so far from who I truly am. My self and ego(the seat of my hopes dreams and aspirations) the very me of me the me that is the image and likeness of God had been corrupted by my abusers. Ick Ick Ick.

Monsignor O'brien from Our Lady of Perpetual Help parish in Clovis, Ca, put an end to the abuse by speaking boldly and firmly the truth to the adults charged with my care. He was not able he did not live long enough to administer or to see that healing was administered, you know that is rightly the perpetrators job. A genuine hero in a small and yet great way.

I remember during this time the many times he called on me to serve Mass, as a child I did not know he was presenting me to God for healing during these Masses and protecting me from the adults.

This Irish Priest who spoke in Brogue, who had the courage to stand up for a child and do what was right regardless of the cost. To me he is hero and a Saint. I remember we had to hold his cassock as he ascended the steps to the alter, his arthritis was so bad he might trip if we did not. I did not really no this then. The pain he must of felt in his legs and in his heart as he had empathy for me the only adult in my life who cared about me, who did not objectify me, who saw Christ in me .as we are all called to do when we see the least among us. We had a xylophone, instead of bells to ring at daily Mass, at those moments at those moments when the miracle was actually taking place, when Jesus came down from heaven when that window opened up that window that only priests can open between heaven and earth when the bread and wine becomes the body and blood of our lord. The most mundane and yet the most spectacular metaphysical event on earth, that which cause angelic choruses in Heaven. and even the angels envy when we partake in the body and blood of our lord. Where simultaneously my angel was looking on the face of the Father. This is who I am, not a sexualized child.

And yet these evil men who would infiltrate our church and put on a collar to commit hideous acts of evil. These evil men not only harm the children but taint the majority of good and saintly priests that are the norm not the exception.
It does not matter what perpetrator say, It does not matter how they present themselves, they are evil by what they do. This is the truth. Perpetrators look wonderful on the outside, what better way to do that than with a collar and a cassock. The transference of emotions: the shame, the guilt, the sense of betrayl, the witlessness, and the worthiness as a sex object these are what befall the child the survivor instead of where it rightly belongs on the perpetrator. Is it any wonder that Jesus who understands all said what he said when he prophesied this very scandal. Is it any wonder that this evil should be a staple of Satanism. Is it any wonder that evil men would chose to hide their evil intent and ambitions with a collar and a cassock. Perpetrators slip and slide away looking perfect on the outside smiling outgoing friendly untainted by shame of their crime. What is this but evil personified.

While most societies have maintained a sense of
taboo regarding incest, in point of fact, the sense
of taboo has not been in committing incest, but
rather in talking about incest, especially by
those who have experienced it.

The perspective the language of perpetration must change. It must change to the perspective and language of the survivor. To the language and perspective of Our Lord and Savior, the very ontology of Christ.

As far as this scandal is concerned and the specific issue at hand of bailing out a priest who would support evil in the very Church that Jesus founded. In other words what would Jesus do?

We have this example from scripture:

Jesus Cleanses the Temple
12And Jesus entered the temple and drove out all those who were buying and selling in the temple, and overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who were selling doves. 13And He said to them, "It is written, 'MY HOUSE SHALL BE CALLED A HOUSE OF PRAYER'; but you are making it a ROBBERS' DEN."…
In other words Your Excellency, protects us, stand with us, gives us safety and refuge in the one place the only place that some of  us can go to get relief and sustenance. In other words Your Excellency cleanse the temple make the kingdom of Heaven/God safe and holy again. Root them out and throw them out with the same passion and love for God as Jesus exhibited when he cleansed the temple. Get rid of these evil men who are attempting to destroy the Church from the inside out. Expose them for the cancerous evil that they are. Make cleansing the temple your top priority.  Make the very kingdom of God/Heaven on earth a safe harbor for survivors not a safe  harbor for perpetrators.
Your Excellency for some reason Our Lord and Savior has put you in this place at this time. Respectfully, I do not think you fully understand the responsibility and the ability to do good or fully what Our Lord is asking. Your words are nice, however your position charges you with action.
Support the survivor not the perpetrator
The time has come to Cleanse the temple.
Throw them out. Don't bail them out!
Pax Christi,
Fred Celio

I recommend the following book
"Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman M.D.

A brief video introduction.

Friday, January 3, 2014

The Church Must be Accountable for Removing Evil from It's Midist

Email thread with the Archdiocese of Philadelphia follows.

Posted without comment.

Fred Celio <>

date: Wed, Jan 1, 2014 at 2:35 PM
subject: Monsignor William Lynn from a survivor of Childhood Sexual abuse

Archbishop Chaput,

Evil men who would put on a collar in order to abuse and those who would protect them or hide the truth or do anything but hand them over to the authorities need to be weeded out not bailed out.
Childhood sexual abuse is a profound evil as evil as abortion.
CSA is a staple of satanic ritual as is human sacrifice of children right here in the USA.
"Monsignor William Lynn's attorneys posted 10-percent of the $250,000 bail, which was set after an appeals court overturned his conviction last week.

The Archdiocese of Philadelphia also "assisted" with providing the bail, spokesman Ken Gavin"

Jesus Prophesied this scandal in Matt 18.

If Monsignor William Lynn is not responsible for the cover up then turn yourself in. Reflect on the whole of Matt 18.

An ontological change must take place within the Church one that supports the survivors 100% not the perpetrators. Turn them over to the authorities. To not do this is to support evil within the Church, to cover up is to support evil within the Church, and it hurts the vast majority of holy men who minister to us all, those men who honor their collar. The ones you are supposed to be leading.

Turn the evil men posing as priests over to the civil authorities. It is as simple and as black and white as this.

Oh, while your at it, reign in Bill Donahue of the Catholic League.

Pax Christi,
Fred Celio

A bit of my own story appears below

btw it was a Catholic Priest Monsignor O'Brien of Our Lady of Perpetual Help Parish in Clovis, Ca who put a stop to my abuse.

to: shepherd <>

date: Wed, Jan 1, 2014 at 3:03 PM
subject: Re: Monsignor William Lynn from a survivor of Childhood Sexual abuse

Archbishop Chaput,

Your Eminence, my apologies for my familiarity of tone in my previous email.

Respectfully Yours,
Fred Celio.

Archbishop Charles Chaput <>
to: Fred Celio <>

date: Wed, Jan 1, 2014 at 3:38 PM
subject: Re: Monsignor William Lynn from a survivor of Childhood Sexual abuse

Fred, the superior court found the Msgr. Lynn did not break the law and that is simply what the bail is about. I am sure that you would want your family to help you in that same way.

I assure you that we spend much more money on helping abuse victims and much more money helping the poor than in helping Msgr. Lynn's family to post bail.

There always needs to be Christina charity on all sides. There is no coverup or anything like that going on here.

God bless you in every way in the new year ahead.


Fred Celio <>
to: Archbishop Charles Chaput <>,,,
"Fr. Paul G" <>

date: Wed, Jan 1, 2014 at 11:58 PM
subject: Re: Monsignor William Lynn from a survivor of Childhood Sexual abuse

Childhood Sexual Abuse is an evil as profound as abortion. One kills a child in the womb. The other buries a child alive.

Archbishop Chaput's (Staff)

Your Eminence, again please forgive my tone of familiarity and the informal form of my email. I do feel I have some legitimate concerns and insight.
Although, I do realize that matters of finance and administration are important,
these were not my reason for originally writing to you.
My concern is with an ontology that pervades regarding abuse, particularly childhood sexual abuse (CSA). Specifically a view that would cause our pastors to as in your response mention abusers or perpetrators and the men who shield them to be mentioned first in your response. This exemplifies a view point that is dominant. One in which the abuser, the perpetrator, receives focus, care and attention that is undeserved.

I am familiar in a general way with the case regarding Monsignor William Lynn. I understand that he is not accused of abuse but of transferring a priest who was accused of CSA without informing the civil authorities. I further understand that the priest that Monsignor Lynn transferred was accused of CSA by two individuals,one of whom received a cash settlement from the Archdiocese. Also, I understand that a lower court convicted Monsignor Lynn for not informing the civil authorities and turn the priest over to them, and that the conviction was over turned by the state appeals court. Further the Philadelphia district attorney according to the media is going to take the case to the next level. I have come to understand, Your Eminence has had no involvement in the wrongdoing. Please accept my apology for my previous implication based on a false assumption on my part. According to the media report I read, these events occurred under the pastoral tenure of Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua.

My concern is with the pervasive view within the Church and society that allows abuse to continue to occur and actually supports and promotes molestation.

This view focuses attention on the perpetrator, the salacious nature of the crime, the sensationalism of the media, punishment or avoiding punishment, and cash settlements to the survivors. To me this is more than an errant view point, it is ontological and reigns within humanity..

The more moral perspective, the more Christ like perspective is one in which the survivor and the trauma they have suffered has the focus, and all other concerns are secondary. This is the Christian ontological perspective and is based on scripture and the Church's unique fulfillment of Christ. If in Christ the old law or testament is fulfilled then it is withing the Church and only within the Church that Christ is fulfilled. . Thus the shift in ontological perspective outlined by Our Lord in Matt 18 must manifest in the Church if the Church is to retain what I have just described.

Some examples of the shift in perspective that I am describing is that Childhood sexual abuse is evil. Not deviant behavior, not morally wrong not illegal activity,not shameful, not even morally reprehensible, but an evil as profoundly evil as abortion. ,Men do not become priests and then somehow are overcome with an inclination to pedophilia which may or may not have previously existed -- this point of view supports the current paradigm that in turn supports abuse by reducing it from what it is -- evil -- to a sexually deviate pre-disposition. Childhood Sexual Abuse is an evil act of violence against a child that takes a sexually form. It is an attempt by the powers of darkness to steal the soul of a child by corrupting the child's image and likeness of Our Lord -- his/her inner self, spirit and EGO (seat of hopes dreams and aspirations created as part of the child by God). You may be tempted here to label me as a crackpot etc. So be it.

I am an incest survivor. Between the ages of 4 and 9 I existed solely for the sexual pleasure of the adults in my life. My maternal grandparents and my parents all sexually abused me multiple times. My healing is based on uncovering the truths I have described above and living in the reality of these truths.

My main therapeutic at this time are meetings of Survivors of Incest Anonymous. As an attending I listen to others which helps me to reflect on my own experiences which I share at these meetings and publicly. By thus remembering and expressing every detail of my own experience, I am able to absorb the truth and thus become whole, that is, heal my inner self and ego that were corrupted by the abuse. These remain intact within the child who existed prior to the abuse. This is the therapeutic in general. It is important to remember that I am not a bad person nor do I have a disorder. I am a normal, moral person of high character, who has experienced abnormal traumatic events.

Thus in Catholic terms my therapeutic is nothing more than exposing the truth to the light.

I can further tell you, while honoring the confidentiality of group members that CSA is a staple of Satanic ritual in the United Sates.

With regard to my family as you mentioned above, no I do not want anything from my family. I have been divorced from my family of origin for 18 months now, and it is going well. My family of origin as is typical presents an image to the outside world of normalcy. I will no longer be a part of this facade which is designed to protect the perpetrators at the expense of the survivors.

They are supported in maintain this perception to the outside world of normalcy by the ontological view point that I have outline that is pervasive. They protect the perpetrator at the expense of the survivor. They do so by hiding the truth, and presenting an image of normalcy to the world. It is this lie that I will no longer participate in.

Again, what I am interested in the Church taking it's leadership role in changing the perceptive that supports the perpetrator at the expense of the survivor.

With regard to Monsignor Lynn, the Church should not be supporting the defense of a man who attempted to hide the wrong doing of evil men who become priests in order to have access to children. Additionally since the court attempted to apply a law retroactively to Monsignor Lynn's actions the appeal by the DA will probably fail. This does not absolve the Church from responsibility. We should hold ourselves to a higher standard.

Acknowledging the evil nature of CSA, the Archdiocese should recognize the wrongdoing of Monsignor Lynn and leave him to the civil authorities, without participating in his defense.

Pax Christ,
Fred Celio

Fred Celio <>
to: Archbishop Charles Chaput <>,,,
"Fr. Paul G" <>

date: Thu, Jan 2, 2014 at 12:09 AM
subject: Re: Monsignor William Lynn from a survivor of Childhood Sexual abuse

Childhood Sexual Abuse is an evil as profound as abortion. One kills a child in the womb. The other buries a child alive.

Archbishop Charles Chaput <>
to: Fred Celio <>

date: Thu, Jan 2, 2014 at 1:09 AM
subject: Re: Monsignor William Lynn from a survivor of Childhood Sexual abuse
Fred, we have to respect every person's human rights and no one should be treated as secondary.
Christian charity and justice demand this. Helping everyone does not undermine anyone.
God Bless you.

Fred Celio <>
to: Archbishop Charles Chaput <>

date: Thu, Jan 2, 2014 at 6:27 AM
subject: Re: Monsignor William Lynn from a survivor of Childhood Sexual abuse

You have no idea what Im talking about do you? No evil men should not be supported. Particularly not in the Church that Jesus founded. You're on the won side, simple enough for you to grasp. Support the survivor not the perpetrators, again have put it in simple enough terms for you!

Pax Christi,

Fred Celio <>
to: Archbishop Charles Chaput <>,,,
"Fr. Paul G" <>

date: Thu, Jan 2, 2014 at 6:45 AM
subject: Re: Monsignor William Lynn from a survivor of Childhood Sexual abuse

It is ridiculous that Protestants would understand this before the office of Your Eminence.

Next time you see the Archbishop or forward this to him ask him this and forward his answer,

Your Eminence, "Who is the greatest in the Kingdom of heaven?" If there were one question I could ask his Eminence that would be it. The diocese and the world await his answer.

I will not lie down
I will not go quietly
I will not submit
I will not roll over
I will not comply
I will not sit down
I will not shut up

Pax Christi,
Fred Celio

God bless you.