EGO IS BAD

Ego holds the seat of the self within.

 It is our very essence.

It is that which is in us and given us by God. Our very essence our very self is expressed within the ego.

Vulnerability is an aspect of self

contained.

The ego is contained within the self. The ego the very essence of self is the seat of hopes, dreams, aspiration, potential – it is what the self wants and is capable of,

containing capabilities and the drive to achieve those capabilities. 

It is the self’s fondest desires.  

While the ego may distort reality for a time due to vulnerability, the fragile nature of the ego. This distortion is born of abuse -- begotten by it. The distortion protects the ego. It protects the small vulnerable emerging self from realities that are more than harsh, but terrifying, confusing and hideous.  Too much for the emerging self and ego of childhood to endure.

While reality is distorted for it's protection the ego continues to grow and be nurtured by the self via a mysterious mechanism designed by God that defies science. The vulnerability the protection the distortion of reality allows this growth to continue. The growth itself continues, but the distortion fed by intense and depth of feeling can be invoked by incidents, and other protective mechanisms designed to protect the emerging ego when in fact it does not need the protective mechanisms. This phenomenon is an aspect of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, it is a symptom of the syndrome. Additionally, that which remains hidden is struggling to emerge into the consciousness of self and be acknowledged. This can also produce a distortion of reality.

There are those who would reduce these machinations to mere chemistry. A chemistry which they do not yet understand, and yet tout as reality.  But how it works is not understood. To thus tout what they do not understand, those who believe such things distort reality and their own egos.

Ego is often associated with false pride essential to this is a lack of humility in it's full sense of the word. Both the reduction of the ego to the ephemeral and the expansion of the ego as the king of the material realm. One example of this is the history of psychiatry. Now they prescribe "medicine" designed to quite and indeed sequester the ego of others so that they may profit and so that they and us will not be disturbed by the reality of cause.  They prescribe "medicine" the actual effects of which they do not understand, yet they ascribe their ability to "heal" a metaphor for this quietness to the most complex and fine chemical and electrical interactions which they are light years away from truly understanding and which are themselves -- the chemical and electrical interactions -- as unique as the God given egos. This tendency to aggrandizement and profiteering by supposed healers, itself a distortion of the ego, leads to atrocities -- abuse. The most recent examples of which are giving high powered amphetamines to children because of their over active minds and imaginations (ADHD) -- to keep them quite. So as not to disturb whatever it is that goes on in our classrooms these days that is metaphorically called education. They also prescribe anti-depressants that cause those who take them to actually be more depressed and commit suicide. They have advanced in their profiteering techniques from drilling holes in peoples skulls to let out the evil spirits, electro shock therapy and lobotomies (because after all they were convinced they knew just how the brain worked organically).

So now they prescribe "medicine" that they don't understand, ascribe their effects to elector chemistry that they don't understand and profit from

 "healing."

This is the false pride

this distortion of reality that many attribute to the word "ego."

As the history of societies has always been to wage war on the unique, the creative, the individual.

Then there are the "free" ism fellowships that also wage war on the ego in it's true sense. They attribute to the ego a pejorative context that is associated with false pride that is not at all inherent, but this false pride is itself a distortion of self.  The same type of distortion that inhibits the flowering of the ego into self-actualization the self actualization that is the happiness for which the ego was created.  This false pride who’s purpose is to deny the ego of others is itself  the very lack of humility that is said to be the problem. False pride both aggrandizes the ego and inhibits it.  In conjunction with pop-psychology, which supports them, these free “ism” fellowships wage war on the self, the ego, the survivor, and provide aid and comfort to perpetrators who’s singleness of purpose is to destroy the self and egos of others.

 But all of the above are the distortions of the ego to cover for vulnerability which through their pride they deny.  As they (and they here means any and all perpetrators and any and all persons, principles or institutions that support them by denying the flowering of the ego) attempt to smash in favor of conformity the ego -- the seat of individualism, the essence of self, hopes aspirations, dreams, and creativity. This is the essence of the false ego the very thing that they say  is evil and wrong and prideful.

For a survivor to buy into to this without seeing through it is defeat. It is the victory of the perpetrators. It is this very ego that the perpetrators attempted to destroy. But they will not succeed. For within the ego is also determination and the will of self-expression. The very perseverance that shouts "no, I will not sit down, I will not shut up, I will not listen to this drivel and not call it drivel.  I will not provide a safe haven for perpetrators.  I will not go quietly.  I exist.  I am true. I am genuine. I am unique. I think therefore I am.  I am determined to remember, to speak, to be heard, and to heal!

This is the ego unfettered and it is given by God and it is good. And you will not kill it with your distortion of reality.  Pax Christi.

yada yada yada Melody Beatie.  Robin Norwood all over the place.  F*** 'em

Mother's Day Card

Mother's Day Card

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers.

I have no reference point for this sort of thing

Mom Apple pie cookies these things allude me 

the emotions evoked by the very word are not part of my direct experience.

Oh, I have movies and books and poetry and the experience of others

but the woman referred to as mom broke those ties and that relationship long ago

An so on this Mother's Day 2012 

I return to you mom

the gifts you have given me

The gifts of pain and shame and guilt and blame

the gift of self doubt of low self-esteem

the gift of those things I might have achieved if not for you

The gift of hideous, grotesque memories of 

unspeakable acts that you perpetrated upon your children

the secrets designed to save yourself and the family reputation at the price of

your children, whom above all else you were charged with putting first protecting

and defending

And most especially the gift of blame and responsibility which you so generously gave me when 

I was a child. For it is I to whom you gave the gift of 

responsibility for YOUR criminal behavior

This Mother's day I return that freight bill to you for it is your bill, and I willl pay it

no more.

For these things long repressed by an innocent child to retain his innocence in the sickness that 


so rounded him. 

Valiantly and courageously he pushed through n his own

and now the truth is exposed to the light and with the help of our lord and his mother they have 

been healed.

And so this Mother's day I return to you these gifts of a filed motherhood. for all these rightly

 belong to you the mother not me the innocent child. I will not look for you nor will I cover for you 

anymore.

I retain for myself those things I have overcome and achieved in spite of you.

But there is one which you tried to steal and failed at that one so sweet and beautiful and 

innocent and it has recently emerged, regarding that most important of human relationships. 

Beacuse of God you failed even in stealing that although you tried. And even before the truth 

had emerged when I made the attempt to express my feelings to you you put me down for 

feeling as I do. And at that time I did not know the truth. Now I do and it remans as swetet and 

beautfiful and innocent you have not even tainted it. And yes I am a "school boy" about this 

(giggles) and I love it. My hope and confidence in Our Lord remains for it is true that he does 

not give a gift of one to each other and then take it away. 

And as always it is the truth that sets us free. I stand courageously and if I have to alone with 

God on the truth and not the ideal of mom and apple pie.

So, please take back your gifts which never should have been given to a child.

And rest assured that when you pass, I will not be there. I will however keep the promise I 

made to you. Not because I am such a great Catholic, no because you are so deserving, but 

because Our Lord commands us to love one another. I will offer my sufferings through this 

period in atonement for your deeds, because Our Lord commands that we love one another, 

and that is the only gift I give to you. There is one theft though for which I cannot pay. And that is 


the time you stole from me and those who love me. the time I have had to spend dealing with 

this. 

for this you will have to stand before Our Lord. For I am convinced that this is what he was 

talking about when he said better for them to have a milstone tied around their neck and thrown 

into the sea. For I am not God, and I cannot redeem the time. Time on this earth is a gift from 

God. It is more precious than Gold, more valuable than diamonds and for me to have have to 

figure this out deal with the cross and heal took time. It robbed my time from those I love and 

who love me the joy of time spent with those who I love and love me. I can only move forward 

with the truth and that love that means so much tome me so deep so true I rely on our lord's 

promise that he can redeem the time and that he will not take away so such a beautiful and 

desired gift.


Happy Mother's Day 2012

This Week In Review

This  is an online journal of the week or so.  Two or so weeks ago I had some memories bubble up concerning my Grandfather, or more precisely my incubation's step father. This man who sodomized me at least twice.   Once, when I was 4 years old and then again when I was 7.  At least these are the times I can say for sure.  There may be other incidences, I would be surprised if there were not.  However he did have other children to chose from my brother and two sisters.

The memory that reached the surface first was that of him sodomizing me the actual penetration.  This is important because anything I have amnesia about anything buried in the subconscious has the power to hurt me or in my case cause me to put myself into situations of reliving the trauma.  I do not want to be in these situations.

The physical memory of the actual penetration.  I can remember it even now as I write these words. He came to my bed when I was four and staying with he and my grandmother in Arizona.

My sister was there.  She partially corroborated the experience,  but does not want the memory. So, she continues to deny it in favor of supporting the false family structure that everything is ok.  I for speaking the truth am the out cast. No everyone has the ability to look that deeply and acknowledge the truth.  The healing path I am on  is not something I would wish on anyone.

I was 4 years old and my sister was 3 years old.  I know she witnessed the end of the story, and I think he  grandpa on another night molested her.  Yes that is an image I already had.  This one of his nude body from the back at the place I think where my sister was sleeping came up when I was doing some EMDR work several years ago.

But the memory I had this past two weeks was of the feeling of the penetration at that age. I awakened to it, and I know that the strokes hurt and the between strokes allowed a little relief   But as I was fast asleep when he assaulted me and my defense mechanism is amnesia I am satisfied with the memory the feeling and the knowledge the memory the re-experience of the penetration.  I must have become fully awake as he was molesting me. Being awakened by sexual assault is a terrorizing way to wake up.   Also, there is the terror of the things he whispered in my ear the names he called me and the things he whispered in my ear. It is a testament to my strength  I refuse here to refer to myself in the third person the sanitized little boy and to say that my kid was scared.  I was the one being assaulted in criminal fashion. By a criminal.  The fact that I knew and loved the man enters into it, but it was scary none the less.  I do remember that I remembered  because the next day i told my grandmother of the experience  and was water boarded until I passed out  in reward for my honesty.  Again she was screaming hideous things that I was for relating the experience to her. It was at that point not the original molestation that the amnesia set in.  This amnesia was a mechanism of the mind could be fully.  I cannot now attest it to the workings of the neurological system in a fashion that may have damaged them in the future   this is due to the fact that as I grew I was able to remember do well in studies.  And I have the ability to remember the experience now.  The memories the amnesia locked the memories away in the subconscious. this I cannot say is a physical mechanism but mental.

With the memory of the actual penetration from the sodomy or shortly after bubbled up the emotions from the experience   These were a shame so deep as i have never experienced before. Shame itself is distinct from guilt in severity and the self-loathing as well as the fact that while guilt is associated and a normal response to doing something wrong.  shame and its depth are not associated with doing something wrong but with being it is an emotion of being.  At this age it went to the core of who i am. and it this initial experience is linked to the underlying sense of shame I have had my entire life.  shame is not about doing that is guilt, shame is about being. being hideous and worthless that is shame  and that is my initial reaction into to adulthood to anything any feeling any external stimuli.  I have learned to deal with it and dismiss it in a very quick manner depending on my internal state and the degree to which the external stimulus is guilt provoking.  shame and guilt are linked in kind but about in degree or depth or the object of.  The object of guilt is external. The object of shame is the self. the being.  So this is the source of my shame.

Two weeks later another memory that I was not prepared for came to the level of consciousness. I have known that my mother who shall forever be known as the incubator for many years.  i even had the memory of her molesting me and the neighbor children in the vacant home to ours next door to the house on Buckingham Way 5702 E. Buckingham Way in Fresno, Ca. This occurred when i was nine and marked the final event in the sexual abuse, but not the physical, emotional and verbal. I wonder what would have happened if monseigneur O'Brien had lived. He did put a stop to the abuse and then died shortly thereafter. I wonder if the abuse would have been reported at that time and would have come to light and I would have been able to get some immediate help with the trauma   Anyway that is not what happened the trauma and the memories remained buried in amnesia.

The images I have are of being in the bath and in the bed with my mother as she orally stimulated me stroked my private parts and generally molested me.  I think yes at some point there was actual intercourse with her. Third was generally kind and loving unlike the attacks of my grandfather if such terms can be used to describe the hideous   Actually the were soothing and comforting not kind and loving. If you cannot tell I am all for the precise use of words. As a write words are what are contained on my palate. The emotional memory from this experience are all about my feelings toward the incubator.

These emotions are complex and multilayerd like a ball they are wrapped in warmth.  But it is a warmth not of not of joy and happiness as I would think most people feel towards their mother But a sad hideous warmth layered with betray and loneliness   i cannot completely separate loneliness from betrayed.  I must take a break here as there is terror due to the things whispered in my ear if I talk about these things.  also, there terror that a child feels when he knows he is surrounded by criminals who are trying to teach him right from wrong. Every child wants the adults in his life to be good and sees them that way and if they are not he will blame himself for this this itself creates a degree of shame. Plus if he/she knows it is not true this is terrorizing. I think I shall come back correct this and post it more later.  

Judge Me Not

Do not judge me by your standards. 

Unless your standards include the empathy necessary to transmute the social consciousness to accommodate a restructuring of thought feeling and action.  

Collectively society must go through what we go through as individuals.

If this consciousness raising does not occur within the allotted time, we will most assuredly destroy ourselves. 

This is the great adventure as history unfolds or implodes into the future.  

What is past is present.  

What is future is passed. 

At this specific point in time, it is not me.  

I have been a lightening rod for pain, and with this extraordinary abilities (gifts).  

or as my photo 

I am the blind man aimlessly reaching for any comfort he can grasp. 

Copyright 2013 Fred Celio

If I Ever Loved

"If I ever loved a woman, the more I loved her, the more I wanted to hurt her. Frida was only the most obvious victim of this disgusting trait."  Diego Rivera (1886-1957)

Fred Celio

Time is more valuable than diamonds.  Is it worth more than truth, so many treat it thus ...

If I ever loved a woman hurting her would be the last thing I would want to do.  The more I loved her the less I would want her to be even slightly inconvienced, even for her not having to deal with life's mundane, the less I would want to impinge on who she really is. And yet to be loved back to know the same is like a dream. I trust it to be true.  This is who I am.  

Regardless of what happened to me I have emerged intact this way. And yet there are times when remembering -- the unconscious subconscious drive to know the truth has taken precedence. It  is not what it seems or has been judged to be.  It is a form of rugged, brutal, heartless, no holds barred therapy (similar to the original abusive acts themselves) a descent for the mind through the most hideous terrifying threats to myself and others into the core of the truth of what they did. It is the ultimate form of Christian therapy. Not the form but the result. 

It is a journey through the heart of darkness into that place in the soul where the truth has been kept for safe keeping. If it hurt anyone who loved me in return well then, if you love me you will see it for what it was, not as it looks.  Is it too much to ask? Well it is what I am asking. To see it any other way is a lie. Far from what others have said, Jesus never left my side. Exposing the truth to the light. 

There is no explanation needed for the truth only room for misjudgment. My flaw? I love as deeply as I have been hurt. Any character any virtues any value any knowledge of right from wrong are gifts from God.  I certainly did not get them from TV or the ring in which I "grew up" or more precisely escaped from.

My frustration? I cannot redeem the time. Only God can. It remains an unremitting Juggernaut through this "garden" to the end. 

Copyright 2013 Fred Celio

Love Conquers All

Time like love can only be given.  If the soul is eternal then love is thus in the end it conquers evil.  We know this for remain these three -- faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.  I do not like tears, I do not like them Sam I am.

The woman is in the position of submission, giving all that she is in love.  Ready for love giving all that she is to the beloved in love. Not an easy or simple moment for a person of depth and independence -- a fully human and sensitive being.  The beloved while acknowledging the moment, accepts the love but not the submission, and offers the same -- for that is love.  

The wave washes away the moment for a time.  The wave washes away all for the beloved for a time.  It is not disease, but evil -- it's legacy. Profound evil for that is the only thing that could wash away this moment from the beloved even temporarily. 

The beloved/lover himself, must go into the darkness and slay the evil.  For this he is like love's champion riding the white horse -- although unrecognizable in battle.  What then has the battle wrought?  The slaying of evil sure, but what cost the battle?  Time -- what was lost in Eden -- cannot be slayed or mastered. Time the Juggernaut of reality cannot be kept in a bottle.

Copyright 2013 Fred Celio

Addictions

“The high rate of addictions among incest survivors occurs for two reasons. First, chemical use/abuse/addiction serves a survival purpose. It numbs pain, & creates a sense of aliveness or excitement for one who may feel “dead” inside. Also, each disorder may provide a secondary & specific protection: for instance, fat provides a sense of protection from exposing raw nerves to and unsafe world.” Secret Survivors by E. Sue Blume

This is an older book which I have not read.  I  do have some issues with the quote.   First the term addictions which is metaphorical and used to describe a host of symptoms manifested in the survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA).  Addiction even as metaphor is an inherently pejorative term with stigma. Also when thus defeined these symptoms are then miss interpreted as primary rather than read as sign posts or symptoms of  CSA.  Thus the CSA is ignored.

So many survivors I have observed get caught up in "programs" the purpose of which is to treat the  so called addiction using a behavioralist approach. These 12 step "programs" up shaming and blaming the victim for the symptom or behavior that is not primary and is in fact, when interpreted correctly and particularly when multiple symptoms or "addictions are present, sign posts of CSA.

Often once the "addiction" is overcome the tendency for the survivor of CSA is to remain in such "programs" and celebrate their "recovery."  So the 12 step "programs" provide yet another avenue for the survivor to avoid and deny the real issue of CSA.  Thus these "programs" as well as the miss interpretation for the symptoms or miss diagnosis of the symptoms as primary deny the survivor the process of healing that is really being called out for by the symptoms. The 12 step "recovery programs" become methods of retruamatization for the survivor.

 which remains hidden, since nobody in these "programs" wants to hear about anyway.  Such "fellowships" can also be a safe harbor for perpetrators since "they deserve to overcome their addictions" as well.  Second the description of substance abuse as symptom is flat as well. I have already commented on the dubious quality of labeling substances abuse as "addiction" for the survivor.  Substance abuse can also be a way to remember what has been repressed or denied or uncovering the amnesia. And thus is a form not of self-medication but of self-therapy. Steering the anonymous -- the survivor who does not yet know he/she is a survivor to "programs"  that supposedly provide "recovery" from such addictions without empirical data to back up these claims denies the survivor the right the ability and the mechanism to see the "addiction"  outside the paradigm of the "program".  In addition to the evasion of the real issue the harboring of perpetrators these "recovery programs" can be harmful to the survivor in other ways.  The labeling so prevalent  in these "fellowships" the false hierarchies that develop can be shaming for the survivor.  Also so many survivor having overcome one addiction shuffle off to other 12-step groups to deal with yet another "addiction" that has popped up. Thus the survivor can spend years treating addictions in a never ending shame spiral facilitated by "programs" for which there is no empirical data to support efficacy even of treating the symptom in the first place, and which provides safe harbor for perpetrators who think they are safe sharing their perpetration stories from the very podium. the survivor is indoctrinated to  revere, particularly if the perpetrator is ranked high in the hierarchy of time.  Thus one more time the survivor is discounted and objectified.  What madness is this?  Some fellowships actually encourage behavior that is symptomatic of the survivor of CSA. For example, Narcotics Anonymous  celebrates  honors and encourages sexual promiscuity.  There is really nothing good nor any place in the literature for applying the term addiction to any of the symptoms manifested by the survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  In fact it is harmful to do so.