Tuesday, December 23, 2014
The abuse conditioned me to seek love and self-worth by sexually objectifying myself. At the age of 9 when coincidentally the abuse stopped (4-9 continuous abuse by multiple adult "family" members). So, at the age of 9 my ego, a wonderful gift from God and aspect of my spirit my soul, that part f my soul that is the seat of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations split into two ego-states, parts or selves. 1- the wounded self that part of me that seeks love, affection, attention and self-worth through sexual objectification and submission, 2- the judgmental self that criticizes everything about me from my looks to my abilities. This judgmental self even projects criticism onto others as if it came from them when they had not criticized me at all.
My judgmental part hates my wounded part and will heap on self-criticism to keep woundedness at bay and hidden. My wounded part hates my judgmental self. Judgment seeks to stop woundedness from gaining love and self-worth from submission and sexual objectification (the way I was conditioned to get these things). .Since both are me, I am in conflict both consciously and subconsciously locked in a battle of selves. Since both are me I hate myself, I loath myself.
Although I have learned to compensate and have achieved much in spite of this the battle has raged since I was 9 years old.
The only way out is healing through integration, wholeness by patiently extending my compassion -- my third self or ego state -- and understanding of the abuse ownership of my parts and loving them in the way they crave in the way they were denied love as a child. This must be done patiently throughout each and every day and the experienced logged, until finally all the memories are clear and detailed, all the traumatic emotions at a degree and intensity that are not just out of the norm but off the chart and patiently pieced together and placed into the mosaic that is me, and then patiently loving and absorbing the entire picture the reality of me. Every last detail, emotion, tactile feeling, scent, sound thought and image until all until all the stories are formed and whole and I can absorb them and love my parts totally. As God already does. Loved by my compassionate self that child before 4 years old when I was first raped by my maternal grandfather, and my maternal grandmother attempted to murder me -- the beginning of the hell that was my life as a child, controlled and objectified by the adults in my life who were charged with loving and nurturing me, the very people I had to go to with my "problems" were the ones causing them.
And I will succeed and gathering the fragments and becoming whole the person I was created to be. Thus the abusers the perpetrators the child molesters that were my "family" fail, and I win. But the price? The price is paying a bill that is not mine, the price I pay is paying the consequences of someone else’s actions. I am paying it backward. And I will succeed, and I will continue to out them all.
Merry Christmas to all.
Merry Christmas mom, and kindly go to your grave with the assurance that you failed in every way that a mother possible could, you will be outed in death as you were in life, and I am busy paying the bill you incurred the debt you incurred in this life. I am paying your debt. And when you pass do not forget Jesus has something for you -- a milestone for your neck, and that this has nothing to do with me. It is between you and He. Lord Jesus please have mercy on my mother, trough Christ Our Lord Amen.
original content copyright 2014 Fred Celio
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
"To get over the past, you first have to accept that the past is over. No matter how many times you revisit it, analyze it, regret it, or sweat it…it’s over. It can hurt you no more."— Mandy Hale
Our new book: www.SimpleReminders.info
Another book written to make money for the author with no relevance. It is another of the million ways the survivor is told to just get over it – leave the past in the past. This point of view admonishes the survivor while promoting and comforting the perpetrator.
I will process. I will integrate. I will become whole. I will heal. The past will never be over. It will never be over for my perpetrators in this life. Forgiveness is contra indicated for healing. There is no place they can run to, no place they can hide, as I pay their debt for them.
You would not believe the internal process I had to go through this morning. The process of remembering and connecting the memory to the abuse.
I had to feel a tactile memory – by definition from the past -- with no other connections to other constructs, images, emotions, thoughts, sensory memories. In constructivism as opposed to the failed cognitive theory memories can be repressed via submerging the connections and constructs to the subconscious level while one or a few constructs are left in consciousness with no connections to make sense or form a story from. So, a tactile memory emerging from the subconscious with no other connecters or constructs can drive a person, particularly if the memory is traumatic -- off the chart intensity and duration (chronic) unable to be processed in real time and without assistance.
So there it was a memory coming to consciousness, a flashback of a tactile construct off the chart in intensity and duration with no connectors to other constructs. I had to consciously identify it as a tactile memory, connect it to the other emotional memories of being sexually abused by my mother, and also the thought and image constructs or memories of the same events. These events were the one on one sexual abuse of me by my mother when I was aged 4 to 9. I was able to make the connections between the traumatic tactile feelings and the thoughts emotions and images of the sexual abuse by my mother and observe them from a state of compassion for self. I’d rather have chewed on broken glass. To re-experience this tactile stimulation via memory – flashback -- usually leads to reenactment of the abuse which is a behavior that is therapeutic, but is also destructive of self. . Re-enactment is an attempt to understand the abuse on the one hand, but also an attempt to gain my mother’s approval and thus a sense of self
What did I have to do to heal myself and avoid re-enactment of the abuse? Extend to myself compassion, the same compassion I freely lavish on others, but have difficulty extending to myself.
The process of remembering and healing that I experienced today and last week was facilitated through compassionate observation. By observing my woundednes, and the judgment of self that lead to its emergence, I was able to go through the process of making/uncovering the connections between the constructs of tactile memories, emotional memories, thought memories, image memories, and other sensory memories. I was able to heal woundedness a little bit without it taking the focus and entering into self-destructive behavior. Woundedness has one goal to reenact the tactile stimulation. The goals of re-enactment are to understand the abuse, and to seek self-worth through pleasing my mother as if I were still the 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 year old child who originally experienced her abuse.
I had just gone through this process for the third time in two weeks, when I came upon this inane and discountive post.
When will the cognitive theory be seen for what it is, a failed theory based on an inaccurate model of the human mind that chauvinistically attempts to set thought over emotions and thus repress those emotions. Leaving the past in the past is a cognitive process that is a method of repression – a pushing away. Repression is mental illness not mental health.
“Recovery from childhood trauma involves owning the experiences we have disowned. It includes owning parts of ourselves that we continue to want to push away. This is a painful process because it means that we will need to embrace painful realities. Everything in us (and often around us) tells us that this is not the right path to take. But it is always truth, no matter how painful, that frees us. Embracing our life experiences and their ongoing impact on us is the path to freedom and wholeness.” – Juanita Ryan