Friday, February 27, 2015
As human beings and survivors we feel emotions. As for myself I have spent a lifetime trying ignore how I felt, instead of embracing what I felt and takening the emotions back to the abuse experiences. And not even this is my fault because I did not at the level of consciousness even know what they did to me. to be like being on fire ... on the inside. Oddly as I embrace my emotions some considered by many to be negative they ebbed and flowed and eventually disparate became a part of my experience connected to their cause. I have come a long way and am now able to differentiate that ball of emotions from myself and to differentiate some of the different emotions that are balled up and on fire and that were burning me to a crisp inside out.
Anxiety in anticipation of new situations is perfectly normal for me as a survivor it appears every Tuesday in anticipation of meeting with my therapist. I have been conditioned to associate closeness with having the rug pulled out from under me, by a childhood surrounded by adults that everyone in society told me should have been trust worthy and they were not they were perpetrators. They took my childlike trust supported by their societal roles and stomped all over it leaving me alone hurt betrayed and bewildered.. The so called negative emotions I experience are all perfectly normal and traceable to what they did to me. and perfectly normal -- I am not diseased, mentally ill, disordered or dysfunctional everything even the crushing symptoms and the consequences are not my fault. They my family my perpetrators are 100% to blame for all of it. As a survivor I pay the debt they incurred, This is how I heal, by realizing the truth living in reality and reclaiming they autonomy they tried to steal. Forgiveness doesn't enter into it . Forgiveness is canceling the debt they incurred. In order to heal I cannot cancel it I must pay it in full. I am the normal one; they are the abnormal evil ones. I am the one that is more than normal I am truly awesome a warrior for myself and others, heck they even tried to kill me and failed, they are the failures I am the success. Sometimes I shout it, I am normal, I have reacted in a way that is perfectly normal given what they did to me. I hurt, I am normal!. My very pain is proof that I am normal -- not sick diseased disordered or dysfunctional in any way. It hurts I AM NORMAL!
I was the subject of their profound abuse, and yet I live, know the truth speak the truth and live in reality I survive, they failed.
It helps me to remember and I use the term YOU rhetorically here for anyone who would try to suggest that I am other than normal or doing it wrong -- IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK; ALL THAT MATTERS IS WHAT THEY DID TO ME! This is autonomy, this is survival -- this is healing.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
One activity I found helpful was to intentionally set aside some time on a regular basis to prayerfully listen to what was going on inside me. I would often begin by inviting God’s loving Spirit to provide the guidance, courage, humility and grace I needed. And I would invite God to simply show me whatever I needed to see. Then I would wait quietly.
After a few minutes of quiet, I would journal whatever came to me in this time of quiet, whether it was a painful memory or a sense of God’s presence or complete silence. I would also try to stay alert to whatever else might come to me throughout the day. I would journal about whatever I sensed I was being shown, even when it was painful to do so.
Write whatever comes to mind
Today was a difficult yet fruitful day. The fruit was at the end and the pain was at the beginning. I awaken as I most often do with constant self-criticism. Criticism in the form of emotion, shame, fear betrayal – how can you say and believe these things about your own family, your going to get fired nobody loves you you are a loser. I hate you. Who hates me? Me. The judge hates the wounded self and does its best to express this self-hatred through constant criticism and doubt and fear of losing everything because that is what you deserve you sexually experienced child. Nothing about not blaming self just constant self blame. Projecting criticism as if it is coming from my boss and those I don’t even know. You are not good enough why try you are not fooling anyone. Give up give up give up you fool. This weekend I realized another part. One of the first I identified. The adult me that was born from the abuse. The one that tries to please by being something I’m not. The good straight laced man who is void of creativity and joy.
Self-criticism constant in the morning did not give way save briefly as I realized that IU was more than competent at work. Then I realized that the whole of my life has been a song of grief and that I am only starting to live now.
Criticism was projected as if it were coming from my boss even though and after he called to tell me I was doing a good job.
It was therapy day. My second session with a clinical psychologist a trauma specialist, I have hired for emdr. We have not gotten to the emdr yet and I am anxious to get started.
In the office still getting to know each other, he wants me to feel safe before we start the emdr the trauma work. I am not safe, I am not self-actualizing, but he doesn’t know this he seems smarter than most and stands up for himself too. He is able to do this without diminishing me.
There and in fornt of him I extended genuine compassion to woundednes. I wonder if on my own with God I have gone as far as I can. I talked about how much I hate woundedness the seat of those feelings of being a sexually experienced child this whole group of emotions that used to remain balled up undifferentiated inside me like a ball of fire like being on fire on the inside. Now is free and to a degree differentiated these are the feelings of the wounded child part ego state this is the very nature the self of woundedness what they did to me although the judge is also born from their evil abuse. I realized that woundedness is a part of me that split off at 10 years old split by the power of criticism pushed deep inside of me the emotions the images the memories all the constructs of the wounded child that neesds to be healed. Needs to be healed and deserves the best healing available, hence the compassion. Woundedness as well as the judge hates its very being although it was not born of God but of the perpetrators it hates their evil and what they did and its very being. But acknowledgment is compassion Acknowledging the reality of this sexually experienced 9 yeAR OLD WITHOUT THE JUDGE THIS IS COMPASION. He will be free to leave once the woundeness is completely remembered felt and integrated not through a cognitive process of repression although the pushing in side the pushing away the compartmentalization via criticism of woundedness of self was quite ingenious for a then 10 year old boy. Sleeping with the next door neighbor best friend who had moved into the vacant house next door the one with the garage the one in which the woman who bore me molested me my brother and two sisters and four neighbor children ranging in age from 9 to 5.
I also remembered in therapy today about going to my gradparents and how they were so revered in our family and yet they were child moplesters. I remember being sent there now and just laying on the bed crying uncontrollably for a long time what a disonace for being someplace that we were all supposed to like to go, why? Because they would molest me. And when I returned home I remembered that ebing sent there and crying on the bed was the norm this wasn’t just a single exception.
It can also be helpful to regularly give voice to our judgmental self, our wounded self and our compassionate self. We can do this by quietly observing, and writing down, what we sense is going on with each of these parts of us. The value of such an exercise is that we begin to clarify internal dynamics and develop a greater sense of choice about what goes on inside. When we give voice to the judgmental self, we begin to hear how harsh we can be with ourselves and others, and where this harshness can lead us. When we give voice to our wounded self, we begin to finally allow this part of ourselves, which has had very little voice, to speak so that this part of us begins to be heard and seen in new ways. And as we give voice to the compassionate part of ourselves, we begin to strengthen a part of ourselves that has been virtually nonexistent.
What is going on with my judgmental self?
Invoked all day. No matter what I did. Almost stooped me from letting my boss know what I was working on. A request he made last Friday. But I gave him a status anyway. I have a lot to do. And all are doable maybe not by everyone but by me. So this is compassion extended to the judgmental part the certain knowledge that I am doing the right thing and can do all this hard stuff, and that I have done it all before. The judge was voiced all the day long, but received comparison via observation ownership and acknowledgement. The straight and square self or part is that self that developes out of the judge by acting according to the judge by takking the judge to heart not by realizing that the criticisms from the judge are untrue unfounded and and designed to at once keep woundedness at bay and again to keep me from becoming my true self from integration healing and wholeness. So while woundeness is a manifestation of the abuse and developed and took control by pushing woundeness away and deep inside in an attempt to heal by denying woundeness and who wouldn’t want to deny such an awful hideous thing, this opoor child why do I feel like thois I don’t want to have sex but if I don’t I will not be loved and if I do I will be loved and esteemed by the most important people and closestest adults to me. Jesus has been healing this from the beginning as I never lost my faith. I have walked away and cook other avenues but never against Jesus the person of God the Son of the trinity. So the [art the disintegration the separateness of woundedness and the Judge were born from the judge strongly pushing away that which I hate childhood sexual abuse and my survivor part the wounded self. The straight self the flat self was born from taking the judge’s criticism to heart. Can you imagine a person like this believing and acting according to the constant criticism.
What is going on with my wounded self?
My wounded self is losing fear of coming out. I think some of this is I am no longer putting up with the abuse from the 12 step cult religion. I am not adding the critics of being an alcoholic / addict and the daily negative self labingng from these groups as well as the abuse systemic. in these fellowships that gives woundedness room to be loved by my deeper inner child before the abuse.
In therapy I was able to remember my gosh aa was actually hindering my healing from csa by allowinf t=for woundeness to emerge due to the extra criticism. That supports the judge this buikld up leads to wundeness coming out not in a safe compassionate way but to seek love and affection the way he was conditioned too.
What is going on with my observant-compassionate self?
He grows stronger with help and a safe place to come out therapy now is very important. Talking about these parts and the abuse with someone who is trained in psychology and not having to battle with 12 steppers everyday is much more conducive to healing it is more painful but real progress is being made,. There is now room for compassion where there was none there compassion is now valued instead of ridiculed. My gosh what did I let these people do to me these 12 steppers.
As we develop a growing awareness of each of these internal states, we do well to develop a growing awareness also of the dynamics between these three parts of ourselves. We might ask ourselves from time to time some of the following questions.
What happens when the judge is in charge?
Judgement constant critcism even projecting criticism as if it comes from oter swhen they have not criticized me at all. This inhibits me it casues me to hesitate it casues me to do things based on getting attention and wel no that I think of it love. Yes recognition for doing my job is also mistaken for love.
It then causes me not to do things because what’s the use anyway they wont be right so I hold back sometimes when I have the answer shame is my first response to everything though I have learned to compensate for this I still have to take the time to compensate.
What happens to our wounded self?
He will try to emrge and seek love in response to the criticsm r he will think I cant do it I will never amount to anything im ugly why try?
What happens to our compassionate self?
Now judgements are a signal for compassion to take the focus to a clue to extend compassion to myself this is a tough and wearisome battle though. As I still the judge still hates woundness and both judgement and woundedness have been stronger than copasion.
And what happens to our behaviors and choices–how we treat ourselves and how we treat others–when the judge is in charge?
I do not give all sometimes I am frozen in the conflict between judgement two types or results of judgement being compelled to stad=nd out and toot my horn and knowing that if I do it will surely hurt me not in the way you think but the fact that I wont stand out at all I will just giove tyhem my bosses readon to criticize me.
What happens when the wounded self is in charge?
I now get quite and compasinte
What happens to the judging part of ourselves?
He now quiets
What happens to the compassionate part of ourselves?
He now is invoked to love and show compasion for woundedness
What happens to our behavior and our choices?
I sit and want to love my woundedness in awe of both what they did to me nd how I have survivied it all I grive for woundedness
What happens when the observing, compassionate self is in charge?
Invoked compassion is an element of grief.
What happens when our wounded self feels heard and loved by this part of ourselves?
A sort of melancholy. Pain the beginning of loving myself
What happens when the judge is also heard and loved by this part of ourselves?
I sit and the judge quiets but I see reality compassion takes the form of grief now . this is a logical stance for compassion to take. Compassionate grief for my wounded part or self.
What happens to our internal world?
Everythign slows down and there is time only for greif this can be a dance between compassion epitomized by grief, woundedness as he recives love through sompainate grief and the judge who also recives the sme compassion and love as compassion tkes control
What happens to our external world of behaviors and interactions with others?I withdraw and don’t do much eternally. The judge sets in and I become motivated by a not being good enough and b criticized into work kest the things o
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
The abuse conditioned me to seek love and self-worth by sexually objectifying myself. At the age of 9 when coincidentally the abuse stopped (4-9 continuous abuse by multiple adult "family" members). So, at the age of 9 my ego, a wonderful gift from God and aspect of my spirit my soul, that part f my soul that is the seat of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations split into two ego-states, parts or selves. 1- the wounded self that part of me that seeks love, affection, attention and self-worth through sexual objectification and submission, 2- the judgmental self that criticizes everything about me from my looks to my abilities. This judgmental self even projects criticism onto others as if it came from them when they had not criticized me at all.
My judgmental part hates my wounded part and will heap on self-criticism to keep woundedness at bay and hidden. My wounded part hates my judgmental self. Judgment seeks to stop woundedness from gaining love and self-worth from submission and sexual objectification (the way I was conditioned to get these things). .Since both are me, I am in conflict both consciously and subconsciously locked in a battle of selves. Since both are me I hate myself, I loath myself.
Although I have learned to compensate and have achieved much in spite of this the battle has raged since I was 9 years old.
The only way out is healing through integration, wholeness by patiently extending my compassion -- my third self or ego state -- and understanding of the abuse ownership of my parts and loving them in the way they crave in the way they were denied love as a child. This must be done patiently throughout each and every day and the experienced logged, until finally all the memories are clear and detailed, all the traumatic emotions at a degree and intensity that are not just out of the norm but off the chart and patiently pieced together and placed into the mosaic that is me, and then patiently loving and absorbing the entire picture the reality of me. Every last detail, emotion, tactile feeling, scent, sound thought and image until all until all the stories are formed and whole and I can absorb them and love my parts totally. As God already does. Loved by my compassionate self that child before 4 years old when I was first raped by my maternal grandfather, and my maternal grandmother attempted to murder me -- the beginning of the hell that was my life as a child, controlled and objectified by the adults in my life who were charged with loving and nurturing me, the very people I had to go to with my "problems" were the ones causing them.
And I will succeed and gathering the fragments and becoming whole the person I was created to be. Thus the abusers the perpetrators the child molesters that were my "family" fail, and I win. But the price? The price is paying a bill that is not mine, the price I pay is paying the consequences of someone else’s actions. I am paying it backward. And I will succeed, and I will continue to out them all.
Merry Christmas to all.
Merry Christmas mom, and kindly go to your grave with the assurance that you failed in every way that a mother possible could, you will be outed in death as you were in life, and I am busy paying the bill you incurred the debt you incurred in this life. I am paying your debt. And when you pass do not forget Jesus has something for you -- a milestone for your neck, and that this has nothing to do with me. It is between you and He. Lord Jesus please have mercy on my mother, trough Christ Our Lord Amen.
original content copyright 2014 Fred Celio