Monday, January 18, 2016

Debbie Hall

Bowie, “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”
I had to learn what a relationship was before I could have a healthy one. Just like in all other areas, I had to learn the truth before I could live in it. I didn’t know that I was just as valuable as everyone else or that the burden of all relationship shouldn’t be on me. I didn’t realize there wasn’t equality in the relationships that I had, just as I didn’t know that there could be equality in relationships since I had not seen an example of it. Darlene Ouimet


Debbie Hall
I cannot believe that I traded her back
For I wife I never loved and who never loved me
I loved her when I did not know what love was and
She loved me
I could not get that through my head
And now I do
She loved me
For that she paid
The fault as for everything until I am healed is that of my perpetrators
Millstone or not
They have a lot to answer for

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Trauma is not Mental Illness it is natural Mental Health

Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery and emotional acceptance of the truth in the individual and unique history of our childhood.” Alice Miller ~Drama of the Gifted Child

The symptoms of Childhood sexual abuse are not mental illness, but perfectly normal reactions to specific things that were done to us by specific people. We would be mentally ill if we did not exhibit the syndrome, PTSS. But there is no ICD code for PTSS.

What is PTSS
Post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS) as opposed to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and the possible emergence of Complex PTSD as a separate DX. I am not disordered, dysfunctional nor mentally ill. My perpetrators were. All I have to do is absorb the totality of the horrible reality that is too hideous even to remember. I prefer PTSS because it puts the onus of disorder on the perpetrators where it belongs. However, the psychiatrists haven' grasped this fully yet. So they list PTSD in the DSM. Remember we are in charge we survivors are the ones who are educating them. Like everything else we must do it even though it is not our fault. You are not alone and you are not to blame.
I have exhibited a series of symptoms that are perfectly normal given what was done to me. As I absorb the reality and put the blame on the perpetrators, whatever method I use EMDR, somatic etc. the symptoms melt away and I become whole, as if the abuse never happened.

Why is this such a long process?
Because the damage is deep and occurred at various stages of development, not in an adult with a fully developed neurological system and psyche. Keep moving forward and avoid avoidance.

Monday, July 27, 2015

The Transformation of Suffering.

In his recent article five Practices for Nurturing Happiness (see describes the general process for healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse (here and throughout this article I use the term Childhood Sexual Abuse which is actually a term from the perpatraors perspective and thus supports perpetration however it is well known. What we are talking about is the raping of a child the assault on a child using what adults consider to me sexual. Childhood sexual abuse is abuse the the child in all it its forms, emotional, physical, spiritual, neglectful etc. it encapsulates all of child abuse and some point soon I will stop using this phrase of perpetration. To raise consciousness language must change. I tend t be prices with my use of words, much like a painter choosing and mixing colors from a palate. If one is casual in their use and understanding of words they may misconstrue or miss what I am saying entirely. On aspect of mediation and mindfulness is the sharpening of the mind -- learn the precis meaning of words and nuance).

There is no greater suffering, there are no greater suffers than those who have survived Childhood Sexual Abuse. For those of you who are not familiar with Thay (

Juanita Ryan

(please see and

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