Home Bath House: For Children
Nothing illustrates the evil nature of my childhood and my
mother’s personal evil as the steam rooms she would set up for orgies with her
own children.
She molested me from the ages of 2 and 9 in her bed and also
in the tub. I was the first born and thus she bathed me alone. During these “baths”
she would stimulate my penis to the point of pain. Next my younger sister was added to these
molest sessions in the tub. She being groomed as I was molested both of us in
the tub with mom undressed. Next, after
my sister was groomed my mother molested me and had me molest my sister which amounted
to tactile oral stimulation, after I was worked up tacitly by mom. All of the
time suffering great physical and emotional pain, as well as, scrambling boundaries
that were due to be forming at that stage of childhood development. My brother
was born next and added to the bath house grooming procedure. Then my youngest
sister was born and added to the tub. After her grooming the children’s bath
house was complete. This is how we bathed. I faced my mother as she stimulated
me, then I was made to stimulate my sister; and my brother would be stimulating
my youngest sister. Always with mom calling us little whores, who were going to
hell.
As I grew older I rebelled and did not want to be part of
this ritual of being objectified by my mother, which is the way she loved us by
objectifying and raping us and having us stimulate each other to satisfy her
evil desires. I was always the last to join and had to be called to be part of
this ritual of rape and abuse which aroused my mother. O these evenings. O
those bath times. After EMDR today I realized that all bath times were like
this bath house but not in San Francisco for gay men only for mom and her kids.
I was the last to come into the bath house, because I didn’t
want to. At the age of 6, 7, 8, and 9 I felt I should be taking my own baths. It
was time for me to develop autonomy, and control over my own body, which I
never had. And I did not want to participate in the orgies that these bathhouse
events always were.
We had a one-bedroom house and mom would gather us all
together for her evil pleasure. I would
protest but to no avail I had to comply.
I started out in the shower bath last. For those of you who don’t know a
shower bath is the bath water rising the drain sealed but instead of the water
running through the spout, it rained from the shower head. On to mom in front
me second as the eldest child, Jemma third facing me as the eldest girl, Mark
and then Gina facing each other. With all of us in the tub you can imagine that
we started out rubbing together and generating our own steam for mom’s
pleasure.
Mom would titillate me first as I developed an early
interest in her breasts (ages 6, 7, 8, and 9), she would “wash” me which
amounted to rubbing me all over with soap with special attention to my nipples
and penis. Thus excited I would then be required to turn to my sister and
stimulate her rubbing nipples touching kissing touching her genitals and
letting her give me oral sex.
I did not enjoy the home bath houses. I was groomed to endure
them from the age of 2. Being first born I was alone with mother for a year. As
she fondled my penis in the tub there was at the start little sexual pleasure and
more pain than titillation. As the grooming continued and as I developed forming sexuality
in my mind and body the moments of pleasure increased as the moments of
physical pain decreased. My sexual rape and objectification by my mother in the
home bath house continued until I was 9 years old and the pleasure/pain ratio
never reached 50/50. There was always
more physical pain than pleasure. Added to the pleasure pain ratio that occurred
that occurred on two developmental planes simultaneously, was that there was never
any release for me. As my mother’s lust and excitement grew, based on her rape
her tactile stimulation of my penis grew, my pain sense of being used and betrayed
and objectification also grew. Since it was my mother spending tie with me and
raping me these physical sensations and emotions my sexual objectification
became associated with love and affections. That is, I was classically
conditioned, starting at a preverbal phase of my development as a child, to
associate over stimulation with no release, pain and sexual rape and
objectification with love for me and affection for me.
I dealt with this cognitive dissonance b dissociating the
memories emotions events and tactile feelings, while constructing the fantasy
of a normal childhood around they few moments I was allowed on my own to play
as other children, army, tinker toys, Legos, coloring. Although these were rare
moments of childhood pleasure I constructed them into an illusion of continuous
reality – a fantasy world with which to repress the dissonance between a real
mother and the sexual predator who gave birth to me and my siblings.
I also cut myself off from my family including siblings. I
never talked much with them or interacted at all and never expressed the love
and affection I felt toward them. This
normal sibling affection was expressed in a distorted fashion during the bath
house orgies. It was during these that I expressed my love and closeness. The distortion and the continuous nature of
the abuse, left me with nothing to express with regard to normal love and compassion
and affection for my siblings. Deep within me where the unmolested compassionate
child that is the real me, the me of me, the me that God created and that my perpetrators
could not steal. This love still exists and is felt, if not expressed.
Copyright Fred Celio 2016
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