Growing Up In An Incest Ring: Raped By My Parents (Part 2)

Last time I wrote about memories unlocked from trauma therapy using EMDR, I went into some of the details of being molested in what I thought was one on one molestation by my mother. My father’s involvement was minimized

After sessions the last two weeks it has become apparent that my father was a full participant. He was involved as much as my mother in both my individual abuse, s well as the rape,  of my brothers and sisters.  

This is how it worked. Mom would pick me out of bed and begin the fondling, which is a polite word for tactile rape.    Children below the age of consent when stripped nude by nude sexually aroused adults are tactiley raped. That is childhood rape, and that is what my mother and father did to me between the ages of 2 and 9, as well as, to my younger brother and two younger sisters. Children blow the age consent, which is 16 in most states can’t give consent. We also have nether developed physically mentally to experience sexuality. Thus it is tactile rape which brings and evil stimulation and arousal to the perpetrators, how in their rape are the only ones engaging their sexuality.  

When I was between the ages of 2 and 4 I was also pre verbal. That mean not only could I not give consent to what was being done to my body, nor mentally and emotionally did I have a sense of what consent was, what sex was and what boundaries are, that I could not verbally express the experience nor did I have the cognitive ability to realize consciously what was being done to me. I experienced the abuse emotionally and physically but could not consciously express the abuse through thought and language.  This lead to cognitive dissonance as a child and repression through dissociation.  It also leads to nonverbal reliving of the abuse experience both as a child and as an adult re-living the abuse experience know as re-enactment at a non-verbal level is robotic – it occurs at uncontrollable times and without free will choice of the abused child.  Therapy coupled with anti-anxiety medicine benzodiazepines, which have a long history of use and effectiveness in combating anxiety are useful for the duration of therapy

So this is how it would work. Mom would call me into her room. I would e told to come into her bed, robotically I complied. She would be stripped naked and then she would strip me. It would always began with conversation because although compliant I was reluctant I would be warned that I would be killed in some heinous way abandoned or she would stop molesting me and pick my brother or sister. This type if warning invoked my protective nature of the smaller children as I was the eldest and felt it better for me to suffer the abuse than they.

After being stripped and coerced in to compliance by violent abusive talk I would be touched all over chest nipples genitals until whew s sufficiently aroused to go down on me or give me oral sex.

Inevitably after a period of this type of over tactile stimulation I would at first be titillated and then in pain, and then my father would come home and join us in bed. I would be told to do the same things to my father that my mother had been doing to me including rubbing his chest licking his nipples and giving him oral sex meaning taking his penis into his mouth.  It was more and more painful and repugnant for me as they became more and more aroused.

Eventually when they were done with me when they were sufficiently aroused. I would be dismissed to go back to my room, as my brother and sisters either lay in bed anxiously or scurried back into their beds as I climbed in to mine, hurt physically and mentally and exhausted.

The exhaustion helped the repression as did the cognitive dissonance of having to go to Catholic school next day, and act as if nothing had happened even though I was called by my parents a little whore who would go to hell.

This was the regular routine of my life during formative years and yet there was more rape and humiliation at the hands of others simultaneously from my mother and maternal grandparents during my life as a child in an incest ring.  

Copyright Fred Celio 2916

Other Blogs by Fred Celio
Childhood: Raped by My Parents

My Initial Incest Experience
My Initial Incest Experience Part 2
The Garage Next Door
A Cup of Coffee
The Second Step in 12 Step Cult Indoctrination: Sexual Assualt At Sober Living Environments, or Clean and Sober Living Homes

Just say No to the 12 Step Cult Religions

I am convinced that deeper research will reveal that people drink to relive the trauma in order to understand the trauma.  Drinking actually blocks out the noise ie everything but the trauma. The noise needs to be blocked out so the trauma can be reenacted that is relived heard, felt, re-experienced.  When abuse occurs at the pre-verbal phase of childhood the reenactment is nonverbal and without cognition as with those who were raped before they had verbal ability and the ability to form cognitions of the abuse experiences.

The use of substances to drown the din of background noise – repression – is not limited to pre-verbal abuse survivors, but is also the reason post verbal survivors use drugs and alcohol. Even post verbal childhood rape victims will use repression techniques such as dissociation to relieve the cognitive dissonance the defines much of the abuse experience. War and hostage survivors may also use drugs and alcohol not to alleviate the pain of the trauma, but again to reduce the din of repression so that the pain can be felt can be remembered. Remember occurs trauma is when individuals experience emotions in a degree and intensity that is of the scale off the chart in terms of experiencing and processing in real time and even in terms of processing without the use of specific trauma technics such as EMDR or somatic healing etc.  One of the ways trauma survivors try to heal themselves is through the use of drugs and alcohol in a non-therapeutic environment. However far from easing the pain this allows the pain to be felt and re-experienced and to be processed It is a form of therapy and could be a reason why many simply grow out of this phase of their lives.

Substance use should not be construed here to mean problematic use nor excessive use or use of excessive amounts, to dull the din that clouds the ability of the mind to focus on the abusive/traumatic experience while relieving the repression mechanisms requires only a moderate use of substances.  Often times this moderate use produces reactions that appear to mimic what the ill-informed have come to associate with heavy or problematic use  in a no, which causes the survivors to be labeled with pejorative terms having social stigmas such as alcoholics or addicts. Nothing could be further from the truth nor more harmful to the healing of trauma survivors. The use of these terms produces shame which the survivor already carries heavy reservoir. Additionally, this causes the survivor to once again negate their own experience and be tracked and treated like alcoholics or addict’s in modern society.

After exhibiting such reliving of the abuse experience many survivors are labeled as alcoholics or addicts but are threatened or coerced into going into treatment or rehab that they have not requested against their denial. These rehabs tend to be based on the 12 step religious cult model predominately as over 90% of rehabs use this inappropriate model. While the ineffectiveness of the 12 step cult religions to deal with substances issues has been well documented in the scientific community in recent years, abuse/trauma survivors are particularly susceptible to the cult value of conformity, surrender of will and objectification through sponsorship and the false social hierarchy that develops in these cults based on clean or sober time. Remember for abuse/trauma survivors drinking and using is therapeutic allowing traumatic emotions to be processed. Because of this complete absence prompted by the 12 step religious cults is impossible and not therapeutic.  This holds true in particular for the pre-verbal trauma survivor who in addition to have built-up heavy fortresses of repression based completely on emotionally scaffolding available at the ages when the abuse occurred. They do not have the coexistence of cognitive abilities to help break through the repression understand the abuse and describe it. Cognition is not available to them for reliving and thus explain verbally and thoughtfully their experiences.  

Additionally, trauma survivors tend to be extremely vulnerable and sensitive and thus easy prey for cults of all kinds. The indoctrination technique practiced by the 12 step cult religions of approaching a survivor at their most vulnerable period and threaten them with death on the one hand if they don’t comply and join the cult, while promising love, care and attention on the other if they do comply and join the cult is merely the next stage in re-enactment or reliving the abuse experience for trauma survivors, that is, it offers the an opportunity to have their needs met if only the comply with the cult indoctrination formula. Even the most resilient of survivors will give in during these vulnerable times with very little persuasive and promotion from the cult indoctrinators.  Survivors at this low poin will do or say or comply with most anything in return for a little companionship and the promise of life long “acceptance.” Once having succumbed to the promotional pressure of the cult whether it be one on one two on one or particularly in a rehab situation where a survivor has already traded their freedom to have their needs met, survivors will jump in wholeheartedly. Some will actually trade freedom and healing for the cult religion particularly if they are part of the 4 – 5% who quit drinking and/or using. Many will not get clean and sober right away and will endure years, decades of emotional, verbal and sexual abuse to finally make it in the cult, being all the more committed to cult concepts and ashamed of themselves because it took them so long not so much to recover but to fit in and thus get IT.

Of course the absence of drinking and using without doing the painful work of remembering and absorbing the abuse will not heal the survivor will leave them minions, children of the cult believing that since their needs are met by the cult that they will survive, and mere survival is enough for a trauma victim.

I hope this short paper will illustrate the insidiousness of the 12 step cult religions that pose as drug and alcohol treatment in the Unties States, as well as reveal the sociability and suffering of some of the most innocent causalities of the war on drugs.  

Copyright Fred Celio 2016


Read More
Raped by My Parents
Systemic Abuse of Alcoholics Anonymous and Other 12 Step Cults
Stanford and Nero-biology
Pete Walker Phil Carnes and The Industry of Survivor Exploitation
The Garage Next Door

Trauma is not Mental Illness it is natural Mental Health

Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery and emotional acceptance of the truth in the individual and unique history of our childhood.” Alice Miller ~Drama of the Gifted Child

The symptoms of Childhood sexual abuse are not mental illness, but perfectly normal reactions to specific things that were done to us by specific people. We would be mentally ill if we did not exhibit the syndrome, PTSS. But since there is no ICD code for PTSS we must endure the label disordered in order to be receive  therapy. 

What is PTSS

Post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS) as opposed to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and the possible emergence of Complex PTSD as a separate DX. I am not disordered, dysfunctional nor mentally ill. My perpetrators were. All I have to do is absorb the totality of the horrible reality that is too hideous even to remember. I prefer PTSS because it puts the onus of disorder on the perpetrators where it belongs. However, the psychiatrists haven' grasped this fully yet. So they list PTSD in the DSM. Remember we are in charge we survivors are the ones who are educating them. Like everything else we must do it even though it is not our fault. 

You are not alone and you are not to blame.

I have exhibited a series of symptoms that are perfectly normal given what was done to me. As I absorb the reality and put the blame on the perpetrators, whatever method I use EMDR, somatic etc. the symptoms melt away and I become whole, as if the abuse never happened.

Why is this such a long process?

Because the damage is deep and occurred at various stages of development, not in an adult with a fully developed neurological system and psyche. Keep moving forward and avoid avoidance.

Pigeon Toed

For Gemma

Pigeon Toed

A little girl shouts her

Silent screams of agony and terror

The world dashes to treat her symptoms

Mindlessly

They suffocate her dreams.

copyright 2014 Fred Celio