Home Bath House: For Children

Home Bath House: For Children

Nothing illustrates the evil nature of my childhood and my mother’s personal evil as the steam rooms she would set up for orgies with her own children.

She molested me from the ages of 2 and 9 in her bed and also in the tub. I was the first born and thus she bathed me alone. During these “baths” she would stimulate my penis to the point of pain.  Next my younger sister was added to these molest sessions in the tub. She being groomed as I was molested both of us in the tub with mom undressed.  Next, after my sister was groomed my mother molested me and had me molest my sister which amounted to tactile oral stimulation, after I was worked up tacitly by mom. All of the time suffering great physical and emotional pain, as well as, scrambling boundaries that were due to be forming at that stage of childhood development. My brother was born next and added to the bath house grooming procedure. Then my youngest sister was born and added to the tub. After her grooming the children’s bath house was complete. This is how we bathed. I faced my mother as she stimulated me, then I was made to stimulate my sister; and my brother would be stimulating my youngest sister. Always with mom calling us little whores, who were going to hell.

As I grew older I rebelled and did not want to be part of this ritual of being objectified by my mother, which is the way she loved us by objectifying and raping us and having us stimulate each other to satisfy her evil desires. I was always the last to join and had to be called to be part of this ritual of rape and abuse which aroused my mother. O these evenings. O those bath times. After EMDR today I realized that all bath times were like this bath house but not in San Francisco for gay men only for mom and her kids.

I was the last to come into the bath house, because I didn’t want to. At the age of 6, 7, 8, and 9 I felt I should be taking my own baths. It was time for me to develop autonomy, and control over my own body, which I never had. And I did not want to participate in the orgies that these bathhouse events always were.  

We had a one-bedroom house and mom would gather us all together for her evil pleasure.   I would protest but to no avail I had to comply.  I started out in the shower bath last. For those of you who don’t know a shower bath is the bath water rising the drain sealed but instead of the water running through the spout, it rained from the shower head. On to mom in front me second as the eldest child, Jemma third facing me as the eldest girl, Mark and then Gina facing each other. With all of us in the tub you can imagine that we started out rubbing together and generating our own steam for mom’s pleasure. 

Mom would titillate me first as I developed an early interest in her breasts (ages 6, 7, 8, and 9), she would “wash” me which amounted to rubbing me all over with soap with special attention to my nipples and penis. Thus excited I would then be required to turn to my sister and stimulate her rubbing nipples touching kissing touching her genitals and letting her give me oral sex.

I did not enjoy the home bath houses. I was groomed to endure them from the age of 2. Being first born I was alone with mother for a year. As she fondled my penis in the tub there was at the start little sexual pleasure and more pain than titillation. As the grooming continued and as I developed forming sexuality in my mind and body the moments of pleasure increased as the moments of physical pain decreased. My sexual rape and objectification by my mother in the home bath house continued until I was 9 years old and the pleasure/pain ratio never reached 50/50.  There was always more physical pain than pleasure. Added to the pleasure pain ratio that occurred that occurred on two developmental planes simultaneously, was that there was never any release for me. As my mother’s lust and excitement grew, based on her rape her tactile stimulation of my penis grew, my pain sense of being used and betrayed and objectification also grew. Since it was my mother spending tie with me and raping me these physical sensations and emotions my sexual objectification became associated with love and affections. That is, I was classically conditioned, starting at a preverbal phase of my development as a child, to associate over stimulation with no release, pain and sexual rape and objectification with love for me and affection for me.

I dealt with this cognitive dissonance b dissociating the memories emotions events and tactile feelings, while constructing the fantasy of a normal childhood around they few moments I was allowed on my own to play as other children, army, tinker toys, Legos, coloring. Although these were rare moments of childhood pleasure I constructed them into an illusion of continuous reality – a fantasy world with which to repress the dissonance between a real mother and the sexual predator who gave birth to me and my siblings.

I also cut myself off from my family including siblings. I never talked much with them or interacted at all and never expressed the love and affection I felt toward them.  This normal sibling affection was expressed in a distorted fashion during the bath house orgies. It was during these that I expressed my love and closeness.  The distortion and the continuous nature of the abuse, left me with nothing to express with regard to normal love and compassion and affection for my siblings. Deep within me where the unmolested compassionate child that is the real me, the me of me, the me that God created and that my perpetrators could not steal. This love still exists and is felt, if not expressed. 

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

Other Blogs by Fred Celio

Growing Up In An Incest Ring: Raped by My Parents Part 2
The Second Step In 12 step Indoctrination Sober Living Environments
Gratitude As Repression
An Abused Child's Prayer

Growing Up In An Incest Ring: Raped By My Parents (Part 2)

Last time I wrote about memories unlocked from trauma therapy using EMDR, I went into some of the details of being molested in what I thought was one on one molestation by my mother. My father’s involvement was minimized

After sessions the last two weeks it has become apparent that my father was a full participant. He was involved as much as my mother in both my individual abuse, s well as the rape,  of my brothers and sisters.  

This is how it worked. Mom would pick me out of bed and begin the fondling, which is a polite word for tactile rape.    Children below the age of consent when stripped nude by nude sexually aroused adults are tactiley raped. That is childhood rape, and that is what my mother and father did to me between the ages of 2 and 9, as well as, to my younger brother and two younger sisters. Children blow the age consent, which is 16 in most states can’t give consent. We also have nether developed physically mentally to experience sexuality. Thus it is tactile rape which brings and evil stimulation and arousal to the perpetrators, how in their rape are the only ones engaging their sexuality.  

When I was between the ages of 2 and 4 I was also pre verbal. That mean not only could I not give consent to what was being done to my body, nor mentally and emotionally did I have a sense of what consent was, what sex was and what boundaries are, that I could not verbally express the experience nor did I have the cognitive ability to realize consciously what was being done to me. I experienced the abuse emotionally and physically but could not consciously express the abuse through thought and language.  This lead to cognitive dissonance as a child and repression through dissociation.  It also leads to nonverbal reliving of the abuse experience both as a child and as an adult re-living the abuse experience know as re-enactment at a non-verbal level is robotic – it occurs at uncontrollable times and without free will choice of the abused child.  Therapy coupled with anti-anxiety medicine benzodiazepines, which have a long history of use and effectiveness in combating anxiety are useful for the duration of therapy

So this is how it would work. Mom would call me into her room. I would e told to come into her bed, robotically I complied. She would be stripped naked and then she would strip me. It would always began with conversation because although compliant I was reluctant I would be warned that I would be killed in some heinous way abandoned or she would stop molesting me and pick my brother or sister. This type if warning invoked my protective nature of the smaller children as I was the eldest and felt it better for me to suffer the abuse than they.

After being stripped and coerced in to compliance by violent abusive talk I would be touched all over chest nipples genitals until whew s sufficiently aroused to go down on me or give me oral sex.

Inevitably after a period of this type of over tactile stimulation I would at first be titillated and then in pain, and then my father would come home and join us in bed. I would be told to do the same things to my father that my mother had been doing to me including rubbing his chest licking his nipples and giving him oral sex meaning taking his penis into his mouth.  It was more and more painful and repugnant for me as they became more and more aroused.

Eventually when they were done with me when they were sufficiently aroused. I would be dismissed to go back to my room, as my brother and sisters either lay in bed anxiously or scurried back into their beds as I climbed in to mine, hurt physically and mentally and exhausted.

The exhaustion helped the repression as did the cognitive dissonance of having to go to Catholic school next day, and act as if nothing had happened even though I was called by my parents a little whore who would go to hell.

This was the regular routine of my life during formative years and yet there was more rape and humiliation at the hands of others simultaneously from my mother and maternal grandparents during my life as a child in an incest ring.  

Copyright Fred Celio 2916

Other Blogs by Fred Celio
Childhood: Raped by My Parents

My Initial Incest Experience
My Initial Incest Experience Part 2
The Garage Next Door
A Cup of Coffee
The Second Step in 12 Step Cult Indoctrination: Sexual Assualt At Sober Living Environments, or Clean and Sober Living Homes

Individual Sexual Abuse – Child Rape – by my mother and father My Formative Years.

After just a few sessions of EMDR and of course a lot of other work. I have been able to remember what I could not remember prior to EMDR and the support of the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. Without these dual aspects of therapy, I could not remember these things let alone tell their story.   

There is no way to ease into the description of such evil inhumanity, so hideous memories that cognitive dissonance would require their dissociation through repression for the organism to continue to exist.

Between the ages of 2 and 9 years, my mother on the occasions that suited her once a month once a week would carry me in from my room to hers. Our house was very small about 900 sq ft. so she did not have to carry me a long distance, and obviously my brothers and sisters knew what was going on, because soon it would be their turn weekly, monthly this interval has not crystalized fro me yet.

Once in her bed my mother would disrobe exposing her naked body to me. This would bring various levels of excitement to me depending on my age from a pure tactile stimulation. The feelings were flavored with a others of tenderness and love or a motherly love and closes ness between the ages from 2 and 4.  Between those ages there was no sexual arousal but feelings of love and closeness mixed with tactile sensations.  By the age of 5 to 9 particularly by age 9 I had become conditioned to associate these events with a nascent sexual arousal for, of all people, my mother.

So I would be taken into my mother’s bed at these ages 2 to 9, she being stimulated by the sight of a child. I really don’t understand this.  I kneeling in bed before her she nude and she stripping me nude no matter how old I was.

I remember at the youngest age of 2 rubbing up against her naked body and the tactile stimulation and the rubbing of my penis against her vagina. I came to associate with love and affection even though it was not love or affection at all. Whets was taking place for my mother was sexual arousal. I could see this by the maniacal look on her face. This was not love but lust stimulated by beholding a young child her own, although I became conditioned to see this objectification of myself as love, because it was the only affection and closeness that I received as a child.

The tactile stimulation itself was much like being tickled but tickled or tacitly stimulated beyond the point of pleasure and well into the realm of pain.

For the survivor this was not childhood sexual abuse; that phrase is from the perpetrators point of view.  It is a part of societies language or ontological perspective that must change if child rape is to stop. The perpetrators are the only ones being sexually aroused or stimulated.  The perpetrators, they are the only ones getting off sexually. As a victim as a child as a survivor, I was just and object to be used as long as she wanted in order to receive whatever thrill it was that she received. Sense I had not matured physically sexually I had no release from this torture there was no end to it for me just rape and pain.  It as if I were a human dildo with feelings.

This rape and pain with no release is another level of woundedness that I wish to run from. These emotions are stating now to be separated from the hideous and frightening emotions that I run from at I when I felt the full impact, hideousness and ugliness of being a sexually experienced child.

Remember being raped by my family, and this was not limited to my mother and father, started when I was pre-verbal – I could not speak or form cognitions in my mind of what was being done to me. 

 When the pre-verbal aspect is considered I the child was left with feelings of closeness love, sexual objectification, pleasing my family by allowing myself, and I thought I had control even though I did not, nut pleasing my family by letting the sexually objectify. “letting them” in fact I had no choice. And yet there was no expression of love, affection its associated emotions or cognitions just torture the torture of trauma and naked bodies and the illusion of self-worth by allowing myself to be sexually objectified.

Dad would often eventually come home and join us in the bed, mom ad I. At the ages to 2 through 4. I would be pinned between them with no means of struggle or escape forced to touch an tactily experience my father’s gentiles.  I would also be naked and pinned between their naked bodies rubbing against them in a hideous intractable tactile stimulation trapped with no escape  which I came to associate with love and affection even though it was only objectification.

Then the oddest thing happened with me as catalyst my parents would cast me aside and begin their own sexual activity between each other.  I was the object of their arousal, thus so that they could in engage in sex. This was my purpose for being born.

As I was left alone at their time I would borough under the blankets often ending at the foot of the bed or sliding off the side onto the floor so I could make my escape into my own room as they tangled in whatever it was that ignited their passion.

This went on weekly, monthly probably sometimes either weekly or monthly but certainly when the urge was upon them   

This was their show I was on an object to them a human dildo of sorts practiced and loved for stimulation but never experiencing human love of a child between mother and father.

As I got older I was used more and more as a participant literally and figuratively between my mother and father. The emotions associated with these sessions were very confusing, First I was pre-verbal so I could not cognate (think) what was going on I only experienced pure emotions. Secondly I was at an age where I had not developed clear boundaries, i.e., I did not know for sure where I began and ended and where my parents began and ended they were still a part or parts of me that were indistinguishable from myself. This is the self that I was supposed to be developing with their help. This is the function of parenthood to help the child develop a sense of self.  Finally, there were these emotions these tactile simulations love, were they affection? No. They were the objectification and the discounting and the blurring of that very self that it was their duty and my expectation for them to help me develop, nurture and grow.  

Complicating my developing sense of self was their own definition of my purpose as both object and catalyst for their sexual pleasure.  I existed to somehow stimulate being responsible for their sexual pleasure and being responsible for driving their own sexual arousal between each other to each other when I had no concept of sex as love or intercourse between a man and a woman as an expression of love.

There in my parents bed I experienced the emotions, tactile, feelings primitive cognition which formed my developing self and which I had to live with repressed through dissociation of the cognitive dissonance presented parents and lovers.  

Of course repression of any kind, for any reason is mental illness not mental health, anyone who attempts or succeeds in repressing emotions for any reason is practicing a form of mental illness whether this is sanctioned by a guru through meditation, an inspirational speaker through the power of positive thinking, bible thumpers who use scripture to negate the love of Christ and His human experience, and the cognitive psychologists themselves, who have come up with numerous methods of repression from CBT to the prescription of psychotropic drugs like SSRIs all designed to make the organism manageable and cover up the hideous truth of human evil that exists in our society – especially in the United states of America.

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

systemic abuse of alcholics anonymous

Systemic Abuse of Alcholics Anonymous and the other 12 step Cult Religions: EMDR and Xanax as treatment for Incest, Childhood Sexual Abuse, and Trauma

I have generalized anxiety disorder with acute panic attacks that can occur for 9 to 14 days where I disappear watch pornography identify with the female role in porno which is very degrading to women, and have a very strong desire to be a shemale prostitute forever, even taking meth I cannot fulfill this . As I have healed in my childhood sexual abuse, which occurred between the ages of 2 and 9 (btw it was a Catholic priest Msg O'Brien at Our Lady of Perpetual Help School in Clovis, Ca who put a stop to the abuse, He is a genuine hero and I believe is representative of the vast majority of priests and not representative of this evil men who would go so far as to go to seminary and put on a collar just to gain access to children.   I have come to associate these disappearances which the program AA beat me over the head with as relapses for years decades really as re-enactment or reliving the abuse experience in order to understand an resolve it not as a drug relapse. . Well I have come to associate them with that wounded part of myself the sexually abused child the sexually experienced child, whom I hate and who I split from at age 10. 

Now split from means dissociated from through repression on a very deep level, remember I hate my wounded self I hate the feeling of being a sexually experienced child therefore I hate myself. so I pushed the wounded self inward as if he did not exist. To do this I formed a judgmental self this is he self that is operative most of the time and constantly criticizes me every second of everyday even going so far as to project criticism as if it is coming from others when in fact they have said or done nothing critical of me. Eventually what happens is after so much of this criticism 4 times a year once a month the wounded self would take the focus leave and seek love and affection the way he was conditioned to via being sexually objectified. two weeks later I would end up in an emergency room either with or without a limo ride from first responders terrified, because that is the end emotion of my sexual abuse. Now since my abuse started at 2 years which is pre-verbal the reliving, the re-enactment is also non verbal. It's thoughts  constant thoughts both trying to seek love by objectifying myself and trying to figure out why I feel like this. 

I would play out the abuse taking the parts in the pornography I was watching trying to understand what they did to me until those things that my abusers told me they would do to be if I talked came to the surface, and I running for safety would end up I an emergence room. First they attributed it to drugs but I learned upon coming to to ask for a psychological worker in the hospital so I could tell the reality of my story which has nothing to do with drugs they are merely a catalyst they make me feel like a sex object that wounded child a sex object. Now with the therapy I'm doing if I break a Xanax jn half and swallow it works really fast and the anxiety disappears I can see reality and process it for what it is can love my self and make it t the next therapy session. You hear in the rooms all the time. I'll get better, my life in the rooms my experience is that things progressively got worse. And I think that is the rule not the exception. You know that is pretty much my story the last 31 years in the rooms trying to figure this out while at the same time fitting in. It just doesn't work. AA is a nightmare that never ends until you break away no matter the pain and the urge to go back (that's cultism). Stay away from the 12 steps they are cult religion that includes all that use the 12 steps AA, NA ... XA and warn other people about this serious cult.

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

gratitude as repression

Debbie Hall

Bowie, “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

I had to learn what a relationship was before I could have a healthy one. Just like in all other areas, I had to learn the truth before I could live in it. I didn’t know that I was just as valuable as everyone else or that the burden of all relationship shouldn’t be on me. I didn’t realize there wasn’t equality in the relationships that I had, just as I didn’t know that there could be equality in relationships since I had not seen an example of it. Darlene Ouimet https://www.facebook.com/emergingfrombroken/?fref=nf

 

Debbie Hall

I cannot believe that I traded her back

For I wife I never loved and who never loved me

I loved her when I did not know what love was and

She loved me

I could not get that through my head

And now I do

She loved me

For that she paid

The fault as for everything until I am healed is that of my perpetrators

Millstone or not

They have a lot to answer for

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

Pay It Backwards

The abuse conditioned me to seek love and self-worth by sexually objectifying myself. At the age of 9 when coincidentally the abuse stopped (2-9 continuous abuse by multiple adult "family" members).  So, at the age of 9 my ego, a wonderful gift from God and aspect of my spirit my soul, that part f my soul that is the seat of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations split into two ego-states, parts or selves. 1- the wounded self that part of me that seeks love, affection, attention and self-worth through sexual objectification and submission, 2- the judgmental self that criticizes everything about me from my looks to my abilities. This judgmental self even projects criticism onto others as if it came from them when they had not criticized me at all.

My judgmental part hates my wounded part and will heap on self-criticism to keep woundedness at bay and hidden. My wounded part hates my judgmental self. Judgment seeks to stop woundedness from gaining love and self-worth from submission and sexual objectification (the way I was conditioned to get these things). .Since both are me, I am in conflict both consciously and subconsciously locked in a battle of selves. Since both are me I hate myself, I loath myself.

Although I have learned to compensate and have achieved much in spite of this the battle has raged since I was 9 years old. 

The only way out is healing through integration, wholeness by patiently extending my compassion -- my third self or ego state -- and understanding of the abuse ownership of my parts and loving them in the way they crave in the way they were denied love as a child. This must be done patiently throughout each and every day and the experienced logged, until finally all the memories are clear and detailed, all the traumatic emotions at a degree and intensity that are not just out of the norm but off the chart and patiently pieced together and placed into the mosaic that is me, and then patiently loving and absorbing the entire picture the reality of me. Every last detail, emotion, tactile feeling, scent, sound thought and image until all until all the stories are formed and whole and I can absorb them and love my parts totally. As God already does.  Loved by my compassionate self that child before 4 years old when I was first raped by my maternal grandfather, and my maternal grandmother attempted to murder me -- the beginning of the hell that was my life as a child, controlled and objectified by the adults in my life who were charged with loving and nurturing me, the very people I had to go to with my "problems" were the ones causing them.

And I will succeed and gathering the fragments and becoming whole the person I was created to be. Thus the abusers the perpetrators the child molesters that were my "family" fail, and I win.  But the price? The price is paying a bill that is not mine, the price I pay is paying the consequences of someone else’s actions. I am paying it backward. And I will succeed, and I will continue to out them all.

Merry Christmas to all. 

Merry Christmas mom, and kindly go to your grave with the assurance that you failed in every way that a mother possible could, you will be outed in death as you were in life, and I am busy paying the bill you incurred the debt you incurred in this life. I am paying your debt. And when you pass do not forget Jesus has something for you -- a milestone for your neck, and that this has nothing to do with me. It is between you and He. Lord Jesus please have mercy on my mother, trough Christ Our Lord Amen.
Pax Christi.

original content copyright 2014 Fred Celio

Daily Prayer That Never Fails

Support The Quica Project

Leave The Past In The Past

SimpleReminders.com

"To get over the past, you first have to accept that the past is over. No matter how many times you revisit it, analyze it, regret it, or sweat it…it’s over. It can hurt you no more."— Mandy Hale

Our new book: www.SimpleReminders.info

Another book written to make money for the author with no relevance. It is another of the million ways the survivor is told to just get over it – leave the past in the past. This point of view admonishes the survivor while promoting and comforting the perpetrator.

I will process. I will integrate. I will become whole. I will heal. The past will never be over. It will never be over for my perpetrators in this life. Forgiveness is contra indicated for healing. There is no place they can run to, no place they can hide, as I pay their debt for them.

You would not believe the internal process I had to go through this morning. The process of remembering and connecting the memory to the abuse.

I had to feel a tactile memory – by definition from the past -- with no other connections to other constructs, images, emotions, thoughts, sensory memories. In constructivism as opposed to the failed cognitive theory memories can be repressed via submerging the connections and constructs to the subconscious level while one or a few constructs are left in consciousness with no connections to make sense or form a story from. So, a tactile memory emerging from the subconscious with no other connecters or constructs can drive a person, particularly if the memory is traumatic -- off the chart intensity and duration (chronic) unable to be  processed in real time and without assistance.

So there it was a memory coming to consciousness, a flashback of a tactile construct off the chart in intensity and duration with no connectors to other constructs.  I had to consciously identify it as a tactile memory, connect it to the other emotional memories of being sexually abused by my mother, and also the thought and image constructs or memories of the same events. These events were the one on one sexual abuse of me by my mother when I was aged 4 to 9. I was able to make the connections between the traumatic tactile feelings and the thoughts emotions and images of the sexual abuse by my mother and observe them from a state of compassion for self. I’d rather have chewed on broken glass. To re-experience this tactile stimulation via memory – flashback -- usually leads to reenactment of the abuse which is a behavior that is therapeutic, but is also destructive of self.   . Re-enactment is an attempt to understand the abuse on the one hand, but also an attempt to gain my mother’s approval and thus a sense of self

What did I have to do to heal myself and avoid re-enactment of the abuse? Extend to myself compassion, the same compassion I freely lavish on others, but have difficulty extending to myself. 

The process of remembering and healing that I experienced today and last week was facilitated through compassionate observation. By observing my woundednes, and the judgment of self that lead to its emergence, I was able to go through the process of making/uncovering the connections between the constructs of tactile memories, emotional memories, thought memories, image memories, and other sensory memories.  I was able to heal woundedness a little bit without it taking the focus and entering into self-destructive behavior. Woundedness has one goal to reenact the tactile stimulation. The goals of re-enactment are to understand the abuse, and to seek self-worth through pleasing my mother as if I were still the 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 year old child who originally experienced her abuse.

I had just gone through this process for the third time in two weeks, when I came upon this inane and discountive post.

When will the cognitive theory be seen for what it is, a failed theory based on an inaccurate model of the human mind that chauvinistically attempts to set thought over emotions and thus repress those emotions.   Leaving the past in the past is a cognitive process that is a method of repression – a pushing away. Repression is mental illness not mental health.

“Recovery from childhood trauma involves owning the experiences we have disowned. It includes owning parts of ourselves that we continue to want to push away. This is a painful process because it means that we will need to embrace painful realities. Everything in us (and often around us) tells us that this is not the right path to take. But it is always truth, no matter how painful, that frees us. Embracing our life experiences and their ongoing impact on us is the path to freedom and wholeness.” – Juanita Ryan

Copyright FredCelio2014

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The Daily Prayer That Never Fails

The Victim Mentality

Matthew 18 Douay-Rheims 1899 American Edition (DRA)

for Kyle

18 At that hour the disciples came to Jesus, saying: Who thinkest thou is the greater in the kingdom of heaven?

2 And Jesus calling unto him a little child, set him in the midst of them,

3 And said: Amen I say to you, unless you be converted, and become as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, he is the greater in the kingdom of heaven.

5 And he that shall receive one such little child in my name, receiveth me.

6 But he that shall scandalize one of these little ones that believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone should be hanged about his neck, and that he should be drowned in the depth of the sea.

7 Woe to the world because of scandals. For it must needs be that scandals come: but nevertheless woe to that man by whom the scandal cometh.

"Recovery from childhood trauma involves owning the experiences we have disowned. It includes owning parts of ourselves that we continue to want to push away. This is a painful process because it means that we will need to embrace painful realities. Everything in us (and often around us) tells us that this is not the right path to take. But it is always truth, no matter how painful, that frees us. Embracing our life experiences and their ongoing impact on us is the path to freedom and wholeness." Juanita Ryan Survivor and Therapist, National Association for Christian Recovery, (http://www.nacr.org/wordpress/37/recovery-from-childhood-abuse)

I no longer adopt a victim mentality, I did that when I admitted powerlessness, and was indoctrinated into the 12 step cult religion which I was steered to by ignorant counselors 29 years ago. I have since deprogrammed. I do not have a victim mentality, I am a victim. There is a difference between being a victim and adopting a victim mentality. One involves choice the other does not.

I am not responsible for my circumstances, my abusers are. I was sexually abused by all the adults around me between the ages of 4 and 9. I did not grow up in a family, I escaped from an incest ring. My mother, my father, my maternal grandmother, and my maternal grandfather all sexually abused me on a continuous basis. In their world, I was born to satisfy their evil desires and pleasures. Desires and pleasures that I do not understand nor do I feel the need to even investigate.  The reason I was born was because of their evil intentions for me. They got together and had me so that they would have a child to sexually abuse.  This is the reality that must be absorbed for me to heal and become whole. To God I was and am a beautiful child and was born for His love and the purpose He has had for me since the beginning of time.

I am not responsible for my circumstances nor the hideous painful healing work that I must do. Both are 100% the responsibility of my abusers. Any other stance is not healing and a form of victim blaming which is self-blaming and I will not do it:  not for you, not for my perpetrators and not for the world. To accept responsibility for my circumstances, to not admit my victimization nor the fact that being a victim, I lacked choice are steps away from healing that I am sure would please the world, but I'm gonna heal.

There is no need for forgiveness to affect my healing.

Forgiveness is canceling a debt, since my healing is dependent on me paying the bill of my perpetrators’ for them, the debt they incurred but accept no responsibility for, forgiveness is contra indicated for healing.  It's their bill, my perpetrator’s, that I must pay in order to heal. To forgive them would mean for me to stop the healing work before it is complete, mouth the words of forgiveness and cancel their remaining debt, thus leaving me unhealed, fragmented, not whole, susceptible to the symptoms of PTSS. The same symptoms that drove me to seek healing 29 years ago. To forgive this kind of evil to cancel this debt before it is paid, would be to deny the work that God did within me when He created me in His image and to His likeness. To forgive them, my perpetrators to leave part of the debt remaining and cancel it would be to allow evil to win. I will facilitate none of these.  

Quit before the debt is paid? I will pay the debt they incurred in full. But it is not my debt.  I will not forgive them, because having paid their debt for them, there will be nothing to forgive. Better for them a millstone be hanged around their necks and they be cast into the sea. But nor will I hang the millstone and do the casting.  That is not my job, and I will pray to the One who’s job it is to judge to show them His divine mercy.

That is the nature of Childhood Sexual Abuse. The world, society must stop blaming we survivors/victims  by inviting us to take responsibility – what a ludicrous statement when juxtaposed against the above. It reveals a world of ignorance. The world must get behind we survivors and get educated in reality and stop spewing nonsensical platitudes as if they had some value.

original material copyrightfredcelio2014

Daily Prayer That Never Fails
   

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