Home Bath House: For Children

Home Bath House: For Children

Nothing illustrates the evil nature of my childhood and my mother’s personal evil as the steam rooms she would set up for orgies with her own children.

She molested me from the ages of 2 and 9 in her bed and also in the tub. I was the first born and thus she bathed me alone. During these “baths” she would stimulate my penis to the point of pain.  Next my younger sister was added to these molest sessions in the tub. She being groomed as I was molested both of us in the tub with mom undressed.  Next, after my sister was groomed my mother molested me and had me molest my sister which amounted to tactile oral stimulation, after I was worked up tacitly by mom. All of the time suffering great physical and emotional pain, as well as, scrambling boundaries that were due to be forming at that stage of childhood development. My brother was born next and added to the bath house grooming procedure. Then my youngest sister was born and added to the tub. After her grooming the children’s bath house was complete. This is how we bathed. I faced my mother as she stimulated me, then I was made to stimulate my sister; and my brother would be stimulating my youngest sister. Always with mom calling us little whores, who were going to hell.

As I grew older I rebelled and did not want to be part of this ritual of being objectified by my mother, which is the way she loved us by objectifying and raping us and having us stimulate each other to satisfy her evil desires. I was always the last to join and had to be called to be part of this ritual of rape and abuse which aroused my mother. O these evenings. O those bath times. After EMDR today I realized that all bath times were like this bath house but not in San Francisco for gay men only for mom and her kids.

I was the last to come into the bath house, because I didn’t want to. At the age of 6, 7, 8, and 9 I felt I should be taking my own baths. It was time for me to develop autonomy, and control over my own body, which I never had. And I did not want to participate in the orgies that these bathhouse events always were.  

We had a one-bedroom house and mom would gather us all together for her evil pleasure.   I would protest but to no avail I had to comply.  I started out in the shower bath last. For those of you who don’t know a shower bath is the bath water rising the drain sealed but instead of the water running through the spout, it rained from the shower head. On to mom in front me second as the eldest child, Jemma third facing me as the eldest girl, Mark and then Gina facing each other. With all of us in the tub you can imagine that we started out rubbing together and generating our own steam for mom’s pleasure. 

Mom would titillate me first as I developed an early interest in her breasts (ages 6, 7, 8, and 9), she would “wash” me which amounted to rubbing me all over with soap with special attention to my nipples and penis. Thus excited I would then be required to turn to my sister and stimulate her rubbing nipples touching kissing touching her genitals and letting her give me oral sex.

I did not enjoy the home bath houses. I was groomed to endure them from the age of 2. Being first born I was alone with mother for a year. As she fondled my penis in the tub there was at the start little sexual pleasure and more pain than titillation. As the grooming continued and as I developed forming sexuality in my mind and body the moments of pleasure increased as the moments of physical pain decreased. My sexual rape and objectification by my mother in the home bath house continued until I was 9 years old and the pleasure/pain ratio never reached 50/50.  There was always more physical pain than pleasure. Added to the pleasure pain ratio that occurred that occurred on two developmental planes simultaneously, was that there was never any release for me. As my mother’s lust and excitement grew, based on her rape her tactile stimulation of my penis grew, my pain sense of being used and betrayed and objectification also grew. Since it was my mother spending tie with me and raping me these physical sensations and emotions my sexual objectification became associated with love and affections. That is, I was classically conditioned, starting at a preverbal phase of my development as a child, to associate over stimulation with no release, pain and sexual rape and objectification with love for me and affection for me.

I dealt with this cognitive dissonance b dissociating the memories emotions events and tactile feelings, while constructing the fantasy of a normal childhood around they few moments I was allowed on my own to play as other children, army, tinker toys, Legos, coloring. Although these were rare moments of childhood pleasure I constructed them into an illusion of continuous reality – a fantasy world with which to repress the dissonance between a real mother and the sexual predator who gave birth to me and my siblings.

I also cut myself off from my family including siblings. I never talked much with them or interacted at all and never expressed the love and affection I felt toward them.  This normal sibling affection was expressed in a distorted fashion during the bath house orgies. It was during these that I expressed my love and closeness.  The distortion and the continuous nature of the abuse, left me with nothing to express with regard to normal love and compassion and affection for my siblings. Deep within me where the unmolested compassionate child that is the real me, the me of me, the me that God created and that my perpetrators could not steal. This love still exists and is felt, if not expressed. 

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

Other Blogs by Fred Celio

Growing Up In An Incest Ring: Raped by My Parents Part 2
The Second Step In 12 step Indoctrination Sober Living Environments
Gratitude As Repression
An Abused Child's Prayer

Just say No to the 12 Step Cult Religions

I am convinced that deeper research will reveal that people drink to relive the trauma in order to understand the trauma.  Drinking actually blocks out the noise ie everything but the trauma. The noise needs to be blocked out so the trauma can be reenacted that is relived heard, felt, re-experienced.  When abuse occurs at the pre-verbal phase of childhood the reenactment is nonverbal and without cognition as with those who were raped before they had verbal ability and the ability to form cognitions of the abuse experiences.

The use of substances to drown the din of background noise – repression – is not limited to pre-verbal abuse survivors, but is also the reason post verbal survivors use drugs and alcohol. Even post verbal childhood rape victims will use repression techniques such as dissociation to relieve the cognitive dissonance the defines much of the abuse experience. War and hostage survivors may also use drugs and alcohol not to alleviate the pain of the trauma, but again to reduce the din of repression so that the pain can be felt can be remembered. Remember occurs trauma is when individuals experience emotions in a degree and intensity that is of the scale off the chart in terms of experiencing and processing in real time and even in terms of processing without the use of specific trauma technics such as EMDR or somatic healing etc.  One of the ways trauma survivors try to heal themselves is through the use of drugs and alcohol in a non-therapeutic environment. However far from easing the pain this allows the pain to be felt and re-experienced and to be processed It is a form of therapy and could be a reason why many simply grow out of this phase of their lives.

Substance use should not be construed here to mean problematic use nor excessive use or use of excessive amounts, to dull the din that clouds the ability of the mind to focus on the abusive/traumatic experience while relieving the repression mechanisms requires only a moderate use of substances.  Often times this moderate use produces reactions that appear to mimic what the ill-informed have come to associate with heavy or problematic use  in a no, which causes the survivors to be labeled with pejorative terms having social stigmas such as alcoholics or addicts. Nothing could be further from the truth nor more harmful to the healing of trauma survivors. The use of these terms produces shame which the survivor already carries heavy reservoir. Additionally, this causes the survivor to once again negate their own experience and be tracked and treated like alcoholics or addict’s in modern society.

After exhibiting such reliving of the abuse experience many survivors are labeled as alcoholics or addicts but are threatened or coerced into going into treatment or rehab that they have not requested against their denial. These rehabs tend to be based on the 12 step religious cult model predominately as over 90% of rehabs use this inappropriate model. While the ineffectiveness of the 12 step cult religions to deal with substances issues has been well documented in the scientific community in recent years, abuse/trauma survivors are particularly susceptible to the cult value of conformity, surrender of will and objectification through sponsorship and the false social hierarchy that develops in these cults based on clean or sober time. Remember for abuse/trauma survivors drinking and using is therapeutic allowing traumatic emotions to be processed. Because of this complete absence prompted by the 12 step religious cults is impossible and not therapeutic.  This holds true in particular for the pre-verbal trauma survivor who in addition to have built-up heavy fortresses of repression based completely on emotionally scaffolding available at the ages when the abuse occurred. They do not have the coexistence of cognitive abilities to help break through the repression understand the abuse and describe it. Cognition is not available to them for reliving and thus explain verbally and thoughtfully their experiences.  

Additionally, trauma survivors tend to be extremely vulnerable and sensitive and thus easy prey for cults of all kinds. The indoctrination technique practiced by the 12 step cult religions of approaching a survivor at their most vulnerable period and threaten them with death on the one hand if they don’t comply and join the cult, while promising love, care and attention on the other if they do comply and join the cult is merely the next stage in re-enactment or reliving the abuse experience for trauma survivors, that is, it offers the an opportunity to have their needs met if only the comply with the cult indoctrination formula. Even the most resilient of survivors will give in during these vulnerable times with very little persuasive and promotion from the cult indoctrinators.  Survivors at this low poin will do or say or comply with most anything in return for a little companionship and the promise of life long “acceptance.” Once having succumbed to the promotional pressure of the cult whether it be one on one two on one or particularly in a rehab situation where a survivor has already traded their freedom to have their needs met, survivors will jump in wholeheartedly. Some will actually trade freedom and healing for the cult religion particularly if they are part of the 4 – 5% who quit drinking and/or using. Many will not get clean and sober right away and will endure years, decades of emotional, verbal and sexual abuse to finally make it in the cult, being all the more committed to cult concepts and ashamed of themselves because it took them so long not so much to recover but to fit in and thus get IT.

Of course the absence of drinking and using without doing the painful work of remembering and absorbing the abuse will not heal the survivor will leave them minions, children of the cult believing that since their needs are met by the cult that they will survive, and mere survival is enough for a trauma victim.

I hope this short paper will illustrate the insidiousness of the 12 step cult religions that pose as drug and alcohol treatment in the Unties States, as well as reveal the sociability and suffering of some of the most innocent causalities of the war on drugs.  

Copyright Fred Celio 2016


Read More
Raped by My Parents
Systemic Abuse of Alcoholics Anonymous and Other 12 Step Cults
Stanford and Nero-biology
Pete Walker Phil Carnes and The Industry of Survivor Exploitation
The Garage Next Door

Systemic Abuse of Alcholics Anonymous and the other 12 step Cult Religions: EMDR and Xanax as treatment for Incest, Childhood Sexual Abuse, and Trauma

I have generalized anxiety disorder with acute panic attacks that can occur for 9 to 14 days where I disappear watch pornography identify with the female role in porno which is very degrading to women, and have a very strong desire to be a shemale prostitute forever, even taking meth I cannot fulfill this . As I have healed in my childhood sexual abuse, which occurred between the ages of 2 and 9 (btw it was a Catholic priest Msg O'Brien at Our Lady of Perpetual Help School in Clovis, Ca who put a stop to the abuse, He is a genuine hero and I believe is representative of the vast majority of priests and not representative of this evil men who would go so far as to go to seminary and put on a collar just to gain access to children.   I have come to associate these disappearances which the program AA beat me over the head with as relapses for years decades really as re-enactment or reliving the abuse experience in order to understand an resolve it not as a drug relapse. . Well I have come to associate them with that wounded part of myself the sexually abused child the sexually experienced child, whom I hate and who I split from at age 10. 

Now split from means dissociated from through repression on a very deep level, remember I hate my wounded self I hate the feeling of being a sexually experienced child therefore I hate myself. so I pushed the wounded self inward as if he did not exist. To do this I formed a judgmental self this is he self that is operative most of the time and constantly criticizes me every second of everyday even going so far as to project criticism as if it is coming from others when in fact they have said or done nothing critical of me. Eventually what happens is after so much of this criticism 4 times a year once a month the wounded self would take the focus leave and seek love and affection the way he was conditioned to via being sexually objectified. two weeks later I would end up in an emergency room either with or without a limo ride from first responders terrified, because that is the end emotion of my sexual abuse. Now since my abuse started at 2 years which is pre-verbal the reliving, the re-enactment is also non verbal. It's thoughts  constant thoughts both trying to seek love by objectifying myself and trying to figure out why I feel like this. 

I would play out the abuse taking the parts in the pornography I was watching trying to understand what they did to me until those things that my abusers told me they would do to be if I talked came to the surface, and I running for safety would end up I an emergence room. First they attributed it to drugs but I learned upon coming to to ask for a psychological worker in the hospital so I could tell the reality of my story which has nothing to do with drugs they are merely a catalyst they make me feel like a sex object that wounded child a sex object. Now with the therapy I'm doing if I break a Xanax jn half and swallow it works really fast and the anxiety disappears I can see reality and process it for what it is can love my self and make it t the next therapy session. You hear in the rooms all the time. I'll get better, my life in the rooms my experience is that things progressively got worse. And I think that is the rule not the exception. You know that is pretty much my story the last 31 years in the rooms trying to figure this out while at the same time fitting in. It just doesn't work. AA is a nightmare that never ends until you break away no matter the pain and the urge to go back (that's cultism). Stay away from the 12 steps they are cult religion that includes all that use the 12 steps AA, NA ... XA and warn other people about this serious cult.

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

gratitude as repression