I
have generalized anxiety disorder with acute panic attacks that can occur for 9
to 14 days where I disappear watch pornography identify with the female role in
porno which is very degrading to women, and have a very strong desire to be a
shemale prostitute forever, even taking meth I cannot
fulfill this . As I have healed in my childhood sexual abuse, which occurred between the ages of 2 and 9 (btw it was a Catholic priest Msg O'Brien at Our Lady of Perpetual Help School in Clovis, Ca who put a stop to the abuse, He is a genuine hero and I believe is representative of the vast majority of priests and not representative of this evil men who would go so far as to go to seminary and put on a collar just to gain access to children. I have come to
associate these disappearances which the program AA beat me over the head with as
relapses for years decades really as re-enactment or reliving the abuse experience in order to understand an resolve it not as a drug relapse. . Well I have come to associate them with that
wounded part of myself the sexually abused child the sexually experienced child,
whom I hate and who I split from at age 10.
Now split from means dissociated from through repression on a very deep level, remember I hate my wounded self I hate the feeling of being a sexually experienced child therefore I hate myself. so I pushed the wounded self inward as if he did not exist. To do this I formed a judgmental self this is he self that is operative most of the time and constantly criticizes me every second of everyday even going so far as to project criticism as if it is coming from others when in fact they have said or done nothing critical of me. Eventually what happens is after so much of this criticism 4 times a year once a month the wounded self would take the focus leave and seek love and affection the way he was conditioned to via being sexually objectified. two weeks later I would end up in an emergency room either with or without a limo ride from first responders terrified, because that is the end emotion of my sexual abuse. Now since my abuse started at 2 years which is pre-verbal the reliving, the re-enactment is also non verbal. It's thoughts constant thoughts both trying to seek love by objectifying myself and trying to figure out why I feel like this.
Now split from means dissociated from through repression on a very deep level, remember I hate my wounded self I hate the feeling of being a sexually experienced child therefore I hate myself. so I pushed the wounded self inward as if he did not exist. To do this I formed a judgmental self this is he self that is operative most of the time and constantly criticizes me every second of everyday even going so far as to project criticism as if it is coming from others when in fact they have said or done nothing critical of me. Eventually what happens is after so much of this criticism 4 times a year once a month the wounded self would take the focus leave and seek love and affection the way he was conditioned to via being sexually objectified. two weeks later I would end up in an emergency room either with or without a limo ride from first responders terrified, because that is the end emotion of my sexual abuse. Now since my abuse started at 2 years which is pre-verbal the reliving, the re-enactment is also non verbal. It's thoughts constant thoughts both trying to seek love by objectifying myself and trying to figure out why I feel like this.
I would play out the abuse taking the parts in the pornography I was watching trying to understand what they did to me until those things that my abusers told
me they would do to be if I talked came to the surface, and I running for
safety would end up I an emergence room. First they attributed it to drugs but
I learned upon coming to to ask for a psychological worker in the hospital so I
could tell the reality of my story which has nothing to do with drugs they are
merely a catalyst they make me feel like a sex object that wounded child a sex
object. Now with the therapy I'm doing if I break a Xanax jn half and swallow
it works really fast and the anxiety disappears I can see reality and process
it for what it is can love my self and make it t the next therapy session. You
hear in the rooms all the time. I'll get better, my life in the rooms my
experience is that things progressively got worse. And I think that is the rule
not the exception. You know that is pretty much my story the last 31 years in
the rooms trying to figure this out while at the same time fitting in. It just
doesn't work. AA is a nightmare that never ends until you break away no matter
the pain and the urge to go back (that's cultism). Stay away from the 12 steps they are cult religion that includes all that use the 12 steps AA, NA ... XA and warn other people about this serious cult.
Copyright Fred Celio 2016
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