Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Pay It Backwards
The abuse conditioned me to seek love and self-worth by
sexually objectifying myself. At the age of 9 when coincidentally the abuse
stopped (2-9 continuous abuse by multiple adult "family"
members). So, at the age of 9 my ego, a
wonderful gift from God and aspect of my spirit my soul, that part f my soul
that is the seat of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations split into two
ego-states, parts or selves. 1- the wounded self that part of me that seeks
love, affection, attention and self-worth through sexual objectification and
submission, 2- the judgmental self that criticizes everything about me from my
looks to my abilities. This judgmental self even projects criticism onto others
as if it came from them when they had not criticized me at all.
My judgmental part hates my wounded part and will heap on
self-criticism to keep woundedness at bay and hidden. My wounded part hates my judgmental
self. Judgment seeks to stop woundedness from gaining love and self-worth from
submission and sexual objectification (the way I was conditioned to get these
things). .Since both are me, I am in conflict both consciously and
subconsciously locked in a battle of selves. Since both are me I hate myself, I
loath myself.
Although I have learned to compensate and have achieved much
in spite of this the battle has raged since I was 9 years old.
The only way out is healing through integration, wholeness
by patiently extending my compassion -- my third self or ego state -- and
understanding of the abuse ownership of my parts and loving them in the way
they crave in the way they were denied love as a child. This must be done
patiently throughout each and every day and the experienced logged, until
finally all the memories are clear and detailed, all the traumatic emotions at
a degree and intensity that are not just out of the norm but off the chart and
patiently pieced together and placed into the mosaic that is me, and then
patiently loving and absorbing the entire picture the reality of me. Every last
detail, emotion, tactile feeling, scent, sound thought and image until all
until all the stories are formed and whole and I can absorb them and love my
parts totally. As God already does.
Loved by my compassionate self that child before 4 years old when I was
first raped by my maternal grandfather, and my maternal grandmother attempted
to murder me -- the beginning of the hell that was my life as a child,
controlled and objectified by the adults in my life who were charged with
loving and nurturing me, the very people I had to go to with my
"problems" were the ones causing them.
And I will succeed and gathering the fragments and becoming
whole the person I was created to be. Thus the abusers the perpetrators the
child molesters that were my "family" fail, and I win. But the price? The price is paying a bill
that is not mine, the price I pay is paying the consequences of someone else’s
actions. I am paying it backward. And I will succeed, and I will continue to
out them all.
Merry Christmas to all.
Merry Christmas mom, and kindly go
to your grave with the assurance that you failed in every way that a mother
possible could, you will be outed in death as you were in life, and I am busy
paying the bill you incurred the debt you incurred in this life. I am paying
your debt. And when you pass do not forget Jesus has something for you -- a
milestone for your neck, and that this has nothing to do with me. It is between
you and He. Lord Jesus please have mercy on my mother, trough Christ Our Lord Amen.
Pax Christi.
Pax Christi.
original content copyright 2014 Fred Celio
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