Anxiety is Perfectly Normal

As human beings and survivors we feel emotions. As for myself I have spent a lifetime trying ignore how I felt, instead of embracing what I felt and takening the emotions back to the abuse experiences. And not even this is my fault because I did not at the level of consciousness even know what they did to me. to be like being on fire ... on the inside. Oddly as I embrace my emotions some considered by many to be negative they ebbed and flowed and eventually disparate became a part of my experience connected to their cause. I have come a long way and am now able to differentiate that ball of emotions from myself and to differentiate some of the different emotions that are balled up and on fire and that were burning me to a crisp inside out.

Anxiety in anticipation of new situations is perfectly normal for me as a survivor it appears every Tuesday in anticipation of meeting with my therapist. I have been conditioned to associate closeness with having the rug pulled out from under me, by a childhood surrounded by adults that everyone in society told me should have been trust worthy and they were not they were perpetrators. They took my childlike trust supported by their societal roles and stomped all over it leaving me alone hurt betrayed and bewildered.. The so called negative emotions I experience are all perfectly normal and traceable to what they did to me. and perfectly normal -- I am not diseased, mentally ill, disordered or dysfunctional everything even the crushing symptoms and the consequences are not my fault. They my family my perpetrators are 100% to blame for all of it. As a survivor I pay the debt they incurred, This is how I heal, by realizing the truth living in reality and reclaiming they autonomy they tried to steal. Forgiveness doesn't enter into it .  Forgiveness is canceling the debt they incurred. In order to heal I cannot cancel it I must pay it in full. I am the normal one; they are the abnormal evil ones. I am the one that is more than normal I am truly awesome a warrior for myself and others, heck they even tried to kill me and failed, they are the failures I am the success. Sometimes I shout it, I am normal, I have reacted in a way that is perfectly normal given what they did to me. I hurt, I am normal!. My very pain is proof that I am normal -- not sick diseased disordered or dysfunctional in any way. It hurts I AM NORMAL!

I was the subject of their profound abuse, and yet I live, know the truth speak the truth and live in reality I survive, they failed.

It helps me to remember and I use the term YOU rhetorically here for anyone who would try to suggest that I am other than normal or doing it wrong -- IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK; ALL THAT MATTERS IS WHAT THEY DID TO ME! This is autonomy, this is survival -- this is healing.