The Garage Next Door

For Jenna a niece whom I love though we have never met.  And for Bonnie,Esther and the boys down the street during this event. And for all my survivor friends. the truth empowers. And to end Childhood Sexual Abuse.(CSA).

I will not lie down

I will not go quietly

I will not submit

I will not roll over

I will not comply

I will not sit down

I will not shut up

This is another event in my  sexual abuse history -- the incest I experienced as a child. I have a history of being sexually abused. That is a shock as I absorb this fact, and reflect and write about this event. The sequence is that this is the last abuse that I can remember. 

My mother is a child molester. This is a picture of her this is what a child molester looks like.  Her name: Mary Jeanine Celio aka Jean Celio. Please do not eave her alone with your children. Her address 205 dutch hollowMenasha, Wi 54952 

I was already seasoned as an incest survivor not sensitized, but it was my experience. I knew how to be sexually abused. My body and mind were while not OK with the experience, you know what as I wrote this I realized I knew what to do. I knew what was expected of me. There was a combination of a kind of titillation that is not adult sexuality but of being touched of feeling cheap and dirty and bad and getting a thrill from that feeling. A thrill a sexual like thrill from feeling cheap and dirty and bad and being a veteran of the experience the game. This was childhood. This is a whole plethora of feelings that need healed a whole group of feelings in and of themselves this feeling like a veteran of incest being seasoned being socialized as if it were part of the normal childhood experience. My worthlessness on the one hand and my value n the other were held and coupled to the feelings of comfort at being objectified. I was a man who had had sex with a woman my mother.  I was a woman already as being dressed up by my grandmother. I was their everything and I was absolutely nothing. I was a sexually experienced child at this time. As I reflect and feel these feelings again, I realize that is why I escaped and buried these feelings. I never wanted to go back there to feel them again, and if my "family" had taken care of me I would never had to experience this hideous awful feeling  coupled with sensations of titillation that shattered my childhood as well as destroyed my self(the seat of my personality) and my EGO(the seat of my hopes dreams and aspirations. I was nothing except as the sexual object defined by the adults in my life whom I was dependent on for everything.

 It is not the last I will be writing about. There was at least one other abusive event I experienced from my maternal grandfather, and on going abuse between the ages of 4 and 9 by my mother and grandmother.

The house at 5702 E Buckingham Way in Fresno

This event occurred when I was 6 years old.  Our “family” lived at 5702 E Buckingham way in Fresno . Ca. 93727. I include the address and personal information, because it was during this time that my mother molested not just me, but two neighbor girls from across the street on Buckingham. Their names are Bonnie and Esther. I do not remember their last names. They lived directly across the street from us. And two neighbor boys who lived on the other side of the vacant house from us on Buckingham Way. Who’s names I do not remember.

 One day I was at a friends house and was walking home. I happened to see two girls with their pants pulled down swinging on the gate to the vacant house next door.  This was the house that my friend David Wood and his family the Rymes moved out of not long before.

The Garage Next door to 5702 E Buckingham Way Where my mother Jean Celio molested me four neighbor children (Bonnie, Esther, Unknown boy 1, Unkown Boy 2)  my two sisters (Gina and Jemma) and my brother (Mark).

One of the little girls was my sister and the other was one of the girls from across the street. I approached them and they led me to the garage. There inside was my mother Mary Jeanine Celio know as Jean Celio. She was nude at then top. Her breasts interested me. Inside were also undressed my brother Mark my sister Jemma she was giving oral sex to the boy two doors down. My sister Gina with a girl from across the street let me in. the other boy from two doors down had been engaged somehow  with my mother and the other girl from across the street they rose up as I walked in. I do not remember what was said only something from my mother saying when I asked what this was that we were licking hot dogs and kissing hamburgers/ (this is really icky for me to write).

Both House 5702 E Buckingham Way and the one next door where my mother molested us. They look exactly the same as they looked then.

Having already been molested several times on an ongoing basis I was not repelled by the scene. I was experiencing an unnatural titillation for my age.  That feeling was due  seeing my mother naked from the top down, who had already molested me one on one and with my brother and sisters before this scene. I was conditioned to this sort of scene, even though it was a new setting and now included neighbor children.  The important thing is my feelings and memories about me not what the conversation was. Kissing hot dogs and licking hamburgers. 

I was jealous as other  boys were having my moms attention.  I thought the neighbor boy, the eldest, was being favored over me for my mothers sexual attention. Yes she had been giving him attention to show the others how things were done. Why didn't she pick me for this? why did she wait till I was gone to start the molestation scene. These were some of the feelings. I experienced. As a sexually experienced and incest socialized child. There was nothing wrong with it. It was what we did all the time at home. What was wrong was that I  wasn't my mother's focus. She was indoctrinating another

As I write this the memories, are trying to force there way back down, but I was a child and I had already been conditioned to this sort of thing. So it was not new nor abnormal from my childhood experienced. I feel some shame and blame rising. You’ll see why later further down. So my mother was using herself the neighbor boy and the neighbor girl to demonstrate. And my sister was with the other neighbor boy

I feel like a man walking in older than the others even though I am 9 and jealous of my mother’s attention to others. And I wanted to take my place with my mother to show with her to the others how everything was done. I thought I was her lover. But feeling ashamed already, I looked for my place froze not wanting to be there,  but being enticed by my involuntary feelings that should have been unfamiliar. I was being enticed by wanting to pleas my mother and getting back to the number one place in her pecking order. And I was repulsed from the whole scene. The jealously and unnatural titillation won out you know I wonder if it was titillation at all or just jealousy hurt  and shame betray for I had thought I was my mothers number on and now here is this blond neighbor boy in my place.

I strolled in and the other children hollered at me to disrobe. I did and I approached my mother my word this is icky. She told me to stay where I was that we were kissing hot dogs and licking hamburgers.

There was a lot of doing things and watching my mother do things until I would do anything she said and I was then told too give oral to the neighbor boy. I din not want to do this i wanted the breasts. I remember, but dad had done it to me already, and I knew I would get the breasts 

As she was speaking to me all the time telling me how good it was and to do it. And egging me on.

As this was going on

of a sudden, I felt a hand on my shoulder and as I looked up it was my mom asking me in anger what I was doing there telling me how bad I was and telling me to get dressed. At first i was good, and now I was bad. She sent the other boy home saying "remember what I said,"  She led me out grabbing my arm as if she were mad at me. She led me home.   She said she was going to tell my father threatening me all the way home. I to my room.  Nothing happened. Life went on as before. The incident was never mentioned again.  I lie in my bed confused and riddled with shame.

He attempt to blame me did not succeed. As you can see. I survived. I am a person who is determined to remember to speak and to be heard. I am real. I exist, and I an a of high character and morality, regardless of the actions of the woman who bore me.

My concern now is for my niece Jenna who the perpetrator spent much time alone with during her early years, and who abruptly stopped spending time with her. My molester needs to admit what she did t her and take her lumps so this precious little girl can get effective counseling as soon as possible. Healing at the earliest possible time this is essential, before she starts exhibiting self-destructive symptoms.

Anger and Other Feelings - Part 1

It's been said:

Anger is a "secondary" emotion...something that makes us feel powerful when we are feeling vulnerable. Any time you are feeling angry, if you drill down you will find something triggered that anger and that trigger will invariably be something that hurt or disappointed, &/or frightened you. Sadness makes us feel vulnerable...anger makes us feel powerful...and we therefore we do not feel vulnerable. If we are not in an emotional place in our lives where we feel safe to experience vulnerable emotions, then anger is our go-to feeling.

When you feel safe to be vulnerable, when you can experience the feelings of hurt and disappointment without feeling unsafe, you will find you experience less and less anger.

The above statement is complete nonsense. Specifically, the statement is reflective of in inadequate understanding of the mind, reflects the generalization of a specific therapeutic technique for anger management, as a statement of truth to the whole of psychological understanding, and the generalization of this technique perpetuates an ontology that focuses on abuse perpetrators and discounts abuse victims. It is an ontology of abuse.

The idea that anger is secondary attempts to impose a superficial and now outdated understanding of psychology -- the Cognitive Theory.  A more accurate depiction of the human mind is held within the Constructivist model.  The time has come not to absorb the Constructivist model within the cognitive theory, but to formulate a Constucivist hypothesis to compete with and replace the Cognitive Theory.

There is no evidence of the secondary nature of emotions. There is no hierarchy of emotions.  The mind has multiple constructs or slices  that are differentiated as thoughts, emotions, images, tactile-feelings, scents. These exist discretely in the mind and have little or no meaning on their own. There is no hierarchy with regard to these slices or constructs. These constructs have connections to other constructs of the same and/or different types and originating and/or manifesting at the same and/or different times. It is the connections that give the constructs meaning as entities, forms, structures or gestalts..

 For example there may be an anger slice that is connected to an image (simple example) of a person. Or sadness related to the image of the person at certain points in times and all times and connected to a specific thought. These constructs or slices and their connections form a specific event structure or gestalt. Gestalts and constructs get imprinted and thus become memories.  But there is no hierarchy there are feelings, images, scents, time and thoughts and the connections that form a remembered construct or a gestalt. These the gestalts and constructs are all individual slices differentiated by their connections, capacity, type and intensity. The gestalts themselves have no hierarchy. Each and any can be brought into consciousness where they have the focus.

 As Cognitive Theory is replaced by a Constructivist Theory, modalities of therapy will have to be replaced based on the more accurate view of how the mind functions provided by the Constructivist model and recent gains in the understanding of trauma, including the work of survivors of trauma in group settings like Survivors of Incest Anonymous.

Emotions as differentiated from thoughts or images exist in the mind without the need for external experience to implant them. They exist with their capacities (potential for depth intensity degree) or don't exist from conception. though that emotions exist as constructs or slices and are not dependent on a linear or hierarchical sequence which would be necessary to prove the secondary nature of any emotion.

To thus falsely  label anger as secondary emotion has specific consequences for the survivor of childhood sexual abuse. First it discounts the survivor. It  discounts the survivor's experience.  Who the survivor is.

Anger is a perfectly normal and primary response to the evil of Childhood Sexual Abuse and in fact all types of abuse. that was perpetrated on the survivor. To label the anger associated with incest or other abusive experiences as secondary is an attempt to diminish the importance of the event and the negative effect on the survivor -- the corruption of self and EGO, the invasions of boundaries etc. It is an attempt to ease the responsibility of the perpetrator by inserting a primary emotion -- not anger -- between the survivor, the event, the perpetrator and the perfectly normal response of anger. It is an attempt to guilt and shame the survivor for feeling angry. It is an attempt to mitigate diminish the survivor by saying he/she has no right to be angry -- its just secondary --.when it would in fact be abnormal for the survivor not to experience angry as a primary attachment to the events of incest childhood Sexual Abuse and in fact all other forms of abuse. It diminishes the seriousness and the evil of the abusive event(s). Thus diminishing the survivor and elevating the perpetrator.

To render anger as secondary needing a primary emotion between the event and the anger is also yet another of the million ways pop-psychologists tell the survivor to "just get over it" -- the abuse. ”It wasn't that bad, nothing to be angry about, you’re hurt that’s all." Therapists who are grounded in sound psychological principles people who understand psychology, do not discount survivors of abuse in this manner. They understand and support the survivor in the primary nature of their anger saying, of course you're angry, who wouldn't be, you have every right to be angry, it is perfectly normal for you to be angry." In fact this provides for a good assessment that can be used to determine a good therapist from a bad therapist. In the initial meeting tell them about your abuse and asses their response. Tell them about your anger and gauge their response. If they even hint at your anger being secondary proceed no further with them.

 To insert an emotion between the abusive event  and the anger is refelects an abnormal response to an anger producing event and is in fact a therapeutic technique rather than an actual modle of the human mind. that has to be practiced by those who have anger issues.

There is no research to support that anger or any other emotion occurs in a secondary manner. 

Therapies based on Cognitive Theory are ineffective because they are often applied based on flawed or incomplete assessments due to an inadequate understanding of the mind provided by the cognitive theory.  Additionally, therapies based on the Cognitive view, and the language associated with them have broken free from the psychological realm and made their way into popular psychology and have become accepted as "fact" within society.  Taken in totality this permeation of flawed theory and false therapies and beliefs promote an ontology that is detrimental to the survivors of traumatic abuse, and thus support traumatic abuse. Traumatic abuse includes Child abuse, Childhood sexual abuse, and domestic violence.

People with anger management issues act on the anger in ways that are inappropriate and harmful. The necessity of anger management is itself an argument against the idea that anger is secondary. If anger were truly a secondary emotion then people would act initially from the primary emotion not the anger. That fact that people need anger management therapy, logically it follows that they are acting from their first, initial or primary feeling the emotion of anger.  It is from anger management therapy that the above statement originated.

The therapy itself provides a mechanism, a technique for those with anger management issues to pause and evaluate their anger thus rendering by virtue of the therapy or technique anger to the role of a secondary emotion. The technique itself is not sufficient to prove that anger is secondary. In fact it is a technique to overcome the primary nature of anger by those who act their anger in ways that are destructive or harmful. It is the pause before acting that is the essential of the therapy not the rendering of anger to a secondary role which is the effect of the therapy not the reality of how the mind works. Like many things in psychology that have been popularized the anger management technique has been used adopted in popular thought as the way in which the mind works and thus adopted across the board as a truth. Again there is no evidence that this anger management technique portrays an actual reality of how the mind works and seeing it thus does a disservice to those of us who do not have anger management issues.

People who are provided with anger management therapy fall into to two basic categories, those who express their anger verbally in appropriate ways and those who are perpetrators of domestic violence.  Both instances are abusive, but the latter represents a seriousness that anger management techniques are insufficient to address. The reason anger management techniques are insufficient when addressing domestic violence is that the therapy ignores the motivation for the abuse and the pay-off the pleasure the abuser gets from doing violence to another person.  Someone who has an anger management issue addresses the primary emotion of anger in a verbal expression toward the object of the anger. A perpetrator of domestic violence takes some sort of pleasure in physically harming and thus traumatizing another human being. There is no therapy that will remove this pleasure motivation, thus domestic violence falls under the category of evil not a psychological issue and engages in evil the perpetration of domestic violence because that is who they are.  Science may or may not one day be able to uncover and remove and thus treat those who take pleasure in hurting others -- the definition of evil.

Like many things in psychology that have been accepted on a popular basis this technique has been built on as if it were a real depiction of how the human mind works rather than what i is a therapeutic for disordered individuals. therefore it is not the therapeutic that has been adopted into popular culture and built on but an inaccurate depiction of the technique as a model for how the normal human mind works. Unfortunately, there are many who call themselves therapists who have been taken in my this fallacy and pass it on to their clients as if it were scientific truth. Such is the nature of psychology in this country that a limited concept is adopted by popular culture and then accepted by the practitioners and passed on to clients as if it were supported by the science of psychology it is not. It is supported by a popular misconception of how the human mind works.

It doesn't help that therapy in question fits nicely into a cognitive linear perspective.

As mentioned above, people who have anger management issues need a therapeutic that allows them to pause before acting. These people need to pause between the feeling of anger and the expression of that feeling -- the action. The person with the anger management problem is encouraged to stop and question why they are angry, but this doesn't prove that anger is secondary. What it proves is that people with anger management issues need to stop when angry before they act and one way of doing this is to analyze their anger. Pausing for any reason, even to analyze why they are angry slows them down long enough so they don’t act on the anger impulses. It is a technique not a proof that anger is secondary. Ironically it is often perpetrators who are treated for anger management, as if their propensity to abuse others were simply an anger management issue.  The nature of abuse is much deeper than simply anger management. Treating the perpetrator by providing them with a technique to control the anger impulse ignores these deeper issues.  These include the motivation for acting out anger in the first place,as well as the pay-off or pleasure that abusers get from abusing other people.

Further treating the abuser for anger impulse control gives focus, and control to the abuser. These two aspects are part of the abusers motivation in the first place. Focusing on the abuser and giving them control ignores the damage done to the survivor. It is this damage done to the survivor that provides the abuser with his/her payoff or pleasure in the first place. This is the deeper nature of abuse. Focusing on the abuser, giving the abuser control and ignoring the true nature of abuse diminishes the survivor and actually perpetuates abuse in all its forms.

Ontologically, focuses attention on the perpetrator, ignoring the issues of motivation and pleasure payoff, discounting and minimizing and survivor's issues reflects a culture that supports  perpetration and abuse. It is no wonder that abuse continues and grows. Rendering anger as a secondary emotion, is one example of a culture that focuses attention on the perpetrator, ignores the survivor, and thus perpetuates and supports abuse while feigning to be against abuse.

I am a survivor. I am angry.  I will not forgive and far from hurting me,  my anger empowers me and will drive change in a society that tolerates abuse and supports the "poor sick" perpetrator.

Tell Me Who I Am

Tell Me Who I Am

Do you know what it is like to be invisible?

To yourself

To look in the mirror but not see anyone

To not see a face

Tosee an object in the mirror
 but not a person

When what should be seen in the mirror
is a reflection of the self

a face the image of which is held inside

A self-image

EGO, SELF, FACE

These are all reflected in the face that is seen in the mirror

When nothing is seen
or when what is seen is ugly and stupid and worth less
why look

This is why we avoid mirrors

The face reflected back is hideous and stupid and worthless and ugly

It is a refection of the face within the corrupted EGO and the Self
the shame and betrayal and self hatered 

The self … image
that was forced upon us by our perpatrators

And so we avoid mirrors

And the faces of others for they are reflections too

Of our face but we do not see the joy the belief the eagerness to be friends the appreciation of beauty of handsomeness
the appreciation of us
ou self ,,, image reflected back to us rom the face of another

We see again a corrupted self …  image the result of transferrence

We do not even look for apresiciation and eagerness to befreind
and recognition of beauty or handsomeness

We see harsh responses not reflections of reality at all

All others are authorities all others know more than we all others are worth more,

All others view the hideous truth within

We don’t need to read it on their faces

So we don’t look

all others see what we see within

A hideous self image corrupted by shame and betrayal and loneliness

Ugly, stupid and worth less automatically worth less by virture of who we are

We are

Objects of violence projected on us as sex by those whom as children we automatically trusted we saw the goodness and beauty and worthy ness reflected back to us from the faces around us … then

But what they did changed all that in an instant

And a lifetime later we began to see the truth again

In the mirror and in the faces of others.

copyright2013fredcelio

My Initial Incest Experience (Part 2)

My Initial Incest Experience (Part 2)

I have learned about courage courage. It is an emotion. It manifests in doing what should be done after feeling fear, regardless of the degree and intensity of the fear. It is not merely the act of overcoming the fear; it is an emotion itself. It is a positive emotion. It is not like joy which wells up inside you and spills out, or happiness which is contentment with excitement, Courage is calm satisfaction.

I believe this is one emotion that someone either has or have not. It cannot be cultivated, nurtured and grown. It cannot be developed.  Fear tests the person A person either has the capacity to overcome fear or acknowledge it and take the fear invoking action or they cannot.

With other types of emotions which we all experience as part of the human experience, the capacities can differ with the individual. One may have a greater capacity to feel empathy and then act or a lesser capacity for empathy, or grief or guilt these all are emotions that God assigns a capacity for within a person. A person can diminish the capacity and ignore it, but I do not think they can increase what God has given. We judge actions. Actions are often based on emotions not so much on thoughts or maybe equally so. So we should not judge others because only God knows a person's capacity with a given emotion.  Only God knows a persons heart, used here as the seat of the emotions.

So I lie in the bed, the bunk which so excited me when I lye down for the night. As I slept Grandpa sodomized me. I awoke and stayed awake in shock for some time. I did not cry although I was hurting down there. That was numbed out. The whole experience was numbing. I was asleep and I dissociated.  I don't know how I processed the emotions of confusing, shame, and betrayal, as I lie there in shock numb and hurting.

The way disassociation works, and I think it is a form of shock common to us all, again a perfectly normal response to trauma.  The dissociation gradually dissipates as one's return to consciousness occurs. Then comes the anger and decision time -- courage

I knew what had happened was wrong. I was hurt. The whole event was weird.  Grandpa had not so visited me before. It was wrong. He hurt me and scared me and said bad words. It was wrong because he hurt me. It is wrong to hurt a child. It is wrong to hurt ME. Then I knew it intuitively. Now I know it intellectually. As I
this I am learning on a feeling level.

Then the anger set in as I lay. I wish he would come back because I would beat him up. This thought and inclination are all consistent with my maturation level at 4 years old.  It is also courage, and I had no doubt I would have risen up and beat on him.

Although I am exceptionally bright, I do not know how far off of the chart my intelligence is, and I do not care to know. I don't think it means anything with regard to emotions, although it means a great deal in managing behavior.  I was feeling and my rudimentary but developing sense of self and boundaries, which where still at the level of defining where did I end and where did other begin, and thus my sense of self confused, were violated and thus their development was challenged.  I emerged with an internal sense of being ugly, and stupid and worthless.  These would stay with me the rest of my life until I would be able to therapeutically process the memories which were now beginning to be repressed, and would eventually be completely suppressed through the deeper mechanism of amnesia. So having no idea of what was taking place internally the reaction of my mind, body and spirit to the violation of my self, as well as, the transference of shame from the perpetrator to me, and the resulting since of betrayal, the isolation and loneliness that would remain deeply inside me and remain throughout my life undifferentiated. And the stark terror. All of these were now a part of me, and on their way to the subconscious neatly tucked away by the normal trauma response of repression at the ready to emerge in undefined ways to affect the life of myslef and those who would come to love and be close to me.

Terror how many of you even know what it is other than intellectually, other than the titillating way threat movies lead you to experience in a controlled way what it is. But an element of terror is lack of control. Terror off the chart?  Which of you and how many have experienced terror? Terror is fear that is off the chart. By off the chart I mean it is outside of the zone that a human being can comfortably or uncomfortably process ie get past on their own. These are not just colorful words they have specific meanings.  The trauma response though is normal to hide the terror from consciousness through repression and later complete amnesia but we will get to that later.

So I did not have to deal with terror as the anger subsided or was also sub directed to the unconscious, This may be a maturation thing. I do know that this internalizing anger has been with me since. And I see it as occurring at this point although it could more easily be categorized as tucked away in the subconscious and turned inward as a process that developed for me with regard to what next occurred.  Yes, there was more trauma on the horizon.

Courage? I have it. So the next morning as grandpa had left for work while my sister and I were still sleeping, I arose and immediately and over and over again -- a child learns he has to repeat themselves to get the attention of an adult even about serious things. I told grandma what grandpa had done. I told her grandpa hurt me. I was not shy about this. I told him in a four year old's words that has no idea what sodomy is where I hurt and how I got hurt and well the wholes story of how he awakened me. Repeatedly to the one who loved me and would take care of the situation and of course beat grandpa up so that he would be punished for what he did.  Because you are not supposed to hurt people, and if you are hurt as a child you go to the adult who loves you that was not involved and they will take care of it for you. That is the nature of childhood. That is what a child has a right to expect. I knew grandpa was going to get it from grandma when he got home, and then and there I would have done the right thing and I would have been protected. this is what I expected. I didn't realize that there were other repercussions the areas that I described above that would need to be healed, even after grandma set things right with grandpa. I did not know because I was the child it was not my job to know. It was the adult's job to know and to get me the counseling that I already at four years old needed not because there was something wrong with me, but because there had been something done to me.

But Grandma did not fix it. She did not punish grandpa. She did not get me counseling. She did not even check my injuries down there.

What she did do was change. Once she heard me repeat the story over and over. Once she caught what I was saying she changed -- from grandma to the worst most scariest most hideous monster I could imagine at the time -- Frankenstein.

Then, at once, she went hysterical yelling and screaming at me. Something is wrong here, as I stood looking up at her. No time to process this discontinuity. Their terror she was trying to instill in me was not yet recognized. My neurological system had already been stretched  out like a guitar string so it would take a much greater degree of fear, of terror for me even to notice it and feel scared. Besides it was grandma not Frankenstein.  Maybe she would change back. What is this weirdness?

But she did not change back. She continued in hysteria yelling and screaming about me being a liar. That was  the thing, I was a liar. He grandpa was good. He would never do such a thing. I a four year old boy was lying about being sodomized the night before by her husband.

Never did she question, how would I know to lie? How would I at four even think of such a thing that happened to me let alone lie about it? What was I covering. but she clearly was calling me a liar over and over again.    This was a cacophony of hysteria as she defended the man who had wronged and damaged me. I was already filled with the guilt and shame that he so lovingly transferred from his psyche to mine and now this..

So her hysteria had not yet reached a level significant enough to illicit fear in me.In a split second that changed as she yelling and screaming hysterically, she grabbed me or rather the object I had become and and a brand new bar of soap. She took me to the laundry room sink.  As she bent me over the edge of the sink my legs dangling did not touch the ground the edge of the sink pushing into my diaphragm the air being expelled as she turned on the water and unwrapped the bar of soap, lava, and the water ran over my nose and gagged mouth. Unable to take in any oxygen,  the air was expelled from me by the edge of the laundry room sink pressing into my diaphragm, my nostrils smothered by the water and my mouth expanded beyond the size that was useful to me by the soap and itself smothered by the water, I struggled in a life or death battle to fight and flee.Not powerless and yet not powerful enough I struggled for my life held down my face in the water and ramming the soap with my protector turned perpetrator yelling and screaming. Now I was terrified.

The fear quickly reached a level that was beyond the terror of the night before, as I struggled for my life. Until I was no longer able to struggle. I was already in fight and flight mode.  Fight or flight mode is a physiological term describing organisms faced with life or death terror. It is not something a human being normally experiences, let alone a child seeking help and protection from his family who loved him. I, unable to  break free of this suffocation, this water boarding, eventually entered the next neurological state.  After fight of flight is exhausted shut off ensues. In this state an organism's neurological system shuts down as they prepare for imminent death. A death that logically and always follows this state.  I took what my body knew to be my last breath.

About eight hours later. This had occurred during morning light, when I came too in grandma's bed it was evening darkness.  When I opened my ears and eyes. My sister was talking about the ambulance coming.Grandma went to the door. I felt a twinge of  relief as I knew the emergency workers would save me. But that was not to be. Grandma went to the door, but she returned alone. How did she do that?

And so I was "treated." I was treated as if nothing had ever happened.
copyright 2013 Fred Celio

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My Initial Incest Expereience

My Initial Incest Experience Cartoon Trap

This happened when I was four years old. The memory has only become clear now. now it is crystallize with time sequence tactile feeling and emotions feeling as well as smell. I verbalized at its current status which helped to raise that status only this weekend. I find I can revisit these memories now in the current state of completeness. This is a blessing and it is healing.

To remember and to tell the story releases the shame and betrayal and anger and sadness and pain these things that were transferred from he perpetrator to the victim can now be transferred back to from the survivor to the perpetrator by telling the truth the reality to the world.

When I was four years old, my sister and I went to stay with our maternal grandparents in Arizona where they were living at the time in a mobile home that was in a remote dessert setting. I remember trying to set a cartoon trap for and catch one of the many jack rabbits. I put a box tilted upward with a stick holding it upright and a string tied to the stick so that I could pull the string and the box would fall trapping the rabbit inside. I baited the trap with a carrot. I remember now it must have been crude but it was my own , built from cartoon memories. I foru year old boy amusing himself in isolation.

One night probably he first night my sister and I were there in the midst of the excitement of sleeping in a mobile home on bunk types beds and with the sleep of a four year old no cares no worries just feeling safe secure and loved. one night that night I was awakened stilled in sleep and yet awake. sleeping on my belly so as to allow easy or inviting access I guess.  A sudden something was on my a pressure and a pressure inside that hurt there is the smell of jergens lotion his lubricant of choice and liquor oh God now I remember the liquor smell. Greasiness of his body. I am pressed a weight on top and immobilized by these and yet  his member is inside me and I have no awareness of what it is. I feel the fabric of my pajamas the sheet no made greasy greasiness overwhelms the pillow slip  I remember weight and stuck and being half asleep and trapped I am immobilized before I can awake to escape. this its self is prison this itself is abusive victimization that steals a bit of self before boundaries are even defined the freedom I have is stolen from  me as I awake to conciseness in the torture chamber of his body. terror and confusion awaking like that oh its grandpa its ok but it is not what is the doing. then the whispering you are  my whore you are mine you will be mine always you will never be loved like this don't you love me. do not tell our secret or I will leave you alone trapped in this desert. I will anger now as I cannot escape his anger, greasiness fabric I immobilized as I awake. And of course I will cut you into to little pieces and throw you in the desert.

So I remember sights and sounds and smells and the rush of emotions I just re-experienced as I write the words. the greasiness is him oily and the tactile feeling him inside but I do not know it is him or coming from him  The rush of emotions is trauma confusion mainly terror shame hurt physical and mental pain and anguish and betrayal all and more in a rush that overwhelms the mind and left me immobile in the bed with all that is left of grandpa this wetness inside me and between my legs and now soaking into me and the sheets as I see his nude body walking toward my sister's bunk I close my eyes in the traumatized state, like the rabbit I hoped to catch in my cartoon trap, which is a form of shock a shocked state in the position he left me until the rush of emotions subsides and I  remember that I control  my body and can move again where I wish. and I can now begin processing what just happened to me on my own by myself..

And for a brief moment I am again that little boy as I step outside to smoke a cigarette to harm myself for that is what smoking is. These emotions are not clearly yet differentiated but are balled   up still and yet I am four years old as I write. with adult time pressing and work to do and people to love as I follow the commandment of my God to love one another, but no love and no forgiveness to grandpa. There is no forgiveness in my heart only a prayer to ask God for mercy on him and that he not tie the millstone around his neck.  This is all I will do and it is enough. The action of my God the God of us all to grandpa is none of my concern. This is God's business. I am not God, forgiveness is not mine to give.

As I become mobile the confusion and anger set in and laid atop of all is the feeling gradually returning of a little boy safe secure and warm, but the price of security is the transference of shame and betrayal and loneliness that rightly belongs to grandpa but which will stay with me the rest of my life until I release by telling the truth not in secrecy but to the world. the truth of this evil monster who in an act of power that took a sexual form providing some sort of something for him. I know not what I do not care what gets perpetrator's off it is not my business to figure this out I do not care what arouses or gets them off it is not my concern it is nothing nothing to do with me a piece of meat for whatever it is that motivates the perpetrator.

I divide my attention between writing this and publishing http://www.stmichaelgodsknight.com/.

copyright 2013 Fred Celio

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