I Tiger (Revisited)

I Tiger (Revisited) 

Ode to Anger

I'm a tiger look at me

I use my imagination to process this anger

at reality

You walk by old and grey supple no more

It is not back in the day though the anger remains to be processed 

full grown now with claws and teeth

you would never get away with reality

Grrr subdued

Grrr from the tree

I tiger I leap now to strike

claws out teeth beared

What is anger what is anger WHAT IS  ANGER

I am anger I am anger I AM ANGER

In the air toward you now I mumble the primal predator’s prayer

I forgive thee

I AM HUNGRY

I strike my claws tear you flesh wrinkled and old

it does not matter it is you

clawing through the flesh

supple no more with age

that primal hunger you instilled 

the hunger wins out over forgiveness 

as some sort of hunger drove you to do what you do

HUNGER for truth

HUNGER to stand up

this hunger has always been with me

I forgive thee ... as I rip into your flesh

saber tooth

no regrets 

the truth into the light always wins always wins

no thought of revenge no just right and wrong

the tiger lives fed by the truth

anger instinct not secondary  but primal drives this hunger for  the truth to which the mind constantly gravitates 

not revenge

the justice of the animal world

I tear you flesh once foisted upon me against my will

to eat me

kill or be killed

the hunger of anger must be satisfied

better to write than to act

I rip that flesh that betrayed me smaller I was

can't you see it is me

IT IS ME

I EXIST!

the me you could not kill

nor hide

nor destroy 

the me you betrayed you thought you left behind

left for dead buried alive

I live

I tiger

I rip the flesh and spit it out

the huger must be fed

the anger satisfied

I rip and tear and claw and spit out each bite

the hunger must be fed

Now I tiger

now I man

I bath in your blood

you warm blood covers and arouses me

I sit bathed in your warm blood 

penis erect

satisfying the primal hunger with no sexual release

ever erect

as I look at the pieces of you ... 

scattered thus

I am satisfied

Now pick them up 

make yourself whole

for in reality 

this is what you did to me!

I tiger 

I eachu

copyright 2014 FredCelio

Anger and Other Feelings - Part 1

It's been said:

Anger is a "secondary" emotion...something that makes us feel powerful when we are feeling vulnerable. Any time you are feeling angry, if you drill down you will find something triggered that anger and that trigger will invariably be something that hurt or disappointed, &/or frightened you. Sadness makes us feel vulnerable...anger makes us feel powerful...and we therefore we do not feel vulnerable. If we are not in an emotional place in our lives where we feel safe to experience vulnerable emotions, then anger is our go-to feeling.

When you feel safe to be vulnerable, when you can experience the feelings of hurt and disappointment without feeling unsafe, you will find you experience less and less anger.

The above statement is complete nonsense. Specifically, the statement is reflective of in inadequate understanding of the mind, reflects the generalization of a specific therapeutic technique for anger management, as a statement of truth to the whole of psychological understanding, and the generalization of this technique perpetuates an ontology that focuses on abuse perpetrators and discounts abuse victims. It is an ontology of abuse.

The idea that anger is secondary attempts to impose a superficial and now outdated understanding of psychology -- the Cognitive Theory.  A more accurate depiction of the human mind is held within the Constructivist model.  The time has come not to absorb the Constructivist model within the cognitive theory, but to formulate a Constucivist hypothesis to compete with and replace the Cognitive Theory.

There is no evidence of the secondary nature of emotions. There is no hierarchy of emotions.  The mind has multiple constructs or slices  that are differentiated as thoughts, emotions, images, tactile-feelings, scents. These exist discretely in the mind and have little or no meaning on their own. There is no hierarchy with regard to these slices or constructs. These constructs have connections to other constructs of the same and/or different types and originating and/or manifesting at the same and/or different times. It is the connections that give the constructs meaning as entities, forms, structures or gestalts..

 For example there may be an anger slice that is connected to an image (simple example) of a person. Or sadness related to the image of the person at certain points in times and all times and connected to a specific thought. These constructs or slices and their connections form a specific event structure or gestalt. Gestalts and constructs get imprinted and thus become memories.  But there is no hierarchy there are feelings, images, scents, time and thoughts and the connections that form a remembered construct or a gestalt. These the gestalts and constructs are all individual slices differentiated by their connections, capacity, type and intensity. The gestalts themselves have no hierarchy. Each and any can be brought into consciousness where they have the focus.

 As Cognitive Theory is replaced by a Constructivist Theory, modalities of therapy will have to be replaced based on the more accurate view of how the mind functions provided by the Constructivist model and recent gains in the understanding of trauma, including the work of survivors of trauma in group settings like Survivors of Incest Anonymous.

Emotions as differentiated from thoughts or images exist in the mind without the need for external experience to implant them. They exist with their capacities (potential for depth intensity degree) or don't exist from conception. though that emotions exist as constructs or slices and are not dependent on a linear or hierarchical sequence which would be necessary to prove the secondary nature of any emotion.

To thus falsely  label anger as secondary emotion has specific consequences for the survivor of childhood sexual abuse. First it discounts the survivor. It  discounts the survivor's experience.  Who the survivor is.

Anger is a perfectly normal and primary response to the evil of Childhood Sexual Abuse and in fact all types of abuse. that was perpetrated on the survivor. To label the anger associated with incest or other abusive experiences as secondary is an attempt to diminish the importance of the event and the negative effect on the survivor -- the corruption of self and EGO, the invasions of boundaries etc. It is an attempt to ease the responsibility of the perpetrator by inserting a primary emotion -- not anger -- between the survivor, the event, the perpetrator and the perfectly normal response of anger. It is an attempt to guilt and shame the survivor for feeling angry. It is an attempt to mitigate diminish the survivor by saying he/she has no right to be angry -- its just secondary --.when it would in fact be abnormal for the survivor not to experience angry as a primary attachment to the events of incest childhood Sexual Abuse and in fact all other forms of abuse. It diminishes the seriousness and the evil of the abusive event(s). Thus diminishing the survivor and elevating the perpetrator.

To render anger as secondary needing a primary emotion between the event and the anger is also yet another of the million ways pop-psychologists tell the survivor to "just get over it" -- the abuse. ”It wasn't that bad, nothing to be angry about, you’re hurt that’s all." Therapists who are grounded in sound psychological principles people who understand psychology, do not discount survivors of abuse in this manner. They understand and support the survivor in the primary nature of their anger saying, of course you're angry, who wouldn't be, you have every right to be angry, it is perfectly normal for you to be angry." In fact this provides for a good assessment that can be used to determine a good therapist from a bad therapist. In the initial meeting tell them about your abuse and asses their response. Tell them about your anger and gauge their response. If they even hint at your anger being secondary proceed no further with them.

 To insert an emotion between the abusive event  and the anger is refelects an abnormal response to an anger producing event and is in fact a therapeutic technique rather than an actual modle of the human mind. that has to be practiced by those who have anger issues.

There is no research to support that anger or any other emotion occurs in a secondary manner. 

Therapies based on Cognitive Theory are ineffective because they are often applied based on flawed or incomplete assessments due to an inadequate understanding of the mind provided by the cognitive theory.  Additionally, therapies based on the Cognitive view, and the language associated with them have broken free from the psychological realm and made their way into popular psychology and have become accepted as "fact" within society.  Taken in totality this permeation of flawed theory and false therapies and beliefs promote an ontology that is detrimental to the survivors of traumatic abuse, and thus support traumatic abuse. Traumatic abuse includes Child abuse, Childhood sexual abuse, and domestic violence.

People with anger management issues act on the anger in ways that are inappropriate and harmful. The necessity of anger management is itself an argument against the idea that anger is secondary. If anger were truly a secondary emotion then people would act initially from the primary emotion not the anger. That fact that people need anger management therapy, logically it follows that they are acting from their first, initial or primary feeling the emotion of anger.  It is from anger management therapy that the above statement originated.

The therapy itself provides a mechanism, a technique for those with anger management issues to pause and evaluate their anger thus rendering by virtue of the therapy or technique anger to the role of a secondary emotion. The technique itself is not sufficient to prove that anger is secondary. In fact it is a technique to overcome the primary nature of anger by those who act their anger in ways that are destructive or harmful. It is the pause before acting that is the essential of the therapy not the rendering of anger to a secondary role which is the effect of the therapy not the reality of how the mind works. Like many things in psychology that have been popularized the anger management technique has been used adopted in popular thought as the way in which the mind works and thus adopted across the board as a truth. Again there is no evidence that this anger management technique portrays an actual reality of how the mind works and seeing it thus does a disservice to those of us who do not have anger management issues.

People who are provided with anger management therapy fall into to two basic categories, those who express their anger verbally in appropriate ways and those who are perpetrators of domestic violence.  Both instances are abusive, but the latter represents a seriousness that anger management techniques are insufficient to address. The reason anger management techniques are insufficient when addressing domestic violence is that the therapy ignores the motivation for the abuse and the pay-off the pleasure the abuser gets from doing violence to another person.  Someone who has an anger management issue addresses the primary emotion of anger in a verbal expression toward the object of the anger. A perpetrator of domestic violence takes some sort of pleasure in physically harming and thus traumatizing another human being. There is no therapy that will remove this pleasure motivation, thus domestic violence falls under the category of evil not a psychological issue and engages in evil the perpetration of domestic violence because that is who they are.  Science may or may not one day be able to uncover and remove and thus treat those who take pleasure in hurting others -- the definition of evil.

Like many things in psychology that have been accepted on a popular basis this technique has been built on as if it were a real depiction of how the human mind works rather than what i is a therapeutic for disordered individuals. therefore it is not the therapeutic that has been adopted into popular culture and built on but an inaccurate depiction of the technique as a model for how the normal human mind works. Unfortunately, there are many who call themselves therapists who have been taken in my this fallacy and pass it on to their clients as if it were scientific truth. Such is the nature of psychology in this country that a limited concept is adopted by popular culture and then accepted by the practitioners and passed on to clients as if it were supported by the science of psychology it is not. It is supported by a popular misconception of how the human mind works.

It doesn't help that therapy in question fits nicely into a cognitive linear perspective.

As mentioned above, people who have anger management issues need a therapeutic that allows them to pause before acting. These people need to pause between the feeling of anger and the expression of that feeling -- the action. The person with the anger management problem is encouraged to stop and question why they are angry, but this doesn't prove that anger is secondary. What it proves is that people with anger management issues need to stop when angry before they act and one way of doing this is to analyze their anger. Pausing for any reason, even to analyze why they are angry slows them down long enough so they don’t act on the anger impulses. It is a technique not a proof that anger is secondary. Ironically it is often perpetrators who are treated for anger management, as if their propensity to abuse others were simply an anger management issue.  The nature of abuse is much deeper than simply anger management. Treating the perpetrator by providing them with a technique to control the anger impulse ignores these deeper issues.  These include the motivation for acting out anger in the first place,as well as the pay-off or pleasure that abusers get from abusing other people.

Further treating the abuser for anger impulse control gives focus, and control to the abuser. These two aspects are part of the abusers motivation in the first place. Focusing on the abuser and giving them control ignores the damage done to the survivor. It is this damage done to the survivor that provides the abuser with his/her payoff or pleasure in the first place. This is the deeper nature of abuse. Focusing on the abuser, giving the abuser control and ignoring the true nature of abuse diminishes the survivor and actually perpetuates abuse in all its forms.

Ontologically, focuses attention on the perpetrator, ignoring the issues of motivation and pleasure payoff, discounting and minimizing and survivor's issues reflects a culture that supports  perpetration and abuse. It is no wonder that abuse continues and grows. Rendering anger as a secondary emotion, is one example of a culture that focuses attention on the perpetrator, ignores the survivor, and thus perpetuates and supports abuse while feigning to be against abuse.

I am a survivor. I am angry.  I will not forgive and far from hurting me,  my anger empowers me and will drive change in a society that tolerates abuse and supports the "poor sick" perpetrator.

Angry Words

They are just Angry words

But they cut like a knife into the spirit and soul

I mean, mean vicious untrue, misleading, misunderstanding, obscene, cutting … words

Have you ever cut yourself accidently on the flesh

And then spent time wondering what it would be like to be stabbed to have a deep wound serious

Not accidental

I mean With paper or a razor or knife

Don’t get me wrong not someone else’s your own

This is what angry words are like

Your own throat slit from side to side not the aftermath but the feel of the sharpe  blade sharpe as a scalpel

What the slit feels like

Like finger nails on a chalk board you ponder it too long, why would you

And then transfer that same feeling to say the gut area

The abdomen

A knife launched in anger and

It cut your flesh like that searing feeling of an accidental cut like your throat being slit but only in the gut the abdomen

Then well, it must start out like that and go deeper as the knife continues on its path this I cannot feel I cannot imagine

Sharp like a scalpel that searing kind of feeling

Hardly noticeable when it is inflicted and completely unoticable as it goes deeper and moves through its path

Like paper cut

Surgical

Slit throat

Abdomen

But you look down and realize it is deeper

Serious

You feel the initial slit but the rest you don’t feel

As the blood flows from the thin and slender line that begins to

Opens up into a wound

And thin line of blood becomes a flow of blood

And it can actually gush it is that serious

And then that thin searing pain becomes deeper and broader

And yet hardly noticible against the backdrop of pain that it seems like has always been there

Serious pain

Not From the cut but from the wound it inflicted

And then you don’t worry about the blood anymore

As messy as it is as it flows you see it

But then the shock of the sight is dismissed in favor of the pain

The deep pain physical from a serious wound

And you bend over too holding on to a gaping hole that you are not trying to cover up so much as to hold in

Hold the pain in

Not the blood and guts

But the pain

Bent over with both hands covering the initial thin line

Inflicted by the cut of a knife or scalpel or whatever

That has now grow into a gaping hole

But you are not trying to cover up this wound at all though it has that effect

As much as you are trying to stop to sooth the pain by holding holding it in

Then the pain peaks and subsides as you continue to hold the wound

It is as if you can sooth or

Mitigate this deep pain by holding it in

If you hold it in … the pain … then there was no event

there was no wound

and the pain goes away and you remove your hands

There, it will stay in by itself now

No I mean the pain has gone away it is gone it was never there

And you are safe,

If you hold in the pain

And you tell no one

No one knows except you and the inflictor the

Well

The perpetrator

disassociation  is the answer to all my problems

Problems being pain emotional pain

Disassociation no pain,  no pain here, what pain,

 I have just gotten over it

See it doesn’t even seem trite in this context

So no stabbing no wound no pain

If the pain is gone then the was no incident no stabling no wound

E I E I O

And so I look inside and here are these scars

So many

And so, some are long and jiggered

Some are small and barely noticeable

But upon reflection I can remember each one

This is when she pulled the knife out and stabbed and cut

Angry vicious words a tirade of anger

Just like a scalpel surgically applied and accepted

Have you ever been on the receiving end  of something like these

And I remember each one the events the angry words lost in a tirade of of anger for she has become anger has become the scalpel

Yes and some applied in front of witnesses

This is the second one

Barely noticble a very small scar really that has healed over

Oh well maybe a bit longer and certainly deeper

Applied in front of a witness

Who covered her eyes and mouth in aghast as she

A bystander witnessed the knife or scalpel go into to the spirit the soul and cut and cut angry vicious words that like a knife are

Outside of me and have nothing to do with me they are mostly lies and half truths

And a misunderstanding misinterpretation of the facts

They are anger directed at me

As a knife or scalpel they cut and cut

They jab and cut

And I hold them in hold in the pain really

As I accept each jab

And the witness sees me

Sooth her

I fall to my knees because of the unseen unfelt pain of the attack

I sit I remove her shoe’s

I kiss her feet

The bystander walks away

Mumbling something about I can’t watch this

I kiss her feet at her feet

I hold in my pain by soothing her’s

For anger is an expression of the angry persons pain the pain of the perpetrator

Expressed as a screen play and action an angry expression of words artfully applied to

Well really the receiver who is not angry

Does not even appear hurt

For they are only words

So I kiss and rub I caress her feet at her feet after the attack on me

Which wasn’t really about me at all

But something in her that needed to be expressed

 so I accept the wound to my soul and spirit

Accept, receive, deny dissociate

E I E I O

Not in the spirit in which it was inflicted but as one

Who epitomizes the very concept of acceptance

I say nothing as I hold in this emotional pain and I sooth her

At her feet I caress her feet

But there after all these years is the scar

I have the scar meant for someone else who?

I do not know

I remember the pain and the accumulated pain of all the remaining attacks down through the years

For this was only the second knifing of me I hold in the pain and all the scars are there

they remain

As the years go by and the relationship grows and develops

Sometimes punctuated by angry gestures obscenities and words that are nonsensical

And always the jabbing the knife jabs and cuts

Like a knife or scalpel in my spirit my soul

It goes in with a jab comes out another jab  in

Then moving the knife/scalpel as when still in flesh

It is sticking in the spirit the soul and she moves the knife the scalpel and it cuts through the soul and spirit

As it moves and leaves a thin line

That bleeds a thin line of blood

And then opens up the soul the spirit and there is a wound

But down go my hands

Not to stop the bleeding or hold in my guts my very soul’s stuff some of my spirit is trying to leak out to the air and get outside of me

Some of who I am leaks out through these wounds like blood and guts

So I hold in the pain and my soul and my spirit as she attempts to break it with her vicious angry mean words cruel words cutting untruths half truths misunderstandings name calling

On and on it goes and I show no signs of having hung in

Yet the scars remain

And the memory of each wound and me holding in holding on to the pain

And her anger falls like rain and then

The sun

And no anger just nice

And she says I love you

I know she does for she said it

And I accept that too

Accept the I love yous for that is what my soul craves

After the knifings the I love yous

I live for these

I love you

She bats her eyes and says I love you

Mom told me some day I will meet a girl who will bat her eyes at me

And you will be gone

Thanks Mom

Slipping away

But not quite gone yet

You were right

I hold in the pain and I accept the joy of hearing those three words

And I ignore the knifings and the scars left as their reminders for I have

I love yous

The three words I seek and for which I will accept a million surgically applied knifings night and day and gladly

For those three words

as a bit of my soul my spirit slips away

Whether I can see the attack coming or whether it is a sneak attack

A bit of my soul my spirit a bit of me slips away

And then I am nothing but scars

I warned her I told her the third time

Yes she did it again even after the caressing of feet at her feet

I really thought this would stop the knifings but it did not

So the third time sitting in the car

Alone holding the wound that was bleeding holding in the pain

Calmly and serenely for I was practicing acceptance the answer to all my problems

I tell her calmly as I hold the bleeding wound to  ease the pain but has the ancillary effect of stopping the bleeding and hold my guts in that part of my soul my spirit that’s under attack the very me of me I hold in to stop the pain

And I turn and calmly tell her as I bleed and hold the wound I say

“You know, this is going to take a toll.”

And years go by more knifings

More holding in me … the me of me

the pain she has inflicted by angry vicious cruel mean word tirades  name calling obscenities actions as knifings surgically applied to my spirit and soul

She has left down the state yet still with silence not answering  the phone and then angry angry words mean viscous hateful untruths misunderstandings half truths and misinterpretations name calling stabbing and slashing at me soul. 

Until I bleed out me.

And all these scars from previous attacks have accumulated and there they are and I remember each one that I have accepted

And so years go by

And I write still years from now

I write these words

Just as calmly for now the anger has degenerated into the written word emails and instant messages the knifes or scalpel of technology surgically butchering my spirit my soul until more of me bleeds out and I  hold in the pain to keep me from bleeding out and losing myself to the ground and losing myself as I bleed out with the pain.  I hold it in I hold it in to stop the pain and the blood the very me of me is held in.

The written word emails and instant messages

Have become her weapons so she can strike from a far

They cut just as deeply as if she were standing right there and maybe even more so … because she is not standing right there

And I know my I love yous which I will get if I hang in and accept these knifings I know my I love yours  will not be in person But still I hang holding in the pain and the blood of me the very me of me for these I love yours which are fewer and far between the knifings which come at anytime for any reason

Cut upon cut scar upon scar and I hold in the pain.  I can do nothing but devote myself to these miserable knifings and continue to love you.

And so after more knifings I write too

If you keep treating me like this there will come a time when there will be nothing you can do there will be nothing you can say. 

And still you continue. Knife and blame knife and blame.

As more of me bleeds out of me

As more scars are formed you knife and blame me

Words of anger of hate name calling obscenities and then one I love you again.

How much of me has bled out how many scars from holding in the pain?

Till I can no longer disscociate and finally the end as the relationship becomes the knifings and I love yous mean nothing  I have held in the pain and held onto me

I have survived another relationship.

Sometimes it seems that I am nothing but scars there are so many

Old scars new scars

I do not sit and contemplate them all; they are just there

I do not remember each and every one

They are a testament to me

I have held in the pain and the blood that runs from my spirit and soul the blood

The very me of me

I have held in the pain the blood and saved me the very me of me remains intact to this day

I am not the scars or the pain I am underneath

I am here.

Copyright 2013 Fred Celio

The Daily Prayer That Never Fails

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