Friday, February 27, 2015
Anxiety is Perfectly Normal
As human beings and
survivors we feel emotions. As for myself I have spent a lifetime trying ignore
how I felt, instead of embracing what I felt and takening the emotions back to
the abuse experiences. And not even this is my fault because I did not at the
level of consciousness even know what they did to me. to be like being on fire ... on the inside. Oddly as I embrace my emotions some considered by many to be negative they
ebbed and flowed and eventually disparate became a part of my experience connected
to their cause. I have come a long way and am now able to differentiate that
ball of emotions from myself and to differentiate some of the different
emotions that are balled up and on fire and that were burning me to a crisp
inside out.
Anxiety in anticipation
of new situations is perfectly normal for me as a survivor it appears every Tuesday in anticipation of meeting with my therapist. I have been conditioned to
associate closeness with having the rug pulled out from under me, by a
childhood surrounded by adults that everyone in society told me should have been
trust worthy and they were not they were perpetrators. They took my childlike
trust supported by their societal roles and stomped all over it leaving me
alone hurt betrayed and bewildered.. The so called negative emotions I
experience are all perfectly normal and traceable to what they did to me. and
perfectly normal -- I am not diseased, mentally ill, disordered or
dysfunctional everything even the crushing symptoms and the consequences are
not my fault. They my family my perpetrators are 100% to blame for all of it.
As a survivor I pay the debt they incurred, This is how I heal, by realizing
the truth living in reality and reclaiming they autonomy they tried to steal.
Forgiveness doesn't enter into it . Forgiveness
is canceling the debt they incurred. In order to heal I cannot cancel it I must
pay it in full. I am the normal one; they are the abnormal evil ones. I am the
one that is more than normal I am truly awesome a warrior for myself and
others, heck they even tried to kill me and failed, they are the failures I am
the success. Sometimes I shout it, I am normal, I have reacted in a way
that is perfectly normal given what they did to me. I hurt, I am normal!. My
very pain is proof that I am normal -- not sick diseased disordered or dysfunctional
in any way. It hurts I AM NORMAL!
I was the subject of their profound abuse, and yet I live, know the
truth speak the truth and live in reality I survive, they failed.
It helps me to remember and I use the term YOU rhetorically here for
anyone who would try to suggest that I am other than normal or doing it wrong
-- IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK; ALL THAT MATTERS IS WHAT THEY DID TO ME!
This is autonomy, this is survival -- this is healing.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Developing Awareness
One activity I found
helpful was to intentionally set aside some time on a regular basis to
prayerfully listen to what was going on inside me. I would often begin by
inviting God’s loving Spirit to provide the guidance, courage, humility and
grace I needed. And I would invite God to simply show me whatever I needed to
see. Then I would wait quietly.
After a few minutes
of quiet, I would journal whatever came to me in this time of quiet, whether it
was a painful memory or a sense of God’s presence or complete silence. I would
also try to stay alert to whatever else might come to me throughout the day. I
would journal about whatever I sensed I was being shown, even when it was
painful to do so.
Write whatever comes
to mind
Today was a difficult yet fruitful day. The fruit was at the
end and the pain was at the beginning. I awaken as I most often do with
constant self-criticism. Criticism in the form of emotion, shame, fear betrayal
– how can you say and believe these things about your own family, your going to
get fired nobody loves you you are a loser. I hate you. Who hates me? Me. The
judge hates the wounded self and does its best to express this self-hatred
through constant criticism and doubt and
fear of losing everything because that is what you deserve you sexually
experienced child. Nothing about not blaming self just constant self blame.
Projecting criticism as if it is coming from my boss and those I don’t even
know. You are not good enough why try you are not fooling anyone. Give up give up give up you fool. This
weekend I realized another part. One of the first I identified. The adult me
that was born from the abuse. The one that tries to please by being something
I’m not. The good straight laced man who is void of creativity and joy.
Self-criticism constant in the morning did not give way save
briefly as I realized that IU was more than competent at work. Then I realized
that the whole of my life has been a song of grief and that I am only starting
to live now.
Criticism was projected as if it were coming from my boss
even though and after he called to tell me I was doing a good job.
It was therapy day. My second session with a clinical
psychologist a trauma specialist, I have
hired for emdr. We have not gotten to the emdr yet and I am anxious to get
started.
In the office still getting to know each other, he wants me
to feel safe before we start the emdr the trauma work. I am not safe, I am not self-actualizing, but he doesn’t
know this he seems smarter than most and
stands up for himself too. He is able to do this without diminishing me.
There and in fornt of him I extended genuine compassion to
woundednes. I wonder if on my own with
God I have gone as far as I can. I talked about how much I hate woundedness the
seat of those feelings of being a sexually experienced child this whole group
of emotions that used to remain balled up undifferentiated inside me like a ball of fire like being on fire on the
inside. Now is free and to a degree differentiated these are the feelings of
the wounded child part ego state this is the very nature the self of
woundedness what they did to me although the judge is also born from their evil
abuse. I realized that woundedness is a
part of me that split off at 10 years old split by the power of criticism
pushed deep inside of me the emotions the images the memories all the
constructs of the wounded child that neesds to be healed. Needs to be healed and
deserves the best healing available, hence the compassion. Woundedness as well
as the judge hates its very being although it was not born of God but of the
perpetrators it hates their evil and what they did and its very being. But
acknowledgment is compassion Acknowledging the reality of this sexually
experienced 9 yeAR OLD WITHOUT THE JUDGE THIS IS COMPASION. He will be free to
leave once the woundeness is completely remembered felt and integrated not
through a cognitive process of repression although the pushing in side the
pushing away the compartmentalization via criticism of woundedness of self was
quite ingenious for a then 10 year old boy. Sleeping with the next door
neighbor best friend who had moved into the vacant house next door the one with
the garage the one in which the woman who bore me molested me my brother and
two sisters and four neighbor children ranging in age from 9 to 5.
I also remembered in therapy today about going to my
gradparents and how they were so revered in our family and yet they were child
moplesters. I remember being sent there now and just laying on the bed crying
uncontrollably for a long time what a disonace for being someplace that we were
all supposed to like to go, why? Because they would molest me. And when I returned
home I remembered that ebing sent there and crying on the bed was the norm this
wasn’t just a single exception.
It can also be
helpful to regularly give voice to our judgmental self, our wounded self and
our compassionate self. We can do this by quietly observing, and writing down,
what we sense is going on with each of these parts of us. The value of such an
exercise is that we begin to clarify internal dynamics and develop a greater
sense of choice about what goes on inside. When we give voice to the judgmental
self, we begin to hear how harsh we can be with ourselves and others, and where
this harshness can lead us. When we give voice to our wounded self, we begin to
finally allow this part of ourselves, which has had very little voice, to speak
so that this part of us begins to be heard and seen in new ways. And as we give
voice to the compassionate part of ourselves, we begin to strengthen a part of
ourselves that has been virtually nonexistent.
What is going on with
my judgmental self?
Invoked all day. No matter what I did. Almost stooped me
from letting my boss know what I was working on. A request he made last Friday.
But I gave him a status anyway. I have a lot to do. And all are doable maybe
not by everyone but by me. So this is
compassion extended to the judgmental part the certain knowledge that I am
doing the right thing and can do all this hard stuff, and that I have done it
all before. The judge was voiced all the
day long, but received comparison via observation ownership and
acknowledgement. The straight and square self or part is that self that developes
out of the judge by acting according to the judge by takking the judge to heart
not by realizing that the criticisms from the judge are untrue unfounded
and and designed to at once keep
woundedness at bay and again to keep me from becoming my true self from
integration healing and wholeness. So while woundeness is a manifestation of
the abuse and developed and took control by pushing woundeness away and deep
inside in an attempt to heal by denying woundeness and who wouldn’t want to
deny such an awful hideous thing, this opoor child why do I feel like thois I
don’t want to have sex but if I don’t I will not be loved and if I do I will be
loved and esteemed by the most important people and closestest adults to me.
Jesus has been healing this from the beginning as I never lost my faith. I have
walked away and cook other avenues but never against Jesus the person of God the Son of the
trinity. So the [art the disintegration
the separateness of woundedness and the Judge were born from the judge strongly
pushing away that which I hate childhood sexual abuse and my survivor part the
wounded self. The straight self the flat self was born from taking the judge’s
criticism to heart. Can you imagine a person like this believing and acting according
to the constant criticism.
What is going on with
my wounded self?
My wounded self is losing fear of coming out. I think some
of this is I am no longer putting up with the abuse from the 12 step cult
religion. I am not adding the critics of being an alcoholic / addict and the
daily negative self labingng from these groups as well as the abuse systemic.
in these fellowships that gives woundedness room to be loved by my deeper inner
child before the abuse.
In therapy I was able to remember my gosh aa was actually
hindering my healing from csa by allowinf t=for woundeness to emerge due to the
extra criticism. That supports the judge
this buikld up leads to wundeness coming out not in a safe compassionate way
but to seek love and affection the way
he was conditioned too.
What is going on with
my observant-compassionate self?
He grows stronger with help and a safe place to come out
therapy now is very important. Talking about these parts and the abuse with
someone who is trained in psychology and not having to battle with 12 steppers
everyday is much more conducive to healing it is more painful but real progress
is being made,. There is now room for compassion where there was none there
compassion is now valued instead of ridiculed. My gosh what did I let these
people do to me these 12 steppers.
As we develop a
growing awareness of each of these internal states, we do well to develop a
growing awareness also of the dynamics between these three parts of ourselves.
We might ask ourselves from time to time some of the following questions.
What happens when the
judge is in charge?
Judgement constant critcism even projecting criticism as if
it comes from oter swhen they have not criticized me at all. This inhibits me
it casues me to hesitate it casues me to do things based on getting attention
and wel no that I think of it love. Yes recognition for doing my job is also
mistaken for love.
It then causes me not to do things because what’s the use
anyway they wont be right so I hold back sometimes when I have the answer shame
is my first response to everything though I have learned to compensate for this
I still have to take the time to compensate.
What happens to our
wounded self?
He will try to emrge and seek love in response to the
criticsm r he will think I cant do it I will never amount to anything im ugly
why try?
What happens to our
compassionate self?
Now judgements are a signal for compassion to take the focus
to a clue to extend compassion to myself this is a tough and wearisome battle
though. As I still the judge still hates woundness and both judgement and
woundedness have been stronger than copasion.
And what happens to
our behaviors and choices–how we treat ourselves and how we treat others–when
the judge is in charge?
I do not give all sometimes I am frozen in the conflict
between judgement two types or results of judgement being compelled to stad=nd
out and toot my horn and knowing that if I do it will surely hurt me not in the
way you think but the fact that I wont stand out at all I will just giove tyhem
my bosses readon to criticize me.
What happens when the
wounded self is in charge?
I now get quite and compasinte
What happens to the
judging part of ourselves?
He now quiets
What happens to the
compassionate part of ourselves?
He now is invoked to love and show compasion for woundedness
What happens to our
behavior and our choices?
I sit and want to love my woundedness in awe of both what
they did to me nd how I have survivied it all I grive for woundedness
What happens when the
observing, compassionate self is in charge?
Invoked compassion is an element of grief.
What happens when our
wounded self feels heard and loved by this part of ourselves?
A sort of melancholy. Pain the beginning of loving myself
What happens when the
judge is also heard and loved by this part of ourselves?
I sit and the judge quiets but I see reality compassion
takes the form of grief now . this is a logical stance for compassion to take.
Compassionate grief for my wounded part or self.
What happens to our
internal world?
Everythign slows down and there is time only for greif this
can be a dance between compassion epitomized by grief, woundedness as he
recives love through sompainate grief and the judge who also recives the sme
compassion and love as compassion tkes control
What happens to our
external world of behaviors and interactions with others?
I withdraw and don’t do much eternally. The
judge sets in and I become motivated by a not being good enough and b
criticized into work kest the things odevelopin Awareness
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