Growing Up In An Incest Ring: Raped By My Parents (Part 2)

Last time I wrote about memories unlocked from trauma therapy using EMDR, I went into some of the details of being molested in what I thought was one on one molestation by my mother. My father’s involvement was minimized

After sessions the last two weeks it has become apparent that my father was a full participant. He was involved as much as my mother in both my individual abuse, s well as the rape,  of my brothers and sisters.  

This is how it worked. Mom would pick me out of bed and begin the fondling, which is a polite word for tactile rape.    Children below the age of consent when stripped nude by nude sexually aroused adults are tactiley raped. That is childhood rape, and that is what my mother and father did to me between the ages of 2 and 9, as well as, to my younger brother and two younger sisters. Children blow the age consent, which is 16 in most states can’t give consent. We also have nether developed physically mentally to experience sexuality. Thus it is tactile rape which brings and evil stimulation and arousal to the perpetrators, how in their rape are the only ones engaging their sexuality.  

When I was between the ages of 2 and 4 I was also pre verbal. That mean not only could I not give consent to what was being done to my body, nor mentally and emotionally did I have a sense of what consent was, what sex was and what boundaries are, that I could not verbally express the experience nor did I have the cognitive ability to realize consciously what was being done to me. I experienced the abuse emotionally and physically but could not consciously express the abuse through thought and language.  This lead to cognitive dissonance as a child and repression through dissociation.  It also leads to nonverbal reliving of the abuse experience both as a child and as an adult re-living the abuse experience know as re-enactment at a non-verbal level is robotic – it occurs at uncontrollable times and without free will choice of the abused child.  Therapy coupled with anti-anxiety medicine benzodiazepines, which have a long history of use and effectiveness in combating anxiety are useful for the duration of therapy

So this is how it would work. Mom would call me into her room. I would e told to come into her bed, robotically I complied. She would be stripped naked and then she would strip me. It would always began with conversation because although compliant I was reluctant I would be warned that I would be killed in some heinous way abandoned or she would stop molesting me and pick my brother or sister. This type if warning invoked my protective nature of the smaller children as I was the eldest and felt it better for me to suffer the abuse than they.

After being stripped and coerced in to compliance by violent abusive talk I would be touched all over chest nipples genitals until whew s sufficiently aroused to go down on me or give me oral sex.

Inevitably after a period of this type of over tactile stimulation I would at first be titillated and then in pain, and then my father would come home and join us in bed. I would be told to do the same things to my father that my mother had been doing to me including rubbing his chest licking his nipples and giving him oral sex meaning taking his penis into his mouth.  It was more and more painful and repugnant for me as they became more and more aroused.

Eventually when they were done with me when they were sufficiently aroused. I would be dismissed to go back to my room, as my brother and sisters either lay in bed anxiously or scurried back into their beds as I climbed in to mine, hurt physically and mentally and exhausted.

The exhaustion helped the repression as did the cognitive dissonance of having to go to Catholic school next day, and act as if nothing had happened even though I was called by my parents a little whore who would go to hell.

This was the regular routine of my life during formative years and yet there was more rape and humiliation at the hands of others simultaneously from my mother and maternal grandparents during my life as a child in an incest ring.  

Copyright Fred Celio 2916

Other Blogs by Fred Celio
Childhood: Raped by My Parents

My Initial Incest Experience
My Initial Incest Experience Part 2
The Garage Next Door
A Cup of Coffee
The Second Step in 12 Step Cult Indoctrination: Sexual Assualt At Sober Living Environments, or Clean and Sober Living Homes

Survive Childhood Sexual Abuse: The next step in 12 Step Cult Indoctrination After Rehab: Sexual Assault At Sober Living Environments or Clean and Sober living Homes

Survive Childhood Sexual Abuse: The next step in 12 Step Cult Indoctrination After Rehab: Sexual Assault At Sober Living Environments or Clean and Sober living Homes

Survive Childhood Sexual Abuse: The next step in 12 Step Cult Indoctrination After Rehab: Sexual Assault At Sober Living Environments or Clean and Sober living Homes

Survive Childhood Sexual Abuse: The next step in 12 Step Cult Indoctrination After Rehab: Sexual Assault At Sober Living Environments or Clean and Sober living Homes

The next step in 12 Step Cult Indoctrination After Rehab: Sexual Assault At Sober Living Environments or Clean and Sober living Homes

This story begins several years ago when I started staying or living in sober living environments SLEs. So It’s a combined story on the ineffectiveness of the dominant “treatment in the country aa or the 12 step cult religions and sexual assault. As a man one might think the old cliche that it is difficult for me to speak of sexual assault but the truth an d wrongs have never been difficult for me to speak about. It is only repression of the unspeakable       that stops me from speaking, and even that repression doesn’t keep me from knowing right from wrong and speaking from a place of righteousness and truth.  The truth is sex between non consenting individuals is wrong. It is violence and not sex at all for sex to be sex it must be consensual. People who don’t understand this don’t have a sex problem nor are they sick they are evil because they don’t know right from wrong.

I began staying in Sober Living Environments (SLEs) because I thought I was an alcoholic/addict and they were inexpensive. I bought into the 12 step cult religions value that sticking together promoted sobriety or staying clean etc. So I stayed in many when I could not afford a normal and safe place to live. I did not realize that in addition to other things SLEs serve to isolate those newly indoctrinated into the cult.  They are cult houses and are miniatures of the program the meetings themselves, with all the same issues as with the fellowship meetings, sexual assault is common as is abuse psychological emotional and verbal. All done to support the tearing down of the individual which is the beginning of the indoctrination process for any cult. Even though alcoholism/addiction are considered by many to be medical conditions and courts regularly assign people to the meetings and the SLEs; these are self-regulated, which means they are unregulated cult indoctrination habitats, usually the second step after initial rehab in the indoctrination process.

Safety is important to me because I am not an alcoholic or addict at all, in fact I don’t think that these things exist as the terms have not to this date been precisely defined. They certainly don’t apply to me and never have. I am an incest survivor since the age of 2 years sexually abused by all the adults ii my extended family. My mother, my father, my maternal grandfather and my maternal grandmother all molested me on a regular basis between the ages of 2 and 9. When I sought help for this 31 years ago, before I knew what had happened, what these people had done to me, I was looking for an assessment that I had be sexually abused that is, I sought help. I was not listened to or assessed, but was immediately indoctrinated into 12 step cult religion. I showed up for counseling because I was cheating on my wife did not know why, wanted to stop and could not. So, I sought help. I was assigned to a CADC whom I paid 60.00 a week for the privilege of telling me to go to AA.NA/SLAA meetings.   He was a Certified Alcohol and Drug counselor (CADC) and I had no idea why I was seeing him. He also had a PhD in micro biology, but for some reason did not have a job in his field, although the designation was prominently displayed on his shingle.  Why he was not working in his field, I do not know.

For some reason he was shamelessly promoting the 12 step cult religion and charging people to do it. Go to AA, go to AA, go to AA that is all he ever said. I was not given a chance to be heard or to be assessed as to what was going on with me and why I was there seeking help. These things were never addressed. I didn’t know what at a CADC was and he didn’t bother explaining his credentials. Eventually against my will, and in order to please him, to comply with his demands, I went to the NA meeting near San Jose City College and my indoctrination began. Right off the bat I was with lower companions, all of whom knew more than I did about the cult, and were all to happy to have fresh meat to indoctrinate.  I had no idea about what was going on in the meeting or the jargon, but fell for the faux friendship – the love bombing.  For an incest survivor love bombing feels exceedingly good, particularly from strangers, as relatives are automatically suspect and mistrusted by incest survivors. 

Fast forward it 20 years and I became habituated to seeking and staying in SLEs.

I was sexually assaulted at three different SLEs, but that didn’t keep me from seeking them out when I need a place to stay. There’s a conclusion to be drawn from this which is probably not the one you are jumping to at this moment.

The first assault occurred at D and A Detox in Sacramento. There was a woman who I later found out was a regular, who used to like to come in periodically to detox. She would give the male residents blow jobs in their sleep. I awakened to see her doing this. I repressed the memory immediately as a knee-jerk reaction because, well, after all 12 step detoxes are safe places.

The next time was in Pasadena a few years ago. I awakened from a day nap so I awakened more fully present.  I still don’t like sleeping during the day.  I awakened and this older man who just arrived was did ling my penis through my pants until I ejaculated. I awakened and was fully present as he was in the act, I got him immediately removed from the house to a more suitable group home.

The final time was recently Feb 28 of this year when I was awakened from my sleep during the night. About half awake and half asleep. That’s the way my original incest experiences occurred, so being awakened in this manner while being assaulted was familiar to me. My roommate Roger we were two to a room was in my bed sodomizing me as I awakened.  Still not fully awake, I pushed him off into his own bed and repressed the whole matter.

Connie House 2526 Connie Dr. Sacramento Ca 95815

The problem is I could not deny the rectal bleeding that occurred the next day and for weeks after. Nor could I deny the return of the memory after doing my next session of EMDR. Remembering repressed emotions and memories is extremely difficult and painful.  But after this session I had the complete memory of being sexually assaulted by Roger my roommate at Connie house on 2526 Connie Dr. Unit 3. The house is owned by  Mitch Davenport,  I went to the emergency room, actually I ended up there three times due to rectal bleeding, and I made a police report implicating Roger as my sexual assailant.

Another issue I noticed with Connie House is Mich's scam of renting beds at a full month's rent, and then finding some reason to dismiss resident after two weeks, and then re renting their bed again at the full monthly price plus security deposit, which is never returned, immediately. This is a pattern I observed living at Connie house for a few months. One poor resident whom Mich dismissed without cause blew his head off with a shot gun.  Mitch himself had the bad taste to show up at his funereal.

A friend has advised me to avoid staying at SLEs in the future.

This review is completely untrue. http://interventionamerica.org/listing.cfm?Drug_Rehab_ID=14079&Ph 

 http://onefatherslove.com/Clean_and_Sober_Living_in_Sacramento_CA
There is no onsite manager. Mitch Davenport davenport takes a month's rent plus and then finds an excuse to lock residents out based on gossip without so much as a test. He then re-rents their bed the next day thus collecting two months worth or rent per bed per month, this is stdard procedure for Connie house and Mitch Davenport




Copyright Fred Celio 2016

Read More:
My Initial Incest Expereince
My Initial Incest Experience (Part 2)
A Cup of Coffee
Poem I Tiger
Poem: Angry Words
The Victim Mentality
Junita Ryan: Recovery From Childhood Trauma
Pay It Backwords

Survive Childhood Sexual Abuse: Genuine Humanity and Healing

Survive Childhood Sexual Abuse: Genuine Humanity and Healing

Genuine Humanity and Healing

John 3:8New International Version (NIV)

8 The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”

Question

I just get up in the morning and take it from there. I'm usually quite happy as long as im not hormonal or anxious. Its unrealistic to think you can be blissful all the time. That's just daft. But there are programs and some kinds of new age beliefs systems that promise this kind of stuff. Well it works well if that's your belief system and things are going good in your life but when life takes a turn these kinds of belief systems are disastrous because the person blames themselves.

Response

I understand what you are saying and can empathize, although I always awaken with anxiety, even when things are going well, this is a product of my abuse/trauma experiences, which occurred at night and left me with no memory but the anxiety I the morning. I think that anxiety is an indicator of repression as is depression. I think though to be an authentic human being I must experience all emotions as the occur. I do not believe in negative emotions putting a value judgement on an emotion to me is like comparing a healthy redwood with a healthy eucalyptus. One may prefer one to the other; this preference may even change on different days , but the fact is they are and the can be appreciated. With emotions this is this time taken to appreciate the existence of a tree is called processing. While admiring a tree may be a luxury for some, processing emotions is a necessity of genuine humanity. Watching the waves of the sea is the best analogy I have found for describing the play of emotions within a human being. They are many and different and ebb and flow as they well they crest and valley as they will. To not notice this sea of emotions within us and react appropriately is to not be fully human. I think the goal of must new age religions, and I have found them to be mostly variations of Hinduism invite us to sea the ocean while ignoring the waves. Additionally, this is onr of the fundamental flaws of cognitive psychology v. constructivism. Pax Christi

Copyright Fred Celio 2016

More from Survive Childhood Sexual Abuse
Just Say No To The 12 Step Cult Religions
Raped By My Parents
Leave The Past In The Past

Just say No to the 12 Step Cult Religions

I am convinced that deeper research will reveal that people drink to relive the trauma in order to understand the trauma.  Drinking actually blocks out the noise ie everything but the trauma. The noise needs to be blocked out so the trauma can be reenacted that is relived heard, felt, re-experienced.  When abuse occurs at the pre-verbal phase of childhood the reenactment is nonverbal and without cognition as with those who were raped before they had verbal ability and the ability to form cognitions of the abuse experiences.

The use of substances to drown the din of background noise – repression – is not limited to pre-verbal abuse survivors, but is also the reason post verbal survivors use drugs and alcohol. Even post verbal childhood rape victims will use repression techniques such as dissociation to relieve the cognitive dissonance the defines much of the abuse experience. War and hostage survivors may also use drugs and alcohol not to alleviate the pain of the trauma, but again to reduce the din of repression so that the pain can be felt can be remembered. Remember occurs trauma is when individuals experience emotions in a degree and intensity that is of the scale off the chart in terms of experiencing and processing in real time and even in terms of processing without the use of specific trauma technics such as EMDR or somatic healing etc.  One of the ways trauma survivors try to heal themselves is through the use of drugs and alcohol in a non-therapeutic environment. However far from easing the pain this allows the pain to be felt and re-experienced and to be processed It is a form of therapy and could be a reason why many simply grow out of this phase of their lives.

Substance use should not be construed here to mean problematic use nor excessive use or use of excessive amounts, to dull the din that clouds the ability of the mind to focus on the abusive/traumatic experience while relieving the repression mechanisms requires only a moderate use of substances.  Often times this moderate use produces reactions that appear to mimic what the ill-informed have come to associate with heavy or problematic use  in a no, which causes the survivors to be labeled with pejorative terms having social stigmas such as alcoholics or addicts. Nothing could be further from the truth nor more harmful to the healing of trauma survivors. The use of these terms produces shame which the survivor already carries heavy reservoir. Additionally, this causes the survivor to once again negate their own experience and be tracked and treated like alcoholics or addict’s in modern society.

After exhibiting such reliving of the abuse experience many survivors are labeled as alcoholics or addicts but are threatened or coerced into going into treatment or rehab that they have not requested against their denial. These rehabs tend to be based on the 12 step religious cult model predominately as over 90% of rehabs use this inappropriate model. While the ineffectiveness of the 12 step cult religions to deal with substances issues has been well documented in the scientific community in recent years, abuse/trauma survivors are particularly susceptible to the cult value of conformity, surrender of will and objectification through sponsorship and the false social hierarchy that develops in these cults based on clean or sober time. Remember for abuse/trauma survivors drinking and using is therapeutic allowing traumatic emotions to be processed. Because of this complete absence prompted by the 12 step religious cults is impossible and not therapeutic.  This holds true in particular for the pre-verbal trauma survivor who in addition to have built-up heavy fortresses of repression based completely on emotionally scaffolding available at the ages when the abuse occurred. They do not have the coexistence of cognitive abilities to help break through the repression understand the abuse and describe it. Cognition is not available to them for reliving and thus explain verbally and thoughtfully their experiences.  

Additionally, trauma survivors tend to be extremely vulnerable and sensitive and thus easy prey for cults of all kinds. The indoctrination technique practiced by the 12 step cult religions of approaching a survivor at their most vulnerable period and threaten them with death on the one hand if they don’t comply and join the cult, while promising love, care and attention on the other if they do comply and join the cult is merely the next stage in re-enactment or reliving the abuse experience for trauma survivors, that is, it offers the an opportunity to have their needs met if only the comply with the cult indoctrination formula. Even the most resilient of survivors will give in during these vulnerable times with very little persuasive and promotion from the cult indoctrinators.  Survivors at this low poin will do or say or comply with most anything in return for a little companionship and the promise of life long “acceptance.” Once having succumbed to the promotional pressure of the cult whether it be one on one two on one or particularly in a rehab situation where a survivor has already traded their freedom to have their needs met, survivors will jump in wholeheartedly. Some will actually trade freedom and healing for the cult religion particularly if they are part of the 4 – 5% who quit drinking and/or using. Many will not get clean and sober right away and will endure years, decades of emotional, verbal and sexual abuse to finally make it in the cult, being all the more committed to cult concepts and ashamed of themselves because it took them so long not so much to recover but to fit in and thus get IT.

Of course the absence of drinking and using without doing the painful work of remembering and absorbing the abuse will not heal the survivor will leave them minions, children of the cult believing that since their needs are met by the cult that they will survive, and mere survival is enough for a trauma victim.

I hope this short paper will illustrate the insidiousness of the 12 step cult religions that pose as drug and alcohol treatment in the Unties States, as well as reveal the sociability and suffering of some of the most innocent causalities of the war on drugs.  

Copyright Fred Celio 2016


Read More
Raped by My Parents
Systemic Abuse of Alcoholics Anonymous and Other 12 Step Cults
Stanford and Nero-biology
Pete Walker Phil Carnes and The Industry of Survivor Exploitation
The Garage Next Door