This Week In Review

This  is an online journal of the week or so.  Two or so weeks ago I had some memories bubble up concerning my Grandfather, or more precisely my incubation's step father. This man who sodomized me at least twice.   Once, when I was 4 years old and then again when I was 7.  At least these are the times I can say for sure.  There may be other incidences, I would be surprised if there were not.  However he did have other children to chose from my brother and two sisters.

The memory that reached the surface first was that of him sodomizing me the actual penetration.  This is important because anything I have amnesia about anything buried in the subconscious has the power to hurt me or in my case cause me to put myself into situations of reliving the trauma.  I do not want to be in these situations.

The physical memory of the actual penetration.  I can remember it even now as I write these words. He came to my bed when I was four and staying with he and my grandmother in Arizona.

My sister was there.  She partially corroborated the experience,  but does not want the memory. So, she continues to deny it in favor of supporting the false family structure that everything is ok.  I for speaking the truth am the out cast. No everyone has the ability to look that deeply and acknowledge the truth.  The healing path I am on  is not something I would wish on anyone.

I was 4 years old and my sister was 3 years old.  I know she witnessed the end of the story, and I think he  grandpa on another night molested her.  Yes that is an image I already had.  This one of his nude body from the back at the place I think where my sister was sleeping came up when I was doing some EMDR work several years ago.

But the memory I had this past two weeks was of the feeling of the penetration at that age. I awakened to it, and I know that the strokes hurt and the between strokes allowed a little relief   But as I was fast asleep when he assaulted me and my defense mechanism is amnesia I am satisfied with the memory the feeling and the knowledge the memory the re-experience of the penetration.  I must have become fully awake as he was molesting me. Being awakened by sexual assault is a terrorizing way to wake up.   Also, there is the terror of the things he whispered in my ear the names he called me and the things he whispered in my ear. It is a testament to my strength  I refuse here to refer to myself in the third person the sanitized little boy and to say that my kid was scared.  I was the one being assaulted in criminal fashion. By a criminal.  The fact that I knew and loved the man enters into it, but it was scary none the less.  I do remember that I remembered  because the next day i told my grandmother of the experience  and was water boarded until I passed out  in reward for my honesty.  Again she was screaming hideous things that I was for relating the experience to her. It was at that point not the original molestation that the amnesia set in.  This amnesia was a mechanism of the mind could be fully.  I cannot now attest it to the workings of the neurological system in a fashion that may have damaged them in the future   this is due to the fact that as I grew I was able to remember do well in studies.  And I have the ability to remember the experience now.  The memories the amnesia locked the memories away in the subconscious. this I cannot say is a physical mechanism but mental.

With the memory of the actual penetration from the sodomy or shortly after bubbled up the emotions from the experience   These were a shame so deep as i have never experienced before. Shame itself is distinct from guilt in severity and the self-loathing as well as the fact that while guilt is associated and a normal response to doing something wrong.  shame and its depth are not associated with doing something wrong but with being it is an emotion of being.  At this age it went to the core of who i am. and it this initial experience is linked to the underlying sense of shame I have had my entire life.  shame is not about doing that is guilt, shame is about being. being hideous and worthless that is shame  and that is my initial reaction into to adulthood to anything any feeling any external stimuli.  I have learned to deal with it and dismiss it in a very quick manner depending on my internal state and the degree to which the external stimulus is guilt provoking.  shame and guilt are linked in kind but about in degree or depth or the object of.  The object of guilt is external. The object of shame is the self. the being.  So this is the source of my shame.

Two weeks later another memory that I was not prepared for came to the level of consciousness. I have known that my mother who shall forever be known as the incubator for many years.  i even had the memory of her molesting me and the neighbor children in the vacant home to ours next door to the house on Buckingham Way 5702 E. Buckingham Way in Fresno, Ca. This occurred when i was nine and marked the final event in the sexual abuse, but not the physical, emotional and verbal. I wonder what would have happened if monseigneur O'Brien had lived. He did put a stop to the abuse and then died shortly thereafter. I wonder if the abuse would have been reported at that time and would have come to light and I would have been able to get some immediate help with the trauma   Anyway that is not what happened the trauma and the memories remained buried in amnesia.

The images I have are of being in the bath and in the bed with my mother as she orally stimulated me stroked my private parts and generally molested me.  I think yes at some point there was actual intercourse with her. Third was generally kind and loving unlike the attacks of my grandfather if such terms can be used to describe the hideous   Actually the were soothing and comforting not kind and loving. If you cannot tell I am all for the precise use of words. As a write words are what are contained on my palate. The emotional memory from this experience are all about my feelings toward the incubator.

These emotions are complex and multilayerd like a ball they are wrapped in warmth.  But it is a warmth not of not of joy and happiness as I would think most people feel towards their mother But a sad hideous warmth layered with betray and loneliness   i cannot completely separate loneliness from betrayed.  I must take a break here as there is terror due to the things whispered in my ear if I talk about these things.  also, there terror that a child feels when he knows he is surrounded by criminals who are trying to teach him right from wrong. Every child wants the adults in his life to be good and sees them that way and if they are not he will blame himself for this this itself creates a degree of shame. Plus if he/she knows it is not true this is terrorizing. I think I shall come back correct this and post it more later.  

Judge Me Not

Do not judge me by your standards. 

Unless your standards include the empathy necessary to transmute the social consciousness to accommodate a restructuring of thought feeling and action.  

Collectively society must go through what we go through as individuals.

If this consciousness raising does not occur within the allotted time, we will most assuredly destroy ourselves. 

This is the great adventure as history unfolds or implodes into the future.  

What is past is present.  

What is future is passed. 

At this specific point in time, it is not me.  

I have been a lightening rod for pain, and with this extraordinary abilities (gifts).  

or as my photo 

I am the blind man aimlessly reaching for any comfort he can grasp. 

Copyright 2013 Fred Celio

If I Ever Loved

"If I ever loved a woman, the more I loved her, the more I wanted to hurt her. Frida was only the most obvious victim of this disgusting trait."  Diego Rivera (1886-1957)

Fred Celio

Time is more valuable than diamonds.  Is it worth more than truth, so many treat it thus ...

If I ever loved a woman hurting her would be the last thing I would want to do.  The more I loved her the less I would want her to be even slightly inconvienced, even for her not having to deal with life's mundane, the less I would want to impinge on who she really is. And yet to be loved back to know the same is like a dream. I trust it to be true.  This is who I am.  

Regardless of what happened to me I have emerged intact this way. And yet there are times when remembering -- the unconscious subconscious drive to know the truth has taken precedence. It  is not what it seems or has been judged to be.  It is a form of rugged, brutal, heartless, no holds barred therapy (similar to the original abusive acts themselves) a descent for the mind through the most hideous terrifying threats to myself and others into the core of the truth of what they did. It is the ultimate form of Christian therapy. Not the form but the result. 

It is a journey through the heart of darkness into that place in the soul where the truth has been kept for safe keeping. If it hurt anyone who loved me in return well then, if you love me you will see it for what it was, not as it looks.  Is it too much to ask? Well it is what I am asking. To see it any other way is a lie. Far from what others have said, Jesus never left my side. Exposing the truth to the light. 

There is no explanation needed for the truth only room for misjudgment. My flaw? I love as deeply as I have been hurt. Any character any virtues any value any knowledge of right from wrong are gifts from God.  I certainly did not get them from TV or the ring in which I "grew up" or more precisely escaped from.

My frustration? I cannot redeem the time. Only God can. It remains an unremitting Juggernaut through this "garden" to the end. 

Copyright 2013 Fred Celio

Love Conquers All

Time like love can only be given.  If the soul is eternal then love is thus in the end it conquers evil.  We know this for remain these three -- faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.  I do not like tears, I do not like them Sam I am.

The woman is in the position of submission, giving all that she is in love.  Ready for love giving all that she is to the beloved in love. Not an easy or simple moment for a person of depth and independence -- a fully human and sensitive being.  The beloved while acknowledging the moment, accepts the love but not the submission, and offers the same -- for that is love.  

The wave washes away the moment for a time.  The wave washes away all for the beloved for a time.  It is not disease, but evil -- it's legacy. Profound evil for that is the only thing that could wash away this moment from the beloved even temporarily. 

The beloved/lover himself, must go into the darkness and slay the evil.  For this he is like love's champion riding the white horse -- although unrecognizable in battle.  What then has the battle wrought?  The slaying of evil sure, but what cost the battle?  Time -- what was lost in Eden -- cannot be slayed or mastered. Time the Juggernaut of reality cannot be kept in a bottle.

Copyright 2013 Fred Celio

Addictions

“The high rate of addictions among incest survivors occurs for two reasons. First, chemical use/abuse/addiction serves a survival purpose. It numbs pain, & creates a sense of aliveness or excitement for one who may feel “dead” inside. Also, each disorder may provide a secondary & specific protection: for instance, fat provides a sense of protection from exposing raw nerves to and unsafe world.” Secret Survivors by E. Sue Blume

This is an older book which I have not read.  I  do have some issues with the quote.   First the term addictions which is metaphorical and used to describe a host of symptoms manifested in the survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA).  Addiction even as metaphor is an inherently pejorative term with stigma. Also when thus defeined these symptoms are then miss interpreted as primary rather than read as sign posts or symptoms of  CSA.  Thus the CSA is ignored.

So many survivors I have observed get caught up in "programs" the purpose of which is to treat the  so called addiction using a behavioralist approach. These 12 step "programs" up shaming and blaming the victim for the symptom or behavior that is not primary and is in fact, when interpreted correctly and particularly when multiple symptoms or "addictions are present, sign posts of CSA.

Often once the "addiction" is overcome the tendency for the survivor of CSA is to remain in such "programs" and celebrate their "recovery."  So the 12 step "programs" provide yet another avenue for the survivor to avoid and deny the real issue of CSA.  Thus these "programs" as well as the miss interpretation for the symptoms or miss diagnosis of the symptoms as primary deny the survivor the process of healing that is really being called out for by the symptoms. The 12 step "recovery programs" become methods of retruamatization for the survivor.

 which remains hidden, since nobody in these "programs" wants to hear about anyway.  Such "fellowships" can also be a safe harbor for perpetrators since "they deserve to overcome their addictions" as well.  Second the description of substance abuse as symptom is flat as well. I have already commented on the dubious quality of labeling substances abuse as "addiction" for the survivor.  Substance abuse can also be a way to remember what has been repressed or denied or uncovering the amnesia. And thus is a form not of self-medication but of self-therapy. Steering the anonymous -- the survivor who does not yet know he/she is a survivor to "programs"  that supposedly provide "recovery" from such addictions without empirical data to back up these claims denies the survivor the right the ability and the mechanism to see the "addiction"  outside the paradigm of the "program".  In addition to the evasion of the real issue the harboring of perpetrators these "recovery programs" can be harmful to the survivor in other ways.  The labeling so prevalent  in these "fellowships" the false hierarchies that develop can be shaming for the survivor.  Also so many survivor having overcome one addiction shuffle off to other 12-step groups to deal with yet another "addiction" that has popped up. Thus the survivor can spend years treating addictions in a never ending shame spiral facilitated by "programs" for which there is no empirical data to support efficacy even of treating the symptom in the first place, and which provides safe harbor for perpetrators who think they are safe sharing their perpetration stories from the very podium. the survivor is indoctrinated to  revere, particularly if the perpetrator is ranked high in the hierarchy of time.  Thus one more time the survivor is discounted and objectified.  What madness is this?  Some fellowships actually encourage behavior that is symptomatic of the survivor of CSA. For example, Narcotics Anonymous  celebrates  honors and encourages sexual promiscuity.  There is really nothing good nor any place in the literature for applying the term addiction to any of the symptoms manifested by the survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  In fact it is harmful to do so.

Eliminating Shame

One of the biggest difficulties I have had as a survivor, and this was true before I knew I was a survivor, is the elimination of shame.  If existentially and by observation, as I have concluded, shame is a learned behavior, then it can be overcome by unlearning it.  Unlearning is a matter of identifying behaviors and scenarios that invoke the shame -- triggers -- and using some method to remove it. The shame not the triggers because they will always be there. The thing is to disarm the triggers.

Shame invades all aspects of my life.  My first reaction to anything good or bad is a shame reaction.  Whether that shame is slight only momentarily hardly detectable or whether it lasts and leads to a spiral, my first reaction to any event or human interaction-- almost every human interaction -- is shame.  This is a legacy of child abuse and child sexual abuse.  It requires identification and effort to remove as it occurs, and as my story is told and retold eventually it will not be a reaction.

The past few days, I have found myself nearing or even entering a shame spiral.  I can feel myself reacting and acting in ways engaging in behaviors and entertaining thoughts that have only lead to increased shame in the past.  A shame spiral can occur when there are successive events that produce shame to a degree and that the shame does not subside prior to the next shaming event occurring.   This can lead to a paralysis and the odd but true condition of being ashamed of being ashamed.

I do not qant to do this.  One reason is that I am in need right now.  Neediness can increase shame.   so, the trick is to stay out of neediness   Recently, I took a risk and left a place where I was doing good work internal work for a contract opportunity a long way from where I wanted to be.  I hesitate thought and prayed and concluded that the risk given my finances was worth it.   I took a risk going to the place I left in the first place and it was working out though not as quickly as I would have liked.

Today I have chosen to eschew shame and to not allow those back into my life who have caused the pain of shame in the first place.

So, what is this tendency?  Is it neediness and why do I reah out thus when I feel needy.  People have let me down, and recently I have decided not to lend any support ot the family strucyure in which I originate4d.  They molested me and almost killed me between the ages of 4 and 9. Instead of a cradle of love they were a cradle of hate objectifiying and discounting me to the point where it was more important to deny  the truth than to even let me live.  Do I understand abortion from the point of view of the unborn?


Shame cannot defeat me.  It never has.   I am not one to quit or give up.  It is debilitation and it can take a real hold, if I let it. The time for feeling shame is wasted the time to rid me of a shame incident is valued, but would be better used for something else.  it would be best just to forget it and push forward as if there were nothing to work though.  However, when thus ignored as most people can overlook things and push forward, with a survivor the time not sepnt identifying the roots of the shame and then pull it as if a weed is necessary, otherwise the shame that does not go away but is glossed over will come out in other ways as such as symptoms of abuse ptsd,

Symptoms can be anything from a mild dream or a full blown traumatic experience the truama triggered by the shame must come out and thus there are the symptoms of PTSD

In my own case the shame triggers a struggle, the struggle mimics the original traumatic experience that occurred as when I was sexually abused and shamed, but also when I was suffocated to the point of death and the preview of that was a struggle.  Imagine a four-year old boy hanging over a wash room sink feet not touching the ground, sink edge pressing sharply against the diaphragm water running inhibiting breathing from the nose and then of course mouth full of a fresh bar of lava soap.

At four years old struggling nightly against suffocation and death.  No big deal? A fight for life is always a big deal and anyone who would do that to a child is a criminal l.  There is no way to minimize it.  Although in my own mind I have always tried to do the same minimize it that is.

And this is what happened to me.  First I was approached in the night by a person I trusted my grandfather who sodomized me whispering in my ear only being half asleep it seemed more like shouting  Horrible things about my death which lead me to believe it was imminent with him inside me splitting me apart. The biggest cache of shame came when a recent memory bubbled to the surface.  That of the actual penetration. The feeling as it always does comes delayed after the actual image memory comes the feeling memory.  This image feeling memory came relatively quickly.  within minutes I was overwhelmed by a sense of sham a wave of sham such as even I have never before experienced. This lasted only minutes as the mind can only take so much.  Then ass I tied the feeling to  the memory however using the constructivist model that the mind does this.  I had release a few hours of actually being shame free or what I believed to be shame free -- how would I know. Also dirty nasty words about being a whore whatever that is. I have not told this story enough nor have I written it enough.  By exposing the truth to the light Jesus heals.

The next morning I greeted grandma with the story form the night before an was promptly punished with washing my mouth out with soap. or really suffocation   She took her stored anger all the anger she had from who knows where and vented it on me as the handiest object around.  that is exactly right, I was an object objectified First at night objectified for sexual pleasure and then the next morning an object on which to vent anger as if through a rock or a dish only I was the dish.

And yes there is more physical and sexual abuse.

Now I am angry that I have to spend time digging this nonsense out and exposing it to the light.

God does not give us crosses we cannot bear.