This is an online journal of the week or so. Two or so weeks ago I had some memories bubble up concerning my Grandfather, or more precisely my incubation's step father. This man who sodomized me at least twice. Once, when I was 4 years old and then again when I was 7. At least these are the times I can say for sure. There may be other incidences, I would be surprised if there were not. However he did have other children to chose from my brother and two sisters.
The memory that reached the surface first was that of him sodomizing me the actual penetration. This is important because anything I have amnesia about anything buried in the subconscious has the power to hurt me or in my case cause me to put myself into situations of reliving the trauma. I do not want to be in these situations.
The physical memory of the actual penetration. I can remember it even now as I write these words. He came to my bed when I was four and staying with he and my grandmother in Arizona.
My sister was there. She partially corroborated the experience, but does not want the memory. So, she continues to deny it in favor of supporting the false family structure that everything is ok. I for speaking the truth am the out cast. No everyone has the ability to look that deeply and acknowledge the truth. The healing path I am on is not something I would wish on anyone.
I was 4 years old and my sister was 3 years old. I know she witnessed the end of the story, and I think he grandpa on another night molested her. Yes that is an image I already had. This one of his nude body from the back at the place I think where my sister was sleeping came up when I was doing some EMDR work several years ago.
But the memory I had this past two weeks was of the feeling of the penetration at that age. I awakened to it, and I know that the strokes hurt and the between strokes allowed a little relief But as I was fast asleep when he assaulted me and my defense mechanism is amnesia I am satisfied with the memory the feeling and the knowledge the memory the re-experience of the penetration. I must have become fully awake as he was molesting me. Being awakened by sexual assault is a terrorizing way to wake up. Also, there is the terror of the things he whispered in my ear the names he called me and the things he whispered in my ear. It is a testament to my strength I refuse here to refer to myself in the third person the sanitized little boy and to say that my kid was scared. I was the one being assaulted in criminal fashion. By a criminal. The fact that I knew and loved the man enters into it, but it was scary none the less. I do remember that I remembered because the next day i told my grandmother of the experience and was water boarded until I passed out in reward for my honesty. Again she was screaming hideous things that I was for relating the experience to her. It was at that point not the original molestation that the amnesia set in. This amnesia was a mechanism of the mind could be fully. I cannot now attest it to the workings of the neurological system in a fashion that may have damaged them in the future this is due to the fact that as I grew I was able to remember do well in studies. And I have the ability to remember the experience now. The memories the amnesia locked the memories away in the subconscious. this I cannot say is a physical mechanism but mental.
With the memory of the actual penetration from the sodomy or shortly after bubbled up the emotions from the experience These were a shame so deep as i have never experienced before. Shame itself is distinct from guilt in severity and the self-loathing as well as the fact that while guilt is associated and a normal response to doing something wrong. shame and its depth are not associated with doing something wrong but with being it is an emotion of being. At this age it went to the core of who i am. and it this initial experience is linked to the underlying sense of shame I have had my entire life. shame is not about doing that is guilt, shame is about being. being hideous and worthless that is shame and that is my initial reaction into to adulthood to anything any feeling any external stimuli. I have learned to deal with it and dismiss it in a very quick manner depending on my internal state and the degree to which the external stimulus is guilt provoking. shame and guilt are linked in kind but about in degree or depth or the object of. The object of guilt is external. The object of shame is the self. the being. So this is the source of my shame.
Two weeks later another memory that I was not prepared for came to the level of consciousness. I have known that my mother who shall forever be known as the incubator for many years. i even had the memory of her molesting me and the neighbor children in the vacant home to ours next door to the house on Buckingham Way 5702 E. Buckingham Way in Fresno, Ca. This occurred when i was nine and marked the final event in the sexual abuse, but not the physical, emotional and verbal. I wonder what would have happened if monseigneur O'Brien had lived. He did put a stop to the abuse and then died shortly thereafter. I wonder if the abuse would have been reported at that time and would have come to light and I would have been able to get some immediate help with the trauma Anyway that is not what happened the trauma and the memories remained buried in amnesia.
The images I have are of being in the bath and in the bed with my mother as she orally stimulated me stroked my private parts and generally molested me. I think yes at some point there was actual intercourse with her. Third was generally kind and loving unlike the attacks of my grandfather if such terms can be used to describe the hideous Actually the were soothing and comforting not kind and loving. If you cannot tell I am all for the precise use of words. As a write words are what are contained on my palate. The emotional memory from this experience are all about my feelings toward the incubator.
These emotions are complex and multilayerd like a ball they are wrapped in warmth. But it is a warmth not of not of joy and happiness as I would think most people feel towards their mother But a sad hideous warmth layered with betray and loneliness i cannot completely separate loneliness from betrayed. I must take a break here as there is terror due to the things whispered in my ear if I talk about these things. also, there terror that a child feels when he knows he is surrounded by criminals who are trying to teach him right from wrong. Every child wants the adults in his life to be good and sees them that way and if they are not he will blame himself for this this itself creates a degree of shame. Plus if he/she knows it is not true this is terrorizing. I think I shall come back correct this and post it more later.
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